Darkened thoughts

01:12

I can feel the vein in my left temple pounding when I put my finger on it. The headache is worse now, pounding on my left side. A moment ago I started screaming, hitting my forehead and threw the embroidery across the room. It isn't going so well right now, I keep messing up my calculations and I don't wanna start making stitches on a whim. It's frustrating, so I put the embroidery away for a while. The energy drink tastes strange and sticks to the gum in my mouth. There's even a fly in it. Disgusting, but what else am I gonna do?

I’m more scared of sleeping than ever now, thanks to this headache. That's just great, make me hate myself even more why won't you!? What's your next move, night terrors? I ever allow myself to sleep again. I will stay awake until Wednesday when I’m off to the meeting with my psychiatrist, that's one and a half day, or 33 hours to be more precise, from now. With a mass load of caffeine and sugar I will make that possible with no doubt. I’m also eating again, which makes it even easier. Or simpler rather, cause sleep deprivation is never easy. Chosen or not.

03:19

I think I’m getting suicidal again... well, not so much literally, or how to say it, I really don't know. I have no plans, not even actual thoughts about it. Just this vague feeling that is sort of lingering. A feeling of how sweet death could be, to finally just end it all. All this suffering and despair. But when I think about the only method that I know will work: jumping, my heart starts racing and I get chills or something, that icy feeling in my gut. I look upon that feeling and feel disdain towards it. How horrible it would be to jump from that high. I don't even know where I could find such a place to throw myself from. My house is way to low, and I don't know any other building that could qualify a certain death. I suppose a suicide like that doesn't need much planning but to find a spot, but I don't want to do it, I’m not ready. Not yet.

It's just that I have this other prophecy thing, that I won't ever be lucky in love. I’m not lucky in anything, but I need this. Who doesn't need love? But to get a message like that, a fucking prophecy, saying you will never experience that is a little over the top. It darkens my thoughts, my smiles and every single feeling. That I’m destined to become lovesick every time I fall in love with someone, and in every relationship I won't be in love with my partner. That hurts, and I wish with all of my broken heart that isn't true, because if it is... I don't wanna think about that. But I do, and that's what leads me to these gnawing feelings that it might be better if I just died. But I don't want to give up, I want to prove that prophecy wrong, and as they say in the Angel series, prophecies aren't always true.