I've lost my spark

I bring out my Bailey's again, even though it is just Tuesday. Cause I don't care and we've been over that before. I don't often use thinspiration, I just realised. It just feels awful looking at pretty and super thin people cause I'd die to look like them. Besides, it's hard to find pictures that appeal to me, as the thinness I want to achieve is kinda extreme. Usually if you google thinspiration you get pictures of girls with a BMI around 19-20, not emaciated men with a BMI below 17.

Although I found a few really good pictures but I don't like looking at them. So what's the point? My back hurts so incredibly much these days. It's this one spot close to my right shoulder blade, the muscle there, it feels like I'm getting stabbed ten times a day. Still I refuse to take painkillers.

Now I'm hanging out at the eating disorder forum and right now reading a thread about a person with a BMI at 11 eating 300 cals a day asking if they're gonna die soon. It's kinda heart tearing as they want to lose more weight. I can't finish my Bailey's, it's way too much calories, what was I thinking?! Not at all, probably.

They come so fast these thoughts, as I just can't decide if I should purge the booze or not. I promised myself no fucking purging but it digs a hole inside of me big enough to bury me. And somewhere in my stressed out brain I think this time I could control it better. Oh fuck no! It doesn't work that way, it controls you! And I don't care, I don't care, I don't care... it's not even certain that it would work after all these months of no purging. It's been like... nine months or so. Could I even if I tried? Do I even want to know? Fuck, my life is a mess anyway and I don't care about dying I don't care how dangerous it is, I want to die. Fuck it, just fucking fuck it.

Okay, that was way easy but pretty horrible. I'm really back with my ED, I'm really back now. First purge since February. I poured out the rest of my Bailey's, can't have this happening again today or tomorrow at least. I need some space to think things through. Like what the actual fuck I think I'm doing.

Okay I can't think right now. It's 0:57 and I'm done for. I won't even count the calories of that Bailey's, I'm pretty sure I got most of it up. From now on I have to find something else than alcohol to numb myself with, something that doesn't involve extra calories. I can still taste it in my mouth and smell it in my nose, how disgusting. I wonder if I'll reek tomorrow if I can get my lazy ass to school.

And how the hell do I avoid telling anyone about this in real life now that I've obviously started purging again as well as starving? I can't let them send me back to that place, I'll lie my fucking ass off and more, I'll do anything just to be left alone. Anything. My eating disorder will ruin me, it will tear me apart over and over before any of us are done, and I will let it. I want it to. Let the hunger, the pain, the coldness, the faintness and what more I can expect become me.

Like Christian Bale in "The Machinist" that's how thin I want to be. Love that movie by the way but hate the scene about the arm. And I've always wondered if that character was supposed to have an eating disorder or if he's just too messed up to eat and obsesses about his weight for no good reason. But it could just possibly be the only Hollywood movie that I know of portraying a man with an eating disorder. I have to re-watch it again sometime soon.

I'm just so torn. Purging only made it worse, but it freed me of my calorie anxiety, at least. I'll take my pills soon, try to get some sleep. So, I ate one tiny meal at 1:00 this morning/night then starved for 20 hours until I had a pie at 21:00, drank coffee throughout the day, then had one glass of Bailey's at 0.40 or so, panicked and went to purge it. What a mess. So now what? Am I gonna continue or try to only do it as seldom as possible? Do I even care? How well can I count on functioning at school or at all if I both starve and purge simultaneously?

My body would hate me so much. It feels like I'm playing with fire yet I don't care if I burn alive. I am playing with fire too when I basically smoke in bed. Have I given up so completely? I've decided not to give a damn, just go wherever it leads me. I decided that long ago actually. To let the darkness consume me, it might mean exactly this. Why try to fight it? Gonna lose it anyway.

I've given up fighting long ago, maybe that was why I purged right now, cause the need wasn't there before but suddenly it was. I'll just go with the flow, see where it leads me this time, second time around. I've lost my spark, I've lost my reason to live, who cares if I purge.