But not scared enough

I just broke my 110 hours long fast with vegetable soup. I finally dared stepping on my scale and it showed me 61 kg. Not too bad considering. I mean, I had hoped for somewhere along the lines of 58 but at least it's less than 63. Oh shit I feel dizzy... maybe I ate that too quickly. I guess I'll just give it a few hours to land before I go shopping. Gotta give my body some time to adjust.

I just googled BMI 15 just to try and get an idea on how I could look on roughly that BMI. It's not thin enough... damn it. But I guess I'll just try to get to it first and then deal with the consequences if I still think I need to lose more weight. I'm still at a BMI of 21 so it's a long way to go. Would it even be possible to lose 17 kg in 6 months? And I know it just gets harder the lighter you get.

But it's October 4th and I'm officially starting the ABC diet. As I stated before, the first day is 500 calories. Then 500 again, then 300, then 400, then 100, 200 and 300 the last day of the first week. I know some people just see those numbers as maximum for each day but I'm gonna try to be as exact as I can be. And exercise or purge if I over eat. It's a 7 weeks and one day long diet, which means I can breathe out with a sigh of relief on November 23rd. And hopefully will have been able to stick to it and have lost some weight.

So, my starting weight is 61 kg or 134 lbs so we'll see how much I can lose on this crazy diet. It's only about calories so basically I can eat whatever I want during it as long as I keep it within the calorie limit, but I'm gonna try to do it as healthily as I possibly can. Lots of vegetables, lean meat and fibers, mainly. Also gonna try to cut down a little on the caffeine, mainly because having 55 calories cups of coffee 6 times a day is not gonna work. Especially on the days where the limit is 200 calories or less.

Wow, I've had my dreads in for 2,5 weeks already. They almost feel like a part of me now. Have to wash them/the roots of my own hair today. That was what I shouldn't forget. I really had to start eating today, I have so much to do that I need to function for. So I set a new record of 110 hours just before I had my soup. I'm feeling much better now, almost a bit energised even.

It feels like my ED has gotten a new kick start, with purging then fasting then starting a crazy low calorie diet as of today. I'll try to only purge if I over eat, or go above my calorie limit for the day, and not binge/purge every single day like I did before. Cause it's so addictive and compulsive like damn... I don't mind the danger of it this time, but I do mind how addictive it is and I just don't want to feel the need to do it several times a day.

Besides, it is a pretty horrible experience, much more than what can just be imagined. If you haven't done it, you just don't know how horrible it is. Cause it's nothing like puking after a night of heavy drinking or having eaten way too much or from being physically ill. It's damaging the soul. With that said I will still continue, just not as much as back in January/February when I did it 3 to 5 times a day, every single day. Now maybe... I don't know, at most a few times a week.

My main methods will still be restricting and fasting. Purging only if I binge or "binge" on what isn't technically an actual binge but too big a meal for me. Like if I do have that pizza or just lose control over my hunger. It will be my escape route that I'll take as seldom as I can. I know it's bad, I know it's a horrible thing to do. Not even on the ED forum they recommend it, but they sure do recommend decreasing calories and doing more exercise on a basically empty stomach so yeah. Purging must be so, so bad.

Although I hardly even understand half the danger about it, since my body just barely reacted to it back in February. I almost passed out at one point, but all my blood values were tip top and that's it.

And I'm sorry for last night's entry if I scared you, I just had to get it all out of me. I'm sorry.

I should try to take it slow and easy and I know I really shouldn't set such a low ultimate goal weight but it's just that I can't settle for less. No one except those on the forum and those reading this blog knows that I want to weigh 44 kg. It's just 97 lbs and after being on that forum for over a year, I know how low any weight under 100 lbs is, and how much everyone there wants to get below that weight.

There, I have to translate every kilo to pounds to be understood and it's almost starting to come naturally to me now. I keep mixing up kilos with pounds in real life and as a classmate told me about someone they knew who weighed 150 kg and I thought, oh it's not so bad, until I realised they said kilograms, not pounds.

Cause it wasn't all that long ago that I weighed 150 lbs which is 68 kg, but I've never ever been even remotely close to 150 kg. Thank god for that! I would likely have killed myself for less. Sometimes I still try to look back to how it was like to weigh 80 kg, or 176 lbs, and what is the difference from now? I feel much lighter, I don't feel quite as gross, my feet don't hurt as much at all anymore, I can sit/lie in positions I couldn't back then, I can walk around without feeling like I'm gonna pass out, I can wear skinny jeans, I get compliments for my weight which I didn't back then.

Here in Sweden having a 10-15 kg overweight is pretty much the most normal weight wise, or so I've heard. But I just hated it so much that I even risked getting an eating disorder just to lose that weight. I don't regret it even for a split second. If I could go back in time and not get an ED, I never would. Perhaps I do see it as a life experience and perhaps, even just perhaps, that's why I want to to tip the scale the other way around as well. That when the day I die I will have been in every weight category except from obese and morbidly obese. To have been overweight, normal weight and underweight.

Cause that's an experience I really want to have. I collect them, experiences, and preferably the negative and life changing ones. I want to experience all that crap an extremely underweight person typically is going through. And I do want to experience what it's like to live with an eating disorder to the absolute breaking point. At least to get down to a BMI of 15-16. Perhaps I won't be able to take it as far as into the single digits.

Depends on how long I get to live, and at what point recovery will happen. If it's gonna happen, what do I know, I might be able to escape that route, and die before I get to recover. I hope so, as I still want to take my ED with me to the grave. This relapse sure hit me hard, I've never felt so overcome by my ED before. Like it's really eating away at me, changing my thoughts and feelings until I can nothing but recognise myself.

I feel as though nothing can change my mind about this. Yes I'm scared for what my family and close friends would think if I do lose all the weight I want to lose, but somewhere in my twisted mind, I just don't think it's any of their/your business. This is the only way I can live right now, my broken heart led me back here for a reason. Because I wasn't done starving myself, wasn't done losing weight, wasn't done harming myself this way. I was never ready to recover. Perhaps it sucks, but at least now I know what I truly do feel about it.

Diagnosed

I completely forgot about my blog! I should have updated here immediately as I got diagnosed with EDNOS yesterday, or "ätstörning UNS" in Swedish. My doctor said I do meet all the criteria of anorexia nervosa but not the weight criteria so I didn't get that diagnosis because of that.

Whatever, I don't really care which one I got. But I do feel a bit disappointed, even though I shouldn't cause I did get the correct diagnosis. Oh well, in a few weeks (or months) I'll have anorexia, it's just a matter of time either way.

I'm starting to doubt that I'll get to my goal before Christmas, it's only 6 more weeks and I still have 6-7 kg to go. It's possible, but as long as I keep bouncing between 53 and 54 kg it's not gonna happen. Fuck! I will be so beside myself of frustration and anger if I can't be at 47 kg by Christmas!

I still somehow think this is just a crash diet to get down to the dangerously low 47 kg, but then if I didn't have an eating disorder, I probably wouldn't want to weigh that little. It's fucking with my mind a little bit.

Now I can say that I actually have an eating disorder, which I suppose is the point with this entry. That it's not just a possible self diagnosis, it's an actual diagnosis cause I've got an actual problem. It is real, I got that confirmed now. Though EDNOS feels like an "at the time being" -diagnosis for me, like it's gonna be changed to anorexia later on.

I've never really felt this lonely before. I don't consider myself having that many real friends anymore, just a handful if even that. And I don't know what to say to them. I can spew out words like this for literally all eternity and I do but when it comes to actually talking to people, I run out of words.

Passively talking on online forums has become my thing, replying to other people's posts or making my own topics. Making blog entries here or on tumblr. But actually talking, texting or chatting, has become so hard. I want to reach out, want to know what to say but the words fail me and I give up. Even talking to my mother is hard. I don't want to talk to her about my eating disorder and that leaves little else to discuss.

I still worry about Christmas. Not just how much I will weigh by then but also all of the other stuff, like mostly how to go about the food and sweets that will be served right under my nose for the entire holiday. But I've been trying a new tactic to handle that anxiety: thinking about the good stuff about Christmas instead of about what will be expected of me foodwise. Like, it is my favourite holiday and it always has been, there's gotta be things I can still do to make it worthwhile, right?

Like I use to love knitting especially that time of the year and making some seasonal stuff. Gloves, scarves, socks, décor of various kinds. This year I'm also gonna embroider and I've already started a Christmas themed picture. And I can draw similar things too. I can drink cinnamon spiced tea, listen to such music and watch such movies. I can buy fancy cigarillos to smoke or something.

There are a lot of other things to Christmas than just what you stuff your face with, I just have to convince my parents of that too. They are all about stuffing their faces. For like 2 weeks straight. I was too, so I don't blame them, but I'm starting to see "faults" with that now. Of course I don't want them eating disordered too, but they could be okay with realising there's more to that holiday than eating. Just saying.

So anyway, I do find it helps to try and focus on like embroidering and what movies I want to watch, instead of how I'm gonna bring my scale without my family knowing I brought it with me, for example. They do have a scale but you have take out the battery after every time you use it so I'm like gah... I'll bring my own instead. Really should see if it fits into my bag though.

So yeah... still just eating disorder constantly spinning in my head and how to live a half-assed life with it. Cause I've given up on ever living a decent life, that just isn't meant for me, obviously. And obviously I can get by with a half-assed life instead. It doesn't have to be perfect, it's liveable and that will just have to do.

Cause I'm confident that I'll survive this too, I might even get past it one day. Or if it kills me, I don't know, I don't care. Cause what if I do get treatment for it and it becomes a thing of the past? I'd still be a mess. And right now, I'd rather be in this mess than the mess I was in before.

That's the reality. I can't just get free from all of my problems and become a happy and smiling chap, I have to choose between different messes. This one might be more dangerous, more risk taking and deadly than just an emotional chaos. But I'd rather die from an eating disorder controlling that chaos, than suffer in that chaos without my eating disorder. Cause it's not about what is the safest, it's about what is the easiest to live with.