I believe I’m still sort of considering having a child one day. I
don't really talk much about it. Like I somehow think I have no
right to have one. There are so many mixed feelings around that
topic for me. Hopefulness, love, fear, insecurity, comfort, doubts.
Would I be able to provide for a child when I can just barely take
care of myself? How the hell would I afford it? Would I become a
horrible parent? Would my child inherit a lot of not so desirable
things from me? Would I bring it up myself or with a partner? Would
it become a burden for my parents, who basically hate kids? They'd
frigging hate me if I would one day tell them I’m gonna be a
father. I can't even imagine how angry they'd be, but
somewhere around furious I take it.
Still, it should be my choice. And now society is moving
forward with the transsexuals becoming parents issue. I believe I
have good reasons to want a child, but I’m also smart enough
to realise the complications around that. My life situation isn't
exactly optional, and even though I think I could get some sort of
allowance from Försäkringskassan in a situation like that, if I
still can't hold a job by that time, or would be a single parent and
therefor wouldn't have time for a job. But I’m seriously way
too messed up for such a full-time job as caring for a baby is.
My random fear right now is that if I’m gonna wait til I get
better, that waiting could become too long. I’m quite young now,
but I think it would probably not happen in the nearest five or ten
years. And seriously, I want a kid now, not in seven years!
Okay, back to reality. These thoughts are haunting me, and I’m
scared that if there will ever be a time for parenthood in my
life, it will be too damn late. I would be too old and testosterone
would have fried my female parts. Perhaps there could be some middle
ground though, that in a few years, say three or four, if I’m in
better shape then than I am now, then I can squeeze one out. I
suppose that is a reasonable plan, if I could hold my horses for that
long, that is.
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