Oh my god... just wrote a poem directed to my best friend and I just can't stop shivering/the frission. I can barely breathe too. It's like all the air just went out of me. Sometimes my writing takes me to places I've never visited before. This time it did, it completely did. And I got this image, like a tumblr gif, repeating in my head. Of her, so near yet so far away. How unreachable, unapproachable I feel I have become. Like there's an infinite space between us and not just an ocean. It's been months and I'm just losing touch more and more.
Talk more to people I can't stand than I talk to her. I don't understand it yet I do. My silence, my distance. I'm just too broken and too scared. And it can never be like it used to be before. It's almost as if I mourn our friendship yet refuse, fucking refuse to view it as dead. It's still there, I want to believe it, just kept on hold. And I hold my breath until then.
Afraid to let you know
"Afraid to let go
and of letting you know
what in my deepest ocean hides
and is never washed up with tides
Afraid to let it show
all that died and could never grow
and take my hand
but don't tell me you understand
Afraid of the snow
burying everything in a cold white glow
the fever that never ends
people who ones were best friends
Afraid of a regretful no
I've never been this low
empty our silence and let us feel
but I can never become real
Afraid of the crimson flow
all the tension I put on a row
take all that matters I'm here
just to forever disappear"
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