Hopelessly in love

I just wanna say so much about my love, but I can't. Afraid I’d lose him as a friend, afraid of fucking up my chances on ever getting together with him. Who would fall for their stalker? I know I would, depending on who it was of course, but that isn't saying much. Since I know the nature of stalkers, that they aren't necessarily ill-willed or living in a fucked up fantasy world. That it's not like in the movies. Maybe “stalker” is a too strong word for me, I have considered that option. And I hope that if he ever finds out, that he would accept me and not be too creeped out by my obsession. I could always hope, if it was to come to that.

I just want him to know how I feel, but I want it just as much as I want it to be mutual. But unless he's polyamorous and I’m living in a dream world, that's not the case. Sometimes I wonder if it would somehow have been different in a positive way, if I had fallen for him in another time of our lives. A year or two ago, a year or two in the future. I might still be chanceless either way, but somehow it's a comforting idea that it could also have be or been fantastic. That it that could have be possible in some intangible alternative universe, cause then it's not entirely hopeless. But my hopes are low to be honest. Almost nonexistently low.

But even if I could wait... for him to fall out of love with his girlfriend, or for her to fuck up their relationship, it could be months from now, even years, or never. I have been lovesick for very long time periods before. If I could just keep this on a survivable level, I know it's fully possible for me to keep this illusion up for up to at least 3 years. Just keep that awful thing called “reality” on an arm's length distance, or something. That was a long time ago I had such long lasting feelings for an unobtainable person though, in upper school, and things have changed since then. I didn't talk to that person then, I was literally in love with an idealised version of them. I’m not that shy anymore, just socially clumsy and have a hard time reading people.

I just don't know what to do with this now. I can't just sit here and wither away, and completely lose myself in his amazing blue-green eyes. Why do I seem to fall for people with greenish eyes all the time by the way? That's like the most uncommon natural eye colour a person can have! Am I developing a more exclusive taste perhaps? Cute guys and girls in my own age with amazing eyes and amazing hair. No, now I'm just describing my true love again, but then why was I so cryptic regarding gender? Just my bisexuality sneaking around there, I suppose, thinking that maybe someday I'll fall for and actually have a relationship a woman for a change.

I've actually thought of that as a severely tragic solution... That if I can't get Him out of my head and heart, maybe I could fall for someone else, someone of the opposite gender. And because I haven't actually tried that yet. I’m a sorry excuse for a bisexual person... I’m not saying you'll have to have experiences in order to confirm your sexual orientation, I’m just saying that apparently my interest for females is so damn low I’ve never actually given anyone a chance. And that, is to me a fault. But I can't really call myself “bi-curious” either, since I’ve been in love with girls before. Oh what the hell... am I saying I wanna go for a frigging test drive to get my mind of Him?