This madness will eat me alive

The song "This maniac's in love with you" by Alice Cooper just popped up on the playlist, and wow that song speaks to me now! "My heart has been strapped in a straight jacket love..." I suppose it needs no explanation. Sometimes those songs I've been listening to for years suddenly get a new meaning to them.

Gosh, I can't even focus on writing a few sentences. What's up with me today? These days I mean, or these weeks, no these months... alright, I get it. I've slowly been losing my mind for months. Been getting worse than before lately. "It takes all I got to survive, this madness will eat me alive." Maybe I should let Alice Cooper speak for me instead?

Yeah, so things have been getting worse. First off, increased mood swings. Then self harm/destruction got out of control. Alcoholism, starvation, sleep deprivation and what not. Then more psychotic stuff emerged, experienced a few delusions, started hearing more voices than just Anna's and had what I believe was a full blown psychosis. Then followed lovesickness and hypnophobia. I started to sum these things up with my past and made the self diagnosis Schizophrenia which I think is the most accurate self diagnosis I've made.

And now I'm just living all the symptoms of it, in various degrees. Like incoherent thoughts, weird delusions and not knowing if things are real or not. Oh, and telling all the voices to shut the fuck up. Still telling myself it might be something else than Schizophrenia, but I suppose it's just or mostly because I don't want that.

I'd rather have something else that is actually fixable. Something that isn't quite that horrible and condemning and will last for the rest of my life. And the only treatment is medication that makes me a zombie. Hoping that I can come up with a more pleasant self diagnosis, but I doubt that I will.

I'm having tactile hallucinations lately, and they're very annoying. Yesterday I felt the floor was shaking, like someone stomped around in my apartment, but when I looked around obviously no one was there. I'm losing sensation in various body parts as well, which is kinda creepy. Though only for a while and then it comes back. There's this spot on my back, one on my right thigh and one on my left arm. It doesn't tingle or anything, just completely numb, as if it was frozen but it's warm. Very strange.

I just hate it how Schizophrenia fits so perfectly. Cause if Borderline really was the right diagnosis then I wouldn't have gotten worse from the treatment for it, for symptoms that I don't have.