I went up from bed again, it was 2:20, wrapped myself in my thick fleece robe then wrapped myself in two thick blankets. I woke up, couldn't sleep, so now I'm having tea again with a bunch of cigarettes. Taking more meds and hope I can go back to sleep soon. Nope, no more meds, I'm completely out of it.
Still hoping for more sleep, I try to do calming things. Drinking tea, listening to calm music, right now it's "Pictures of you" by The Cure. Switching to "Charlotte sometimes" soon enough. It strikes me as odd that they're not considered a goth band, yet almost every gother I know listens to them.
I'm still trying to abstain, and to maybe one day completely stop. Doing it is only compulsive and repulsive to me, so it's just not worth it. But every time I go to bed the fantasies flicker before my eyes and it's hard not to do it. I've been thinking of deleting all the porn on my browser, all the websites and video clips I've saved over the years. But that would be hard too. One step at a time, one step at a time.
I'll just have this cigarette then shower then back to bed. I feel slightly dizzy, lost some blood in my head. And suddenly I started thinking about Adelina again. She must possibly be the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. I miss her, even though I only knew her for a few days and then never saw her again. Sometimes I think about her big brown eyes, her thin figure, the big sweater that she wore inside out on purpose and how it bothered her that she felt she was a burden to society. She was 21 during that summer of 2013, which would make her about 23 now.
I wonder how she's doing, if she's still battling her depression or if she somehow came out from it alive. She never entirely leaves my mind, and I do hope that we could meet again one day. Find each other, become friends, maybe more.
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