Down there again

I miss him so much it bleeds inside. As if I had dragged that razorblade across the surface of my heart instead of my arm. I don't know why I feel this way right now. I swallow caffeine pills with room temperature energy drinks, and I’m up at five now. A little overdose can't harm me, right? I mean I’m already consuming extra caffeine on the side, so what's the harm? I will notice if I get too much, it feels like a horrible anxiety attack with extra everything, sort of. And so far I’m nowhere near that. I’m an addict gotten used to high doses, I will always be an addict one way or another, but for now I’m only doing it to stay awake. Even if I consume over 1000 mg caffeine a day, the lethal dose is at least ten times that. That would be close to 35 jars of caffeine pills in an instant. I’m safe.

Well, as safe as safe can be in this misery. This comes and goes, which makes it so much harder because how the hell would I know what I actually feel? Which are my true emotions, how does this hypnophobia affect me, what do I feel about it? How can I possibly know? I’m racing between polar extremes in the whole emotional spectrum every day. Nothing feels real anymore, I’m a caricature of myself.

I’m so lost right now. Left between different certainties and localisation of thoughts. Now I’m not certain of anything and I can't even localise my own brain. Not even sure what the hell it is I’m feeling. Sad, helpless, empty. Perhaps. Nothing means anything, it all seems so pointless. And before you think it, yes even suicide seems pointless. What would that lead to? More loss, heartbreak and emptiness. Cause how can I feel anything if my heart stops beating and my brain dies? I want to feel, but I just don't know what. I turn every possible emotion into something negative by thinking it will never last, and as soon as it has passed I will forget what it once felt like. And the stronger the positive emotion, the higher the fall. Cause I always fall, gravitation works both ways: physically and metaphysically.

Torn apart inside, I’m lying scattered on the surface. Like some bad poem I’ve written a million times in different words. How many hundreds of poems can I write about the same thing anyway? I’m cold and I can't find any rest. How does one rest without sleep anyway? I should eat but the thought of food disgusts me and I’m too tired to get up anyway. I should restart my computer. I should shower, I should... Fuck that. I’ve lost interest for everything in this moment. Right now, nothing is worth doing, nothing gives me any sense of meaning.