Nostalgia

Maybe I should learn how to bind books? In that way I could make my own diaries. Maybe I could learn the basics from somewhere online. Can't be that hard, right? Just sewing together a bunch of papers, fix a cover from cardboard or leather and glue it on. Or something like that.

I’m listening to Brolle Jr for the first time in quite some time. Had forgotten about his bitter sweet, teenage love songs from back in the days when he was barely 20 years old, during his first record “Rebellious Heart”. Oh, sweet nostalgia! Upper school, and I wanted to look like him. Pierced my ear like he had it, fluffed up my fringe like his, wore jeans and jeans jacket. Noticed that if I buttoned only the lowest button on the jacket it made my figure look more masculine.

Already then a closet transsexual. I also read Jonas Gardell's book “Ett ufo gör entré” and found out that it was said that you're gay if you only have one ear pierced if you're a guy. I was thinking that if I was a guy I’d totally be gay. I knew somewhere deep inside that I wasn't truly female, but I just thought that was crazy talk and that nothing could be done about such a thing. Brolle was my first celebrity idolatry.

Well, Bowie was my first celebrity crush, but it wasn't really idolatry in the same sense. I wanted to look like him as well, some time later. I cut my hair like the mullet he had in the early to mid 70's, but I cursed my body for being so unlike his. Thin, lean guys like him back in the days wore up colourful spandex much better than I did. I kinda wanted to be an androgynous guy, not like the then, extremely curvy girl I was. Yes, I was a total closet case, and comparing myself to guys like Bowie and Brolle didn't seem to make that part easier.

But still, I value that time of my life, cause 7^th and 8^th grade (2002-2004) was the only two years in my life that I almost felt happy. As close to happiness as I’ve ever been. With my first music interests Brolle Jr, Melody Club and David Bowie. And all those trips to Östhammar for kicking ass during my karate lessons. I fell for a guy there, whom I tried to impress. It was almost like we competed in who could reach the next kyu grade and change to a new belt in another colour first. It was like breathing fresh air for the first time in my life, coming out from most hateful Alunda sometimes, meeting new people and not giving a fuck about what people in my school called me and my best friend, with whom I always hung around with. I had no one else, but that was fine with we, she was the only one I needed. Indeed, true nostalgia.