I think that I send signals all the damn time but he never gets it. Do I even want him to notice? I don't know. I'm getting more careless and hoping for him to notice, that much I know. So maybe I want him to figure it out, but it's just that I'm too shy to write it out loud. That I want him to approach me, ask me if it's him I'm head over heals in love with. I just can't approach him saying something that heavy. I would feel like dropping a frigging anvil. Believe me, I know. I've been through that before...
Perhaps I think he would handle such news better if he figured it out by himself, instead of me just dropping the bomb, I mean. I'm totally chanceless, we will most likely never get together, and this is so painful... So maybe being open about it with him could help me feel some sort of relief, but I don't know. A part of me still thinks we could one day meet and fall for each other, that he would fall for me as well.
But if I tell him now(-ish) that would ruin those, very slim but still, chances. Or would it? I have fallen for, or developed feelings for people who had had a crush on me for a long time before I cared enough to look in their direction. So why should that be impossible in this case?
I just can't make up my mind, so I'm walking the line in between telling and not telling. I didn't know there actually is something between those two. Either you tell them or you don't, can't do both or neither at the same time, right? Well, I found a way to do both/neither. I lay it on him to tell me instead.
Perhaps not the best way to deal with this situation, but then I'm in a kinda complicated situation. Normal rules just don't apply. There are no rules that could apply. But is it wrong of me? I'm not forcing him to approach me, and absolutely no threats. Just hints here and there. Hints that will probably become more obvious over time, until everyone except him know who it is... oh, damnit.
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