I fell asleep
and slept for 9 hours. Now I feel even worse than when I went to bed.
I hate how I always feel right after waking up. Like drowning,
sedated, hurting, clogged throat and nose. It took five minutes for
my eyes to get used to the light from the computer screen.
I've been
thinking about what wrote this morning, about opening up about the
hallucinations to my shrink, and what a relief it would be to get
that out and get help for it. But I’m also stupid and vain,
thinking I wouldn't wanna take antipsychotics for the single reason
that almost all of them cause weight gain, and increases my appetite.
Risperdal also took away my creativity. I don't know, but it could be
worth a try, and maybe I could just ask to get the pills without
spilling my guts? But how the hell did I think that could work? Can't
just go there and say “Hey, I want some antipsychotics! I'm not
psychotic or anything, but I want the pills for it!”
No, that won't
work. Lying always entangles me into more lies, but I can't think of
anything to say in that case. You give antipsychotics to people who
are psychotic and that's it. And I’m starting to give up believing
I could somehow get better without treating this broken part of my
mind as much as the for stuff that I’m being open about. How can I
learn how to think more positive or controlling my emotions when the
voices are constantly disturbing and hallucinations and delusions
controls my emotions? How can I get better when I don't know what
is real?
I’m not doing
well at all, and I have to figure out a way to deal with it. Figure
out if this is worth the risk. Cause somehow I think reality is
again catching up with me, leaving me with two yet no choices. If I
keep being quiet I will be able to get the surgery and the ones
following and eventually get my gender changed legally – but if I
keep on lying I won't get any better, thus I won't get mentally
stable enough to go through with that. Who does major surgery on a
psychotic person who can't sleep or eat? The other choice is to
confess and risk everything. But I’m sure that once that's sorted
out they will still know I’m truly transsexual and really need the
treatment for that, but it might take a little longer. Thus that is
the only choice I have, cause I can't just get better on my own. If I
don't actually get better on my own that is.
Cause maybe,
just maybe things will get back to normal (my normal, the usual me)
again once I get to sleep and eat again, and stop OD'ing on caffeine.
But a part of me doubts that. This has been going on all summer and
late spring, I had a psychosis under the most stable week
during this time, a week I didn't drink or cut, I ate healthy and
slept healthy. I’m constantly balancing on the edge between reality
and psychosis, and I self diagnosed myself as Schizophrenic for a
reason. It's not something I want or wish that I had, far from it.
It's a conclusion of past and current experiences. And then we have
my undying curiosity for getting to the bottom of this and once and
for all finding out what it really is.
*title: Pretentious, Moi?
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