I have thought about what consequences it could mean if I do get pregnant. Like the social consequences. That I would likely be misgendered a lot again and people would definitely start questioning my "choice" of transitioning in the first place. They would not understand.
Cause in this society, having children is still considered a very female thing to do. And I think, that people would question my gender identity because of that. Like just walking down the street with a huge pregnant belly and with all my previous curves back in place (except from the boobs, obviously, though I've heard some of that tissue can grow back during a pregnancy).
Anyways, I'd deal with that if it comes to that. I would be off hormones for quite some time and a lot of things, things I didn't even think of before, can or will revert back. With me already fighting against my androgyny I would most likely be read as female again if all that happens.
So yeah... it has some downsides that I would have to deal with one way or another. What to say to people, if I should let them believe I'm female just to easier get understanding for my situation, or explain everything the way it actually is to get the respect that I deserve, for examples.
It's a lot... it's so much to think about regarding the whole deal and my head is soon gonna explode, I think. Though I think the hardest part right now is trying to figure where to possibly start. How do I even get knocked up in the first place?
I can probably forget about finding a partner equipped for the job and who also wants to start a family just like that. I can probably also forget about donors. I'd try that though, cause it seems like the most reasonable method to go for.
It would be one hell of a circus, if I decide to go for that. Just getting everything in order and all the damn preparations and what not. But it would be so worth it... Me and my bloody obsessions, what's next? I know you're all thinking it, I'm not stupid.
I wish I could soothe you with something, if you're worried that I'll just jump right into it and it becomes a damn mess too late to get out of. But I can't really think of anything to say, other than that I would try to plan it as much as I possibly can and always listen to my gut, back out if I feel I can't do it, and also surround myself with all the help I can possible get as long as I can afford it somehow. And by somehow I mean my parents.
My family is complicated, especially when it comes to little kids. No one likes them, not even me. Well, I don't like most kids, or kids in general, but some I do like and that's what differs me from the rest of my family. I can think a baby is cute and I'm not always bothered by them screaming/crying.
I can easily smile when I just see a random kid at the grocery store or wherever and my mind starts to wander, I start thinking what if I was their parent and such. While the rest of my family seems to hate them at all costs, I'm not like that.
Also, I'm the least able in my family, I'm the one who needs almost constant care of some form although I'm more mature than my sister, I'm far more disabled than she is. My mother is far more abled than my sister and my father is the most abled/independent of us all. It goes like that, basically.
So I, who likes kids the most but am the least capable of caring for one, should get one? It is complicated, and I can't really wrap my head around it myself even. But I do wish that my family liked kids too, it would definitely simplify things a lot. And I probably wouldn't have had to think my brain to wrinkles if that was the case. But it's not and I have to be the smart one now.
Like, see if I could get help from elsewhere besides my otherwise so supporting family. Like LSS or some other kind of help. I don't know really what kind of help I could possibly get if I do get a child with all my diagnoses.
I thought I'm gonna google LSS and see if I can find any useful information about that. Okay, I can't really find any real information, just random people's opinions on online forums. Someone said something about the LSS staff not being able to help caring for children as well as the adults living in the residents, which I can somewhat understand.
Though it has to be solved somehow. I mean, I'm still in need of that kind of support and I'm also allowed to have children. Juridic complications, I can see them really becoming a problem... sigh.
It would be so fucking complicated I can't even fathom it. If only I had been a cisgendered person without diagnoses, but I'm not and there's nothing I can do about those things. I'd just have to deal, somehow. And if or when I do decide to go for it, I'm gonna have to talk to the crew and figure out a solution of some kind. Like maybe I'd have to go to a specific family home or something. Cause I stumbled across that too while I was searching, but only about disabled children and special LSS care for them.
Although likely my child would get asperger too, I don't think that would be the worst thing to deal with. It's all the practical stuff that children, any child, has needs for. Though, I think I would be able to do most of the childcare stuff on my own. Like feeding, clothing, bathing, teaching, generally just caring for them. It's possible illnesses, administrative and juridical stuff that I would need help with.
All this gives me a headache. And I haven't even remotely thought of everything yet, I feel there are more mountains of doom to think through before I can possibly reach my decision whether or not to have a child. As my thoughts move in bigger and more complicated circles I get back to the same issues but deeper into them each time. Soon, I might have reached my decision.
It feels worth it all, but that doesn't mean that I know it would be. I just want to avoid suddenly drowning in an ocean of phone calls and paperwork once the baby has been born. In hassles and arguments nation wide because I'm not like other people and I know that there's a fucking majority not wanting me to reproduce. And I'd have to deal with that somehow and do as much as I possibly could on my own. It would be far from easy cause these diagnoses on paper actually have major impacts on my entire life.
So, sure I want a little bundle of joy, but I'd be facing so much chaos you can't possibly imagine it. Juridic, administrative, personal, social, within my own home and outside in society. I. Can't. Grasp. It.
Showing posts with label children. Show all posts
Showing posts with label children. Show all posts
Monday, 30 March 2015
Sunday, 29 March 2015
Holding on to the dream (very long)
I finally managed to drag my ass to the tobacco store to buy cigarettes and then found a lot of things at the grocery store too. I'll continue replacing beans with that soy based farce and nuts instead, for now. It's at least got some kind of protein in it.
And I thought about parenthood and children all the way down town and back up again. I can't let go, and I don't want to.
Would my eating disorder be a terrible obstacle if I got pregnant? I can't help but wonder if that could become dangerous somehow, for the baby, I mean. And then I can't help but worry about complications of any kind.
Like my friend who knows about this thing couldn't get anesthesia because of his male personal identity number, that the computer rejected it somehow. Or like what could happen if my child would be ill or injured somehow? Like what if has downs syndrome?
I'd just try my best to take care of it anyway, cause I can't possibly imagine having an abortion because of anything. It would tear at my soul and heart, to do such a thing when I want a child this much. I know that my genes suck, but there's nothing I can do about that. I didn't choose my crappy genes.
And suddenly I start thinking about clothes. What I should possibly wear during a pregnancy. Like I was thinking I could try those special kind of jeans if they don't look too feminine (I already wear women's jeans sometimes as it is) and combine that with men's quite large shirts and sweaters.
And baby clothes... oh my god, I want to buy that already! But it will be tricky figuring out if I should go gender neutral or mix girly with boyish. Or I could sew my own if I had the inspiration and will to do that. Or if I should go with "normal" or something goth-ish. I'd probably mix and match in a messy way that might or might not turn out so good.
Although, what kind of clothes to choose would be the least of my worry, to be perfectly honest. I don't even know if I'll raise my possible kid on Gotland or on the main land. Because I want to move back to Uppsala sometime not too far into the future. Although, I'd aim for going through pregnancy and the first year or so with my parents close at hand, because of pure practical reasons.
Yes, my parents would hate me for bringing a child to the world, but you know what? It's my life, my body, my fucking decision and they have no right to stop me from getting a child if that's what I decide for. They'd just have to deal with it. They could complain however much they want to, it's not up to them.
I really can't stop ranting about this, and I'm a little bit sorry for filling up entire walls of text about this here on my blog. It might be a bit tedious to read about by now. But it's what's on my mind and it's what's keeping me alive right now, so I think it's fair to say that it's important in that way.
It's true, I've become close to suicidal again, when I don't think about having children, because K never spoke to me again after 35 days. And I can't deal with that. I can't deal at all. And if it wasn't for these fluffy thoughts on parenthood, I could have been in that suicidal mess again by now.
So, I'm riding on those fluffy feelings of wanting a child, even though it's still way too early to tell if I'm actually ready for such a drastic change it would be to actually go through with it. And for a fraction of a second, I was actually glad in a fucked up way, that I was born with a female body, because that allows me to experience a pregnancy if that's what I truly want.
I'm not saying that I'm de-transitioning or anything even remotely close to that. I'm still a man, just sort of embracing a part of my body that I've always hated up until recently. My female parts isn't what I am, it's simply something that I have and whether or not I have those parts, I'm still a guy and always will be.
So, I'm definitely not going female again, just possibly use what I have the way it was intended, or what to say. Make use for those child bearing hips and that junk that rattles inside me that's caused so much pain and suffering and dysphoria all through my teenage years and early 20's with all that it meant with having/getting periods.
Just one child, that's all I ever want. I couldn't imagine doing it twice or more. Once I kinda wanted two kids, a boy and a girl, but what if it turns out to be two boys or two girls? Haha, I don't really care about that, but what I do care about is simply this: it would (likely) be a whole lot harder with more than one kid. And I only need one. That one I could easily favour over every other kid in the whole wide world and there would be no competition. Hope I wouldn't spoil them too much though, haha.
I have thought about one more thing though, that I probably wouldn't take advantage of daycare that much. Since I'm not dependent on a job or anything, I could easily be a stay at home parent and still get money coming in. I would love to be a stay at home parent! Seriously. And I would need to, unless I find a partner that could help me with that. But I also know that it's even harder finding a partner if you have a child, generally speaking.
Not that I'm even looking for a partner, except from K, but yeah. Yeah... that's a whole different chapter that you already know about. So, I'd aim to be a single parent, and then the partner issue, if it becomes an actual issue, can get solved whenever or never cause I forgot how to care about that. Cause it's like, with a child, I wouldn't need any other kind of love.
I do believe that, that that's the only love I need in my sad excuse for a life. And suddenly I'm not so disgusted by my body anymore, though possibly going off testosterone bothers me a bit. All the changes that could revert back and going back to the menstrual cycle with all those mood swings and what not. Having those female hormones rampaging in my body for 9 months then too. I can just barely imagine what a hell it could be like.
I've only heard stories from cis-women and a few transguys (mostly from youtube, haha). So yeah, that would definitely be something to look forward too... So it both scares me and allures me. It's such a mix of thoughts and feelings... like really, I can just barely manage to describe it all. Although I try to, cause I just can't keep it all bottled up inside me.
It's like I'm already trying to prepare myself, you know. For what it could be like. I want to know everything before making my decision definite. Right now I'm just letting myself feel these feelings and think these thoughts. Just letting it all bounce around to eventually settle for whatever conclusion I might reach.
And I don't want to stop writing about it this time, but my words reach an end and eventually I'll have to. The first person I think about telling would be my shrink. I'll see her again the 17th and maybe I'll tell her then or the next time. There's a lot about Anna going on in that office right now. Secondly I'll tell my mother, and then I don't know. Possibly the internet, or the crew.
The crew needs to know because if I do plan to go through with it I don't know what is their view point on me having an extra person living in my LSS apartment suddenly one day. If I'd have to move out or if it can be arranged in some other, less complicated way. Cause I'm gonna need a whole lot of support including LSS if I do decide to have a child.
I mean, I still can't quite take care of myself and I know that it would be wise of me to wait a few more years to see if I could get more independent first, that thought is not lost on me, but I really feel like I don't have that kind of time. I might be lost in my self fulfilling prophecy, or I'm just too damn realistic. I don't know, but I think both the male hormones rampaging through my body and time lessens my chances of being able to get pregnant in the first place, as well as my mind slowly killing me as I constantly lose my will to live.
In other words, I just don't have all eternity. I don't have the time that I might need. I'll have to make it work anyway somehow. And it feels like one of the most important decisions of my entire life, maybe of everyone's life, and I just can't let it go forever. I know, have known for 2 years now, that I want to have a child someday, whether that is within a year or 10 years from now.
I can't see myself alive in 10 years. I really, really can't. But I hope I will be, I hope I'll be alive to take care of that child and help them up to and through their adulthood. I don't want to die from my child. Of course they should outlive me, but not like that. I don't want them growing up, never have known their father, but I realise that with the mess that is my life, it might have to come to that.
I so-so accept it, yet it's tearing me apart. If only I could find something like a guarantee that I won't die before I turn 28, but I can't possibly find such a thing. All I can do is try to find reasons to hold on to life and suffer through what needs to be suffered through. Back again, is it selfish of me to want a child if that's the only thing that could keep me alive? Is that a horrible reason, or in fact a rather amazing one?
To maybe, just maybe, one day tell that child that "you kept me alive". I mean, I'm almost in tears just thinking about that. And the shudders... damn. But maybe it would be placing a terrible burden on that child as well, or if they are more grown up at that time.
It's probably not something you should say to a 7 year old or something. But maybe a 27 year old? If I ever get to live to the age of *counting* 54 or beyond. I counted it as I would be 27 when I get that child, which is about as early as I could become a parent.
I might still be 26 but I find that unlikely somehow. Also, somehow I find it appealing that I could have my child at a younger age than my parents were when they had me. Although it would be at most 3 years younger, it's still something. Growing up, I always thought that my parents were too old and everyone else's parents were a lot younger. Though that wasn't entirely true of course, since 30 isn't that old to get your first child.
It really isn't old, now pushing 30 myself, haha. I hope I'll get to my 30th birthday and celebrate it with my tiny little family. I wonder what season or month my child would be born, all of a sudden. Oh my god, I just want that kind of life so much! Right now, I can't really imagine anything more wonderful and beautiful.
What suddenly changed within me? Two years ago I never intended to have a child, now it's all I can think of. It came so suddenly this time. Hm, my child would likely never know their grand-grand parents, I just came to think of. Somehow that saddens me, cause before, when my grand mother was still sane, she used to love kids. Now she's the only one still (barely) alive and lives at a retirement home somewhere in the Stockholm area. I don't think I would ever visit her there, and definitely not bring a child to such a place.
I just wish I had a relative that likes children. Possibly my uncle, by the way, since he for quite some time had a girlfriend who has kids. I think they're about 5-7 years old. He still has contact with them. So possibly that he would be alright with meeting my possible future child. Other than that, I would likely mostly have my family to myself and my parents would help me as much as they could force themselves to, with desperate sighs and what not.
Haha, it wouldn't be that much time for sitting by the computer blogging, chatting, playing video games or doing anything for that matter when having an infant to take care of 24/7. Yeah... but oh it would be fun. I really think so. Waking up 20 times a night to feed the little bundle of joy, changing diapers and checking for fevers and other ailments, comforting and carrying them everywhere. I'd give lots of love, making up for that I wouldn't be able to breast feed them. Just holding them instead.
I don't know if you've noticed, but I refrain from calling my possible future child "it" as I don't really see children as property but more as actual, although tiny, human beings. So there is a thought behind that.
Also, I couldn't have picked a better time to get better at and like cooking, right? Cause then I could cook for that possible child. And as I said before, I'd make them anything, vegan or not. What's most important is that they get everything they need, and secondly that they would like the food.
Okay, I'm running out of words now and I'll post this massive wall of text that consists of most of my thoughts since that last entry earlier today. My head really is cramming with thoughts and feelings colouring each other in an endless spinning... whatever, and this is the only way I can at least somewhat sort it all.
And I thought about parenthood and children all the way down town and back up again. I can't let go, and I don't want to.
Would my eating disorder be a terrible obstacle if I got pregnant? I can't help but wonder if that could become dangerous somehow, for the baby, I mean. And then I can't help but worry about complications of any kind.
Like my friend who knows about this thing couldn't get anesthesia because of his male personal identity number, that the computer rejected it somehow. Or like what could happen if my child would be ill or injured somehow? Like what if has downs syndrome?
I'd just try my best to take care of it anyway, cause I can't possibly imagine having an abortion because of anything. It would tear at my soul and heart, to do such a thing when I want a child this much. I know that my genes suck, but there's nothing I can do about that. I didn't choose my crappy genes.
And suddenly I start thinking about clothes. What I should possibly wear during a pregnancy. Like I was thinking I could try those special kind of jeans if they don't look too feminine (I already wear women's jeans sometimes as it is) and combine that with men's quite large shirts and sweaters.
And baby clothes... oh my god, I want to buy that already! But it will be tricky figuring out if I should go gender neutral or mix girly with boyish. Or I could sew my own if I had the inspiration and will to do that. Or if I should go with "normal" or something goth-ish. I'd probably mix and match in a messy way that might or might not turn out so good.
Although, what kind of clothes to choose would be the least of my worry, to be perfectly honest. I don't even know if I'll raise my possible kid on Gotland or on the main land. Because I want to move back to Uppsala sometime not too far into the future. Although, I'd aim for going through pregnancy and the first year or so with my parents close at hand, because of pure practical reasons.
Yes, my parents would hate me for bringing a child to the world, but you know what? It's my life, my body, my fucking decision and they have no right to stop me from getting a child if that's what I decide for. They'd just have to deal with it. They could complain however much they want to, it's not up to them.
I really can't stop ranting about this, and I'm a little bit sorry for filling up entire walls of text about this here on my blog. It might be a bit tedious to read about by now. But it's what's on my mind and it's what's keeping me alive right now, so I think it's fair to say that it's important in that way.
It's true, I've become close to suicidal again, when I don't think about having children, because K never spoke to me again after 35 days. And I can't deal with that. I can't deal at all. And if it wasn't for these fluffy thoughts on parenthood, I could have been in that suicidal mess again by now.
So, I'm riding on those fluffy feelings of wanting a child, even though it's still way too early to tell if I'm actually ready for such a drastic change it would be to actually go through with it. And for a fraction of a second, I was actually glad in a fucked up way, that I was born with a female body, because that allows me to experience a pregnancy if that's what I truly want.
I'm not saying that I'm de-transitioning or anything even remotely close to that. I'm still a man, just sort of embracing a part of my body that I've always hated up until recently. My female parts isn't what I am, it's simply something that I have and whether or not I have those parts, I'm still a guy and always will be.
So, I'm definitely not going female again, just possibly use what I have the way it was intended, or what to say. Make use for those child bearing hips and that junk that rattles inside me that's caused so much pain and suffering and dysphoria all through my teenage years and early 20's with all that it meant with having/getting periods.
Just one child, that's all I ever want. I couldn't imagine doing it twice or more. Once I kinda wanted two kids, a boy and a girl, but what if it turns out to be two boys or two girls? Haha, I don't really care about that, but what I do care about is simply this: it would (likely) be a whole lot harder with more than one kid. And I only need one. That one I could easily favour over every other kid in the whole wide world and there would be no competition. Hope I wouldn't spoil them too much though, haha.
I have thought about one more thing though, that I probably wouldn't take advantage of daycare that much. Since I'm not dependent on a job or anything, I could easily be a stay at home parent and still get money coming in. I would love to be a stay at home parent! Seriously. And I would need to, unless I find a partner that could help me with that. But I also know that it's even harder finding a partner if you have a child, generally speaking.
Not that I'm even looking for a partner, except from K, but yeah. Yeah... that's a whole different chapter that you already know about. So, I'd aim to be a single parent, and then the partner issue, if it becomes an actual issue, can get solved whenever or never cause I forgot how to care about that. Cause it's like, with a child, I wouldn't need any other kind of love.
I do believe that, that that's the only love I need in my sad excuse for a life. And suddenly I'm not so disgusted by my body anymore, though possibly going off testosterone bothers me a bit. All the changes that could revert back and going back to the menstrual cycle with all those mood swings and what not. Having those female hormones rampaging in my body for 9 months then too. I can just barely imagine what a hell it could be like.
I've only heard stories from cis-women and a few transguys (mostly from youtube, haha). So yeah, that would definitely be something to look forward too... So it both scares me and allures me. It's such a mix of thoughts and feelings... like really, I can just barely manage to describe it all. Although I try to, cause I just can't keep it all bottled up inside me.
It's like I'm already trying to prepare myself, you know. For what it could be like. I want to know everything before making my decision definite. Right now I'm just letting myself feel these feelings and think these thoughts. Just letting it all bounce around to eventually settle for whatever conclusion I might reach.
And I don't want to stop writing about it this time, but my words reach an end and eventually I'll have to. The first person I think about telling would be my shrink. I'll see her again the 17th and maybe I'll tell her then or the next time. There's a lot about Anna going on in that office right now. Secondly I'll tell my mother, and then I don't know. Possibly the internet, or the crew.
The crew needs to know because if I do plan to go through with it I don't know what is their view point on me having an extra person living in my LSS apartment suddenly one day. If I'd have to move out or if it can be arranged in some other, less complicated way. Cause I'm gonna need a whole lot of support including LSS if I do decide to have a child.
I mean, I still can't quite take care of myself and I know that it would be wise of me to wait a few more years to see if I could get more independent first, that thought is not lost on me, but I really feel like I don't have that kind of time. I might be lost in my self fulfilling prophecy, or I'm just too damn realistic. I don't know, but I think both the male hormones rampaging through my body and time lessens my chances of being able to get pregnant in the first place, as well as my mind slowly killing me as I constantly lose my will to live.
In other words, I just don't have all eternity. I don't have the time that I might need. I'll have to make it work anyway somehow. And it feels like one of the most important decisions of my entire life, maybe of everyone's life, and I just can't let it go forever. I know, have known for 2 years now, that I want to have a child someday, whether that is within a year or 10 years from now.
I can't see myself alive in 10 years. I really, really can't. But I hope I will be, I hope I'll be alive to take care of that child and help them up to and through their adulthood. I don't want to die from my child. Of course they should outlive me, but not like that. I don't want them growing up, never have known their father, but I realise that with the mess that is my life, it might have to come to that.
I so-so accept it, yet it's tearing me apart. If only I could find something like a guarantee that I won't die before I turn 28, but I can't possibly find such a thing. All I can do is try to find reasons to hold on to life and suffer through what needs to be suffered through. Back again, is it selfish of me to want a child if that's the only thing that could keep me alive? Is that a horrible reason, or in fact a rather amazing one?
To maybe, just maybe, one day tell that child that "you kept me alive". I mean, I'm almost in tears just thinking about that. And the shudders... damn. But maybe it would be placing a terrible burden on that child as well, or if they are more grown up at that time.
It's probably not something you should say to a 7 year old or something. But maybe a 27 year old? If I ever get to live to the age of *counting* 54 or beyond. I counted it as I would be 27 when I get that child, which is about as early as I could become a parent.
I might still be 26 but I find that unlikely somehow. Also, somehow I find it appealing that I could have my child at a younger age than my parents were when they had me. Although it would be at most 3 years younger, it's still something. Growing up, I always thought that my parents were too old and everyone else's parents were a lot younger. Though that wasn't entirely true of course, since 30 isn't that old to get your first child.
It really isn't old, now pushing 30 myself, haha. I hope I'll get to my 30th birthday and celebrate it with my tiny little family. I wonder what season or month my child would be born, all of a sudden. Oh my god, I just want that kind of life so much! Right now, I can't really imagine anything more wonderful and beautiful.
What suddenly changed within me? Two years ago I never intended to have a child, now it's all I can think of. It came so suddenly this time. Hm, my child would likely never know their grand-grand parents, I just came to think of. Somehow that saddens me, cause before, when my grand mother was still sane, she used to love kids. Now she's the only one still (barely) alive and lives at a retirement home somewhere in the Stockholm area. I don't think I would ever visit her there, and definitely not bring a child to such a place.
I just wish I had a relative that likes children. Possibly my uncle, by the way, since he for quite some time had a girlfriend who has kids. I think they're about 5-7 years old. He still has contact with them. So possibly that he would be alright with meeting my possible future child. Other than that, I would likely mostly have my family to myself and my parents would help me as much as they could force themselves to, with desperate sighs and what not.
Haha, it wouldn't be that much time for sitting by the computer blogging, chatting, playing video games or doing anything for that matter when having an infant to take care of 24/7. Yeah... but oh it would be fun. I really think so. Waking up 20 times a night to feed the little bundle of joy, changing diapers and checking for fevers and other ailments, comforting and carrying them everywhere. I'd give lots of love, making up for that I wouldn't be able to breast feed them. Just holding them instead.
I don't know if you've noticed, but I refrain from calling my possible future child "it" as I don't really see children as property but more as actual, although tiny, human beings. So there is a thought behind that.
Also, I couldn't have picked a better time to get better at and like cooking, right? Cause then I could cook for that possible child. And as I said before, I'd make them anything, vegan or not. What's most important is that they get everything they need, and secondly that they would like the food.
Okay, I'm running out of words now and I'll post this massive wall of text that consists of most of my thoughts since that last entry earlier today. My head really is cramming with thoughts and feelings colouring each other in an endless spinning... whatever, and this is the only way I can at least somewhat sort it all.
Something to live for
I've been wondering too what to do with the internet if I end up with child. Like it would probably be hard to keep such information to myself. And would tumblr then find out about me being trans too? Since it would be impossible stating one fact without the other, I mean.
Maybe I wouldn't care about coming out, or I'd find another way of saying that I'm gonna have a child. But then people would probably ask who the mother is, and my child isn't gonna have a biological mother. Isn't that a little mind blowing too? That the child would have 2 biological fathers? Mother, father, they're just words really, the process is still the same as it would be for a female having her child.
But I've been thinking about it on and off, what an extraordinary thing it would be really, for me to have a child. That it would be uncommon for a transguy post transition to do such a thing. I know it's not very uncommon at all for transguys to have children before their transition, but it's not exactly the same thing.
And I'm still scared about the weight gain. Isn't that just annoying, in a way? My annoying eating disorder which I can't wrap my head around, like why would that even be important at all? Of course, of bloody course there would be weight gain with a pregnancy. There would be another person living inside my belly, that I'd also have to feed and eat more for.
I'd really have to look it up in precise details just how much more I'm supposed to eat throughout that possible pregnancy. Keep in touch with the same or another dietitian so that I'd do it right and neither starve the poor thing nor overfeed both it and myself. And maybe even somehow deal with a slight overfeeding if it comes to that. Cause that would be better than starvation any day, even I realise that.
There actually was a time when I thought about it, that if I'd ever end up pregnant and wanting to keep the baby, I would do everything wrong just because I still somehow wouldn't have cared. That I would smoke, drink and keep my bad eating habits. But now, I'm not just thinking it would be stupid, it would be incredibly wrong and horrible of me. I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing that I might have hurt my baby.
I'm maturing, okay? Possibly even becoming a responsible adult, in a way. In this certain way, I'd just love to be the best parent I could ever possibly be. Maybe it wouldn't be enough, but it's the best I can do. And I'm all for becoming a better person, in lots of ways.
Maybe I wouldn't be fit for a parent, but I'd bloody try with everything I've got and more to not be an unfit parent.
I'm glad these thoughts are back, making me smile again for a possible, much brighter but also much more complicated, future. I'll stick to my plan though, to not go jumping into anything until some time has passed. I need for this to sink in properly and I really can't rush this. That would just be irresponsible and I need for this to be an at least somewhat wise decision.
And there is sooo much to plan around, really, I don't think you have any idea. I don't think anyone does unless you have a child already, and yes, that would definitely include me too. I'm just looking at this huge other world ahead of me and I can't grasp it. Is it ahead of me? I don't know that yet.
It's soon April. Where did the time go? As far as I know, things could already be set in motion by this time next year, or I could have realised that parenthood isn't something for me after all. I will however wait a while with possible bottom surgery, let's say a few years, just to be dead sure about that.
Cause that is still something I'd like to have done sometime in the future. If I even live that long. I can't possibly know. But right now, I can see myself wanting to be alive for a child, but not without one. Anything to keep me alive? Usually yes, but in this case? I'm not that sure.
Maybe I wouldn't care about coming out, or I'd find another way of saying that I'm gonna have a child. But then people would probably ask who the mother is, and my child isn't gonna have a biological mother. Isn't that a little mind blowing too? That the child would have 2 biological fathers? Mother, father, they're just words really, the process is still the same as it would be for a female having her child.
But I've been thinking about it on and off, what an extraordinary thing it would be really, for me to have a child. That it would be uncommon for a transguy post transition to do such a thing. I know it's not very uncommon at all for transguys to have children before their transition, but it's not exactly the same thing.
And I'm still scared about the weight gain. Isn't that just annoying, in a way? My annoying eating disorder which I can't wrap my head around, like why would that even be important at all? Of course, of bloody course there would be weight gain with a pregnancy. There would be another person living inside my belly, that I'd also have to feed and eat more for.
I'd really have to look it up in precise details just how much more I'm supposed to eat throughout that possible pregnancy. Keep in touch with the same or another dietitian so that I'd do it right and neither starve the poor thing nor overfeed both it and myself. And maybe even somehow deal with a slight overfeeding if it comes to that. Cause that would be better than starvation any day, even I realise that.
There actually was a time when I thought about it, that if I'd ever end up pregnant and wanting to keep the baby, I would do everything wrong just because I still somehow wouldn't have cared. That I would smoke, drink and keep my bad eating habits. But now, I'm not just thinking it would be stupid, it would be incredibly wrong and horrible of me. I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing that I might have hurt my baby.
I'm maturing, okay? Possibly even becoming a responsible adult, in a way. In this certain way, I'd just love to be the best parent I could ever possibly be. Maybe it wouldn't be enough, but it's the best I can do. And I'm all for becoming a better person, in lots of ways.
Maybe I wouldn't be fit for a parent, but I'd bloody try with everything I've got and more to not be an unfit parent.
I'm glad these thoughts are back, making me smile again for a possible, much brighter but also much more complicated, future. I'll stick to my plan though, to not go jumping into anything until some time has passed. I need for this to sink in properly and I really can't rush this. That would just be irresponsible and I need for this to be an at least somewhat wise decision.
And there is sooo much to plan around, really, I don't think you have any idea. I don't think anyone does unless you have a child already, and yes, that would definitely include me too. I'm just looking at this huge other world ahead of me and I can't grasp it. Is it ahead of me? I don't know that yet.
It's soon April. Where did the time go? As far as I know, things could already be set in motion by this time next year, or I could have realised that parenthood isn't something for me after all. I will however wait a while with possible bottom surgery, let's say a few years, just to be dead sure about that.
Cause that is still something I'd like to have done sometime in the future. If I even live that long. I can't possibly know. But right now, I can see myself wanting to be alive for a child, but not without one. Anything to keep me alive? Usually yes, but in this case? I'm not that sure.
Friday, 27 March 2015
More things I've thought of
I've been thinking about names. Like, I know I want to name a daughter either Alice or Lydia, but a son? On my way back home from my shrink's office, I thought about the name Caspian for a boy, and/or Isak with whatever spelling. In a way, maybe it's wrong of me... but I kind hope it would be a boy.
Mostly because I never had a brother or any special contact with any male relatives. I've mostly surrounded myself with girls and women in my life, and I don't know, but I think it would be neat with a male relative I can completely adore. I wouldn't mind a baby girl though. I believe I would love my child endlessly no matter what sex they're born as.
And they could turn out intersex or transgender. I would though, not treat my child any different depending on their sex. I would simply treat them like a human being, a very precious human being. Buy them the clothes and toys that they want and like. I would definitely not impose any gender role on them. Maybe that's a given, considering who and what I am, but I think it's important to mention anyway.
I also thought about what I would do if they turn out intersex, if I'd be somehow forced to pick a sex for the birth certificate or whatever. I would never want to force a gender on my child in that or any other case. I thought about it circles for many minutes.
And then I thought about school, that I wouldn't be able to possibly hide my pregnancy there, it would probably have to be so that I'll come out as trans there then. Because not only is a pregnancy hard to hide (I can only imagine), I'd also have to explain why I'd suddenly leave when it's time to give birth and be on leave for some time after. I don't know how that would work either.
So much that I don't know, and my head hurts from all the thoughts, but they make my smile, a genuine and warm smile that I'd love to hold on to. It's like... lately, just thinking about creating my own little family is what's holding me above the surface. I still haven't told anyone, I want to get this deal about Anna out and over first. And I want to keep those thoughts and feelings to myself a little longer, let them grow or decrease, whatever happens.
Cause who knows, maybe I'll change my mind again? I don't think so right now, but it's been coming and going these past 2 years, my thought on parenthood. But it's never been this strong and intense before.
I've thought about it, that maybe I want to teach my child English as well as Swedish as they grow up, for them to possibly become bilingual from early on. I know my spoken English is far from flawless, it's decent and alright at best. Also, I would not impose my or anyone else's religious views on my child, and try to teach them good morals instead of my sucky ones.
I'd try to do everything right from start, the way I would have wanted to be raised, with much more freedom and actually be there for my child whenever they need/want me to. As much as I could, be a good parent, friend and teacher. Never judge them, always accept them and try my best to understand everything they'll go through.
It's hard though, I have to admit, thinking about them growing up to become an adult eventually. Cause I'm so scared of having them taken away from me at an early age, I try to focus on the first few years when they're still a toddler.
Maybe my fears are a bit illogical or irrational, maybe someone has to be a lot more of a mess for something like that to happen. I don't know. I don't know if I'll ever harm my child unintentionally or intentionally. If I'd lose my temper or whatever. I have no idea how good or bad I am with children since I've very rarely interacted with any child of any age.
I have held a toddler once before, his name was Hugo and at the time he was about 1 year old. He would be about 12-13 by now. I was 14 years old then and a little bit freaked, but it was nice somehow. He was cool about it, and probably just as surprised as I was. His mother got a phone call or something and was like "here, hold this for me" just out of the blue. I didn't expect the child to be so heavy at that young age, but maybe my young and girly arms lacked a bit of strength too.
I still find myself thinking about those 2 or so minutes of my life, when I for the first time held a child, and the only time so far. I really don't have much experience with children at all, I hardly even know what to say around them. It's mostly just awkward. I talk normally to children though, I don't change my voice or anything. I only found that weird and creepy when adults did that with me when I was a child.
So, the only real experiences I have is about my own childhood, the view from the eyes of a child. And holding that baby boy Hugo for 2 minutes. Oh yeah, now I remember! In the car on my way back from my shrink, I also thought about that I wouldn't be able to breast feed my child, since I have no boobs anymore and hardly any breast tissue at all. I'd have to use milk replacement stuff or what it's called.
See, I really think about a whole lot of stuff, anything that comes to mind. But mostly I just fantasise about what it all could be like. Oh, and I wouldn't force them to become vegan or vegetarian either. I'd most likely feed them whatever and then let them decide on their own. In general, I would let my child decide as much as possible on their own. The only things I'd "force" them to would be like dentists, doctor's appointments, school, possibly pre-school and stuff like that.
In other words, I'd give them as much freedom as I possibly can without it being dangerous in some way. This is so fun, thinking about it like this. All those little things I've always had in mind but never really thought about. Oh, I keep forgetting things all the time! I also thought about what I would do about my butt load of medication while being pregnant. Some of them could be harmful for the baby.
Did I mention these thoughts are seemingly never ending? I hope they continue keeping me alive and at least somewhat sane, or crazy about getting a kid. That kind of crazy is good, in my opinion. But oh damn, what am I gonna do about my parents' complete lack of support? They've always said that if me or my sister ever get kids we'd have to take care of them ourselves. I'll never be able to do this entirely on my own.
I'll have to solve that problem somehow. Maybe slowly try to tell my mother about how I want a kid and carefully make sure she can't talk me out of it, once I've made up my mind for sure. Be a bit tactful but firm at the same time. I don't know what else to do. Cause sure I can find every little bit of information possible online or wherever, but I mean I can't even get to the hospital on my own.
I just want to act mature in this and not just one day state that "oops, I'm pregnant, take care of me" cause that would be stupid and irresponsible. Nope, I wanna go about it with tact and careful planning. As much as I possibly can. And I'm gonna need all the help I can get.
I'll still wait though, try not to start spinning it already. Let the thoughts and feelings continue for I don't know, a few months at least. Talk about it with my shrink and I could also get a test done to see if I'm fertile, but won't go much further than that until in at least 6 months. If I can possibly hold myself for that long... As I said, need to be a bit mature and tactful. I don't want this fucking up and becoming a disaster somehow.
I think the worst that could happen is me getting knocked up and then realising I wasn't at all ready or prepared for parenthood. Aaand one more thing I just thought of, is that it's very likely my child will get asperger syndrome too, as it runs in my entire family, at least back to my grand parents. But having it myself, I don't think that would be an impossible struggle or anything.
Right now, my biggest fear is what if I can't get pregnant at all. Wow, I've never before even had that fear. I even before wished that I couldn't. Mind blowing. Okay, I'm just gonna write forever if I don't stop myself now.
Mostly because I never had a brother or any special contact with any male relatives. I've mostly surrounded myself with girls and women in my life, and I don't know, but I think it would be neat with a male relative I can completely adore. I wouldn't mind a baby girl though. I believe I would love my child endlessly no matter what sex they're born as.
And they could turn out intersex or transgender. I would though, not treat my child any different depending on their sex. I would simply treat them like a human being, a very precious human being. Buy them the clothes and toys that they want and like. I would definitely not impose any gender role on them. Maybe that's a given, considering who and what I am, but I think it's important to mention anyway.
I also thought about what I would do if they turn out intersex, if I'd be somehow forced to pick a sex for the birth certificate or whatever. I would never want to force a gender on my child in that or any other case. I thought about it circles for many minutes.
And then I thought about school, that I wouldn't be able to possibly hide my pregnancy there, it would probably have to be so that I'll come out as trans there then. Because not only is a pregnancy hard to hide (I can only imagine), I'd also have to explain why I'd suddenly leave when it's time to give birth and be on leave for some time after. I don't know how that would work either.
So much that I don't know, and my head hurts from all the thoughts, but they make my smile, a genuine and warm smile that I'd love to hold on to. It's like... lately, just thinking about creating my own little family is what's holding me above the surface. I still haven't told anyone, I want to get this deal about Anna out and over first. And I want to keep those thoughts and feelings to myself a little longer, let them grow or decrease, whatever happens.
Cause who knows, maybe I'll change my mind again? I don't think so right now, but it's been coming and going these past 2 years, my thought on parenthood. But it's never been this strong and intense before.
I've thought about it, that maybe I want to teach my child English as well as Swedish as they grow up, for them to possibly become bilingual from early on. I know my spoken English is far from flawless, it's decent and alright at best. Also, I would not impose my or anyone else's religious views on my child, and try to teach them good morals instead of my sucky ones.
I'd try to do everything right from start, the way I would have wanted to be raised, with much more freedom and actually be there for my child whenever they need/want me to. As much as I could, be a good parent, friend and teacher. Never judge them, always accept them and try my best to understand everything they'll go through.
It's hard though, I have to admit, thinking about them growing up to become an adult eventually. Cause I'm so scared of having them taken away from me at an early age, I try to focus on the first few years when they're still a toddler.
Maybe my fears are a bit illogical or irrational, maybe someone has to be a lot more of a mess for something like that to happen. I don't know. I don't know if I'll ever harm my child unintentionally or intentionally. If I'd lose my temper or whatever. I have no idea how good or bad I am with children since I've very rarely interacted with any child of any age.
I have held a toddler once before, his name was Hugo and at the time he was about 1 year old. He would be about 12-13 by now. I was 14 years old then and a little bit freaked, but it was nice somehow. He was cool about it, and probably just as surprised as I was. His mother got a phone call or something and was like "here, hold this for me" just out of the blue. I didn't expect the child to be so heavy at that young age, but maybe my young and girly arms lacked a bit of strength too.
I still find myself thinking about those 2 or so minutes of my life, when I for the first time held a child, and the only time so far. I really don't have much experience with children at all, I hardly even know what to say around them. It's mostly just awkward. I talk normally to children though, I don't change my voice or anything. I only found that weird and creepy when adults did that with me when I was a child.
So, the only real experiences I have is about my own childhood, the view from the eyes of a child. And holding that baby boy Hugo for 2 minutes. Oh yeah, now I remember! In the car on my way back from my shrink, I also thought about that I wouldn't be able to breast feed my child, since I have no boobs anymore and hardly any breast tissue at all. I'd have to use milk replacement stuff or what it's called.
See, I really think about a whole lot of stuff, anything that comes to mind. But mostly I just fantasise about what it all could be like. Oh, and I wouldn't force them to become vegan or vegetarian either. I'd most likely feed them whatever and then let them decide on their own. In general, I would let my child decide as much as possible on their own. The only things I'd "force" them to would be like dentists, doctor's appointments, school, possibly pre-school and stuff like that.
In other words, I'd give them as much freedom as I possibly can without it being dangerous in some way. This is so fun, thinking about it like this. All those little things I've always had in mind but never really thought about. Oh, I keep forgetting things all the time! I also thought about what I would do about my butt load of medication while being pregnant. Some of them could be harmful for the baby.
Did I mention these thoughts are seemingly never ending? I hope they continue keeping me alive and at least somewhat sane, or crazy about getting a kid. That kind of crazy is good, in my opinion. But oh damn, what am I gonna do about my parents' complete lack of support? They've always said that if me or my sister ever get kids we'd have to take care of them ourselves. I'll never be able to do this entirely on my own.
I'll have to solve that problem somehow. Maybe slowly try to tell my mother about how I want a kid and carefully make sure she can't talk me out of it, once I've made up my mind for sure. Be a bit tactful but firm at the same time. I don't know what else to do. Cause sure I can find every little bit of information possible online or wherever, but I mean I can't even get to the hospital on my own.
I just want to act mature in this and not just one day state that "oops, I'm pregnant, take care of me" cause that would be stupid and irresponsible. Nope, I wanna go about it with tact and careful planning. As much as I possibly can. And I'm gonna need all the help I can get.
I'll still wait though, try not to start spinning it already. Let the thoughts and feelings continue for I don't know, a few months at least. Talk about it with my shrink and I could also get a test done to see if I'm fertile, but won't go much further than that until in at least 6 months. If I can possibly hold myself for that long... As I said, need to be a bit mature and tactful. I don't want this fucking up and becoming a disaster somehow.
I think the worst that could happen is me getting knocked up and then realising I wasn't at all ready or prepared for parenthood. Aaand one more thing I just thought of, is that it's very likely my child will get asperger syndrome too, as it runs in my entire family, at least back to my grand parents. But having it myself, I don't think that would be an impossible struggle or anything.
Right now, my biggest fear is what if I can't get pregnant at all. Wow, I've never before even had that fear. I even before wished that I couldn't. Mind blowing. Okay, I'm just gonna write forever if I don't stop myself now.
Way to start a day
My contact person just called, as scheduled. Apparently the doctor is on leave for a week or so, which I don't really care about. She told me again how good it was that I had not engaged in any self harming behaviours and I'm like thinking yeah sure lol. Cause the only reason things have gone good for me lately is my thoughts on having children. And I didn't want to tell her about that.
It was only about 10 minutes long, our conversation, so not that much was discussed. I've just finished with my morning coffee, but continue to smoke endlessly.
And I still think about my future kid, what it could be like. I think random books lately, or at least Ann Heberlein's book, has made me think more about it. How she describes how a mother carries her child under her heart, it's just so damn beautiful. Her love for her own children somehow affected me, how she could go on living because of them, and also how she could not.
That she describes so understandingly how having children won't fix you, or having a loving husband for that matter. And I know having a child won't fix me either, but I do believe it could give me a reason to go on fighting. And I'm stuck on my reasons for wanting a child being selfish, cause what would I say if they one days would ask me why I decided to have them?
Maybe everyone, who's had a child or several, had selfish reasons? Just that I'm too focused on my future child's feelings to find my reasons good enough? Could I even possibly be too focused on such a thing? Isn't that, despite everything, like the best thing to ever keep in mind? My future child's feelings. That they would go before my own stupid feelings.
Maybe I wouldn't be such a bad parent after all. If only I'd strive towards being a good parent and do the best I can, wouldn't that somehow be enough? I am, after all, a good person deep at heart and only want others well. And a child, that child would come before everyone else and be far more important than my own sorry life.
I really do believe that, I'm not as selfish as I think I am. My reasons should matter less than I think they would, as long as I'm prepared to care for that child and wanting to give them the best life I could possibly give them. That is what matters, and now I think I'm onto something again.
But I don't know what more to say about it. I don't feel that good today. I don't know why. Something's twisting in my stomach when I think about it. About the psychiatry and what's in the mix right now. What will my shrink say? I have no idea what to expect, but I hope she'll be understanding of my past secret. That I kept within me for 10 years and 7 years before that.
I'm finally willing to discuss it and maybe get some kind of help for it. I don't know. But I ache for a diagnosis and I don't think it's as simple as "just hearing voices" as it stems from a childhood trauma and is far more complicated than just a voice in my head. Hopefully, I'll be able to communicate that and stress that I very much would like to know exactly what the fuck is going on.
Without starting to ramble different diagnoses I've been looking at and the diagnostic criteria for those. I don't know, because nothing really seems to fit. And that's a little why I finally come to them about it, since I don't have the slightest clue and it's driving me crazy. If I wasn't crazy already, that is.
For all the times my shrink has mentioned that I'm not crazy, I can't help but thinking would she still say that if she knew about Anna? I mean, I know hearing voices doesn't necessarily make you crazy, but the way I do... what else would it be? I don't mind being crazy, I seriously don't. What I do mind is not being able to function.
As simple as that, and it can mean so much. What makes me not being able to function? Is it Anna, my asperger, borderline or something else? That I don't believe that I'm human, or what else? So many different things dragging me down in various directions and for various reasons.
But I just want my answer, how crazy am I? Or more like, in what way? My head filled to the brim with questions today, along with some general rambling. And I'm so tired, despite just having my morning coffee. I can't focus that well on anything else than of how tired I am. Things pop up in fragments as I try to distort and twist and turn them for whatever reasons.
Cause I doubt it's because I want to understand them. It's too early for that, but my mind is racing wild anyway.
It was only about 10 minutes long, our conversation, so not that much was discussed. I've just finished with my morning coffee, but continue to smoke endlessly.
And I still think about my future kid, what it could be like. I think random books lately, or at least Ann Heberlein's book, has made me think more about it. How she describes how a mother carries her child under her heart, it's just so damn beautiful. Her love for her own children somehow affected me, how she could go on living because of them, and also how she could not.
That she describes so understandingly how having children won't fix you, or having a loving husband for that matter. And I know having a child won't fix me either, but I do believe it could give me a reason to go on fighting. And I'm stuck on my reasons for wanting a child being selfish, cause what would I say if they one days would ask me why I decided to have them?
Maybe everyone, who's had a child or several, had selfish reasons? Just that I'm too focused on my future child's feelings to find my reasons good enough? Could I even possibly be too focused on such a thing? Isn't that, despite everything, like the best thing to ever keep in mind? My future child's feelings. That they would go before my own stupid feelings.
Maybe I wouldn't be such a bad parent after all. If only I'd strive towards being a good parent and do the best I can, wouldn't that somehow be enough? I am, after all, a good person deep at heart and only want others well. And a child, that child would come before everyone else and be far more important than my own sorry life.
I really do believe that, I'm not as selfish as I think I am. My reasons should matter less than I think they would, as long as I'm prepared to care for that child and wanting to give them the best life I could possibly give them. That is what matters, and now I think I'm onto something again.
But I don't know what more to say about it. I don't feel that good today. I don't know why. Something's twisting in my stomach when I think about it. About the psychiatry and what's in the mix right now. What will my shrink say? I have no idea what to expect, but I hope she'll be understanding of my past secret. That I kept within me for 10 years and 7 years before that.
I'm finally willing to discuss it and maybe get some kind of help for it. I don't know. But I ache for a diagnosis and I don't think it's as simple as "just hearing voices" as it stems from a childhood trauma and is far more complicated than just a voice in my head. Hopefully, I'll be able to communicate that and stress that I very much would like to know exactly what the fuck is going on.
Without starting to ramble different diagnoses I've been looking at and the diagnostic criteria for those. I don't know, because nothing really seems to fit. And that's a little why I finally come to them about it, since I don't have the slightest clue and it's driving me crazy. If I wasn't crazy already, that is.
For all the times my shrink has mentioned that I'm not crazy, I can't help but thinking would she still say that if she knew about Anna? I mean, I know hearing voices doesn't necessarily make you crazy, but the way I do... what else would it be? I don't mind being crazy, I seriously don't. What I do mind is not being able to function.
As simple as that, and it can mean so much. What makes me not being able to function? Is it Anna, my asperger, borderline or something else? That I don't believe that I'm human, or what else? So many different things dragging me down in various directions and for various reasons.
But I just want my answer, how crazy am I? Or more like, in what way? My head filled to the brim with questions today, along with some general rambling. And I'm so tired, despite just having my morning coffee. I can't focus that well on anything else than of how tired I am. Things pop up in fragments as I try to distort and twist and turn them for whatever reasons.
Cause I doubt it's because I want to understand them. It's too early for that, but my mind is racing wild anyway.
Thursday, 26 March 2015
A world of complications
It's so weird. Six months ago I was so sure that I wanted bottom surgery and hysterectomy, like I was dying for it, you know. I wrote so much about it, even went outside of my comfort zone to talk about my junk and all those feelings I had about it. And now... 6 months later, I don't want it anymore. Now I want to keep everything intact so that I can have a biological child.
I'm so glad that I gave myself even more time to think about it, despite thinking that I was certain. These life-changing decisions sure are exhausting and can I soon be done with such? No, I think everyone is faced with life-changing decisions all one's life, no matter if trans or not. It's just different decisions. Like I've never had to think about career or marriage, but I think about surgeries and parenthood instead. It's a mix of trans-related stuff and non trans-related stuff.
But mostly it is trans-related in some way or another. In a way I'm now glad that I didn't start my transition earlier, I would probably have cried rivers by now if I had had a hysterectomy earlier, like I don't know, years ago when I definitely wanted that. I hated children when I was a child, teenager and into my early 20's. I was repulsed and freaked at the thought of ending up pregnant.
I thought for sure I was never gonna want a child. Although, somewhere in the back of my mind the dream has always been there. Ambivalent, yes, but I wasn't aware of just how ambivalent I was when it came to that.
You might not know this, but back in junior high, when I was 13 years old, I wrote half a book on my first computer about myself that then became about a future me, a possible future that was both good and bad.
In that story, I was a woman (I didn't know I was trans yet) and got married to a guy that I knew in real life, although it was a one way crush fairly similar to my present situation with K (my heart has literally always been completely hopeless). Anyways, in that story I got married to that guy and we had a child together when I had gotten to my early 30's, I think. The child was never conceived before I stopped writing though.
I'm not entirely sure what happened to that story, just that somehow the document broke down and could not be restored, then the whole computer crashed too. So it's completely lost, I can never get to read that story or share it ever again. Completely gone. Anyway, it reminds me that even when I was as young as 13 years old, there was a part of me that wanted a child someday.
But at that age, I had my illusion that if I ever had a child, that child would be a perfect little angel and it was only that kind of child I could ever imagine having. It's a lot different now, of course. Just that knowing that if I ever have a child, or when I do, that child would be perfect in my eyes no matter what a mess they might turn into. With my genes, I can only imagine. Hopefully, they won't be too much like me.
Is it rare to think like that? That yes I want a biological child but hoping they won't become too much like me? I'm just so aware of my flaws, those that can be inherited or taught. My parents are sad that I got so much shit from them, and in return, I'd be sad if my child would get a lot of shit from me. Everything from bad teeth to mental illness, the list is actually quite endless.
Would it be cruel of me to sort of ignore that though? If I'd let my selfish reasons for having a child come first and then just deal with the rest if that becomes an issue? Would I be an embarrassing parent, by the way? My parents rarely were, although they had their moments too. For some reason, it's like I want to get pregnant for the same reason as my mother had, and it tears me apart, cause I literally hated her for having that reason.
I don't want my child to hate me, for any reason. Although, maybe I could just be more tactful about it than my mother was. I don't know much about my father, or what his reasons were. Despite him living in the same house as my mother, I don't really know him that well. I don't really mind not knowing him, it's just awkward, but I don't know why. (Could be my seriously fucked nightly dreams that's been haunting me since I was about 12, but they can't ruin things so much, can they?)
So mostly I compare myself to my mother, in more aspects than just this. And also because, despite being male like my father (sort of, but you get it) if I'll have a child it would be closer to my mother's experiences and thoughts and feelings about it, if you know what I mean. Because my father obviously didn't carry or conceive me.
I learn to do things on my own, and somehow, even if I had wanted it, I just know I won't get my parents' support on this. They might sigh and help with some of the practical once they realise that they can't talk me out of it, or if it's already "too late" so to say. But they wouldn't emotionally support me or be there to hold my hand. They would likely see it as me getting into yet another mess that they just have to help me through cause who else would?
Yeah, who else would help me through it if not them? I have so much to think about, how can I possibly do it on my own? I mean I can't even discuss with my endocrinologist about stopping testo, or go to a check up at the gyn to see if I even can get pregnant without having my mother drive me there. A whole world of complications just arose before me... sigh. I knew it wasn't gonna be easy, but damn.
I'm so glad that I gave myself even more time to think about it, despite thinking that I was certain. These life-changing decisions sure are exhausting and can I soon be done with such? No, I think everyone is faced with life-changing decisions all one's life, no matter if trans or not. It's just different decisions. Like I've never had to think about career or marriage, but I think about surgeries and parenthood instead. It's a mix of trans-related stuff and non trans-related stuff.
But mostly it is trans-related in some way or another. In a way I'm now glad that I didn't start my transition earlier, I would probably have cried rivers by now if I had had a hysterectomy earlier, like I don't know, years ago when I definitely wanted that. I hated children when I was a child, teenager and into my early 20's. I was repulsed and freaked at the thought of ending up pregnant.
I thought for sure I was never gonna want a child. Although, somewhere in the back of my mind the dream has always been there. Ambivalent, yes, but I wasn't aware of just how ambivalent I was when it came to that.
You might not know this, but back in junior high, when I was 13 years old, I wrote half a book on my first computer about myself that then became about a future me, a possible future that was both good and bad.
In that story, I was a woman (I didn't know I was trans yet) and got married to a guy that I knew in real life, although it was a one way crush fairly similar to my present situation with K (my heart has literally always been completely hopeless). Anyways, in that story I got married to that guy and we had a child together when I had gotten to my early 30's, I think. The child was never conceived before I stopped writing though.
I'm not entirely sure what happened to that story, just that somehow the document broke down and could not be restored, then the whole computer crashed too. So it's completely lost, I can never get to read that story or share it ever again. Completely gone. Anyway, it reminds me that even when I was as young as 13 years old, there was a part of me that wanted a child someday.
But at that age, I had my illusion that if I ever had a child, that child would be a perfect little angel and it was only that kind of child I could ever imagine having. It's a lot different now, of course. Just that knowing that if I ever have a child, or when I do, that child would be perfect in my eyes no matter what a mess they might turn into. With my genes, I can only imagine. Hopefully, they won't be too much like me.
Is it rare to think like that? That yes I want a biological child but hoping they won't become too much like me? I'm just so aware of my flaws, those that can be inherited or taught. My parents are sad that I got so much shit from them, and in return, I'd be sad if my child would get a lot of shit from me. Everything from bad teeth to mental illness, the list is actually quite endless.
Would it be cruel of me to sort of ignore that though? If I'd let my selfish reasons for having a child come first and then just deal with the rest if that becomes an issue? Would I be an embarrassing parent, by the way? My parents rarely were, although they had their moments too. For some reason, it's like I want to get pregnant for the same reason as my mother had, and it tears me apart, cause I literally hated her for having that reason.
I don't want my child to hate me, for any reason. Although, maybe I could just be more tactful about it than my mother was. I don't know much about my father, or what his reasons were. Despite him living in the same house as my mother, I don't really know him that well. I don't really mind not knowing him, it's just awkward, but I don't know why. (Could be my seriously fucked nightly dreams that's been haunting me since I was about 12, but they can't ruin things so much, can they?)
So mostly I compare myself to my mother, in more aspects than just this. And also because, despite being male like my father (sort of, but you get it) if I'll have a child it would be closer to my mother's experiences and thoughts and feelings about it, if you know what I mean. Because my father obviously didn't carry or conceive me.
I learn to do things on my own, and somehow, even if I had wanted it, I just know I won't get my parents' support on this. They might sigh and help with some of the practical once they realise that they can't talk me out of it, or if it's already "too late" so to say. But they wouldn't emotionally support me or be there to hold my hand. They would likely see it as me getting into yet another mess that they just have to help me through cause who else would?
Yeah, who else would help me through it if not them? I have so much to think about, how can I possibly do it on my own? I mean I can't even discuss with my endocrinologist about stopping testo, or go to a check up at the gyn to see if I even can get pregnant without having my mother drive me there. A whole world of complications just arose before me... sigh. I knew it wasn't gonna be easy, but damn.
Wednesday, 25 March 2015
Not able to let go
I've finally decided that I won't do a hysterectomy, and probably not any other form of bottom surgery either. Sure, I still want it, but I just want to have a child first. At least give it a try, I don't know how well my organs work after 3-ish years on testosterone (1 plus almost 2 years) or if they ever worked as intended.
I won't jump onto that immediately though, I still have a lot of practical planning and such to do. Becoming a parent isn't a decision that should be made impulsively. But I know that I want it one day and I'm not gonna rob myself of my ability to have children.
Also, the longer I am on testosterone and the older I get, it will be harder to become pregnant. I also have that on my mind. Although I'm still only 25 years old (for about another month before I turn 26) I am scared of becoming too old for it. Also scared of dying before I ever get that far.
So, in spite of everything, in this moment, I have sort of already decided to have a child sometime in the future. It could be within a year or several years from now. But it's gonna happen. I don't care how unfit I am, I'll make it work somehow. It's really not about passing on my genes, or how to say it, it's just that I'm absolutely certain I won't meet the requirements for adoption. Like ever. I'm trans, not straight, not in a stable relationship with anyone, I'm mentally ill and can't take care of myself. How could I ever be given that option? It's not gonna happen.
So, I know the only way I could ever become a parent is to just bake one in the oven myself. And that I will, eventually, one day. I don't know if it's so much about getting ready for it, I already know that I am. I have thought about it and gotten ready for it for about 2 years, after all. No, it's more about getting ready practically and somehow finding a not so dangerous way of ending up pregnant.
I do plan to raise the kid myself, not gonna look for a decent partner to help me or whatever. I want the kid entirely my own and I just think randomly hooking up with a second father or a mother (that would then adopt) would just complicate things. Although, how can I raise a kid entirely on my own when I can't even take care of myself? Well, that is the biggest question, now isn't it?
I haven't figured out an answer for it, only new questions that I can't answer either. It would be the project of my life, basically. But as much as I know right now is simply this: don't get a hysterectomy, don't poke around there as I need things down there to be perfectly intact. And hope with all my fingers crossed that I am not infertile already. Could possibly test that as well though, by going to gynaecologist, I mean.
Those are the things I can do as of now, I won't just blindly jump into it. I'll try to plan around it as much as I can, but try to somewhat keep my plans secret from my parents. They don't want me reproducing and I know that they don't even like kids. So yeah... they don't want to become grand parents but it's my choice and fuck what they want.
Fuck what anyone else wants, by the way. I'm not doing it traditionally because I've given up on ever getting a decent partner in my life, and somehow, I don't think it would work with K if we ever end up together. If we do, things would probably get more complicated. I don't know, they might get easier too. If he even wants kids, I don't know that either.
I'm trying to leave him out of the picture, making it entirely my decision and that's the way it should be. I don't really care about anything else as of now, I believe things will sort themselves out.
Is it possible that I have some kind of motherly feelings going on only because of how my body is? I mean, it's not exactly common for young men who are tragically single to want a baby. For whatever reasons, I think it's possible that it changes things that I'm not shaped like most of those young men. If it's got something to do with my brain or my reproductive organs, or my upbringing or whatever, I can't really pinpoint it. But I think it's a possibility that my strong wishes for wanting a child one day is related to that my body was originally female and still partially is.
I don't know how much science is behind it, but I've heard about that the brains of transsexuals are possibly of their correct gender, that a ftm would have a male brain and vice versa. But if that is correct, I've always believed that my brain is either entirely female or not gendered at all. I don't think I have a male brain despite being male.
But it could be all bullshit, what do I know. Maybe I don't believe that brains have genders at all. But the mind do, and possibly the soul too. I would never see myself as a mother though, even when I'm carrying my child under my heart, it's a gendered word and I would only accept the words father, dad or parent.
I know of a person, I won't tell his name or anything, but he's also ftm and has given birth to a child post his transition. I know that he managed to get the papers stating him as the father to his child, although there was some hassle around it.
I wouldn't be the only transman to give birth to a child, but certainly one of the first Swedish ones. I hope I won't get too famous for it, I'd still prefer being stealth as much as I possibly could during a pregnancy. Say I have a beer belly or something, haha. Sad that the world just can't let people be.
And in a way I'm suddenly glad that it's 2015 and the times are not as oppressed as they were before. Back to when for example transsexuals were forced to get sterilised to be able to change their gender marker. It's still uncommon, for transmen to have children, but I think I'd get accepted in a way maybe I wouldn't have back 10, 15 or 20 years ago.
Though I do not strive for that sort of fame, I don't want to end up in the newspaper for simply having a child with all my disabilities and what not. People have children literally all the time, I don't want to be made special for it. Perhaps I can avoid it somehow, I don't know. Perhaps I'd be so damn fucking thrilled over having a child that I wouldn't even be bothered by that. How can I know?
My thoughts and feelings are running wild but I try to contain myself, a little. I never really contain myself on this blog, and maybe I just need a place to vent? I haven't been able to really let go of that wanting, for a child, since it first started echoing in my head and heart sometime during the winter/spring of 2013, exactly 2 years ago.
I was still seeing my DBT therapist when I ranted to her about my sudden wish to become a parent. It must have been awkward, but I sort of trusted my therapist back then. Mostly, that wish has lied dormant since then and the thoughts only haunt me sometimes.
I'd stop smoking for a child. I think I actually would, to not harm the little life in me. And of course stop drinking too, but I think that would be easier, it's just a part time addiction and not really important to me. And try to cope with my eating disorder (no starving or purging), aaand of course I'd be scared of the weight gain and try my best to not gain more weight than necessary. To not get like 20 kg extra weight, is what I mean.
Over all, I'd try to be good to myself during a pregnancy. As good as I possibly can and still be able to at least somewhat control my anxiety. A good thing about living on allowance, I could easily skip school whenever for something like that. Just another thought. My thoughts seem to be endless recently, just spinning in my head like whirl winds. But I'll try to stop them for now, again, but I don't know how.
It's just that my longing for children just gets more intense all the time and I know that I will get one eventually. Just one, by the way, I think that's about as much as I can handle, and let's just hope then that I don't get twins...
I wonder so much what it could be like, maybe the only happiness I can ever get in this life. Until social services takes them away from me... yeah, I do realise that is also a possibility. It would wreck my world, but even that thought doesn't keep me from wanting to try for a family.
Okay... long ass entry about me wanting a child in the mess that is my life not long after another baby ranting entry that I made just a couple of days ago or so. But it's what's on my mind and I just really wanted to vent and rant about it.
Also I wanted to inform you that I do plan to plan around it as much as I can and that I'll try to go about it in a decent way somehow. I don't know how or when, but not right now. Definitely not right now! -I try to tell the impatient me that just wants and wants and wants. For crying out loud, it really really shouldn't be impulsive, no matter how fucking much I want it.
I won't jump onto that immediately though, I still have a lot of practical planning and such to do. Becoming a parent isn't a decision that should be made impulsively. But I know that I want it one day and I'm not gonna rob myself of my ability to have children.
Also, the longer I am on testosterone and the older I get, it will be harder to become pregnant. I also have that on my mind. Although I'm still only 25 years old (for about another month before I turn 26) I am scared of becoming too old for it. Also scared of dying before I ever get that far.
So, in spite of everything, in this moment, I have sort of already decided to have a child sometime in the future. It could be within a year or several years from now. But it's gonna happen. I don't care how unfit I am, I'll make it work somehow. It's really not about passing on my genes, or how to say it, it's just that I'm absolutely certain I won't meet the requirements for adoption. Like ever. I'm trans, not straight, not in a stable relationship with anyone, I'm mentally ill and can't take care of myself. How could I ever be given that option? It's not gonna happen.
So, I know the only way I could ever become a parent is to just bake one in the oven myself. And that I will, eventually, one day. I don't know if it's so much about getting ready for it, I already know that I am. I have thought about it and gotten ready for it for about 2 years, after all. No, it's more about getting ready practically and somehow finding a not so dangerous way of ending up pregnant.
I do plan to raise the kid myself, not gonna look for a decent partner to help me or whatever. I want the kid entirely my own and I just think randomly hooking up with a second father or a mother (that would then adopt) would just complicate things. Although, how can I raise a kid entirely on my own when I can't even take care of myself? Well, that is the biggest question, now isn't it?
I haven't figured out an answer for it, only new questions that I can't answer either. It would be the project of my life, basically. But as much as I know right now is simply this: don't get a hysterectomy, don't poke around there as I need things down there to be perfectly intact. And hope with all my fingers crossed that I am not infertile already. Could possibly test that as well though, by going to gynaecologist, I mean.
Those are the things I can do as of now, I won't just blindly jump into it. I'll try to plan around it as much as I can, but try to somewhat keep my plans secret from my parents. They don't want me reproducing and I know that they don't even like kids. So yeah... they don't want to become grand parents but it's my choice and fuck what they want.
Fuck what anyone else wants, by the way. I'm not doing it traditionally because I've given up on ever getting a decent partner in my life, and somehow, I don't think it would work with K if we ever end up together. If we do, things would probably get more complicated. I don't know, they might get easier too. If he even wants kids, I don't know that either.
I'm trying to leave him out of the picture, making it entirely my decision and that's the way it should be. I don't really care about anything else as of now, I believe things will sort themselves out.
Is it possible that I have some kind of motherly feelings going on only because of how my body is? I mean, it's not exactly common for young men who are tragically single to want a baby. For whatever reasons, I think it's possible that it changes things that I'm not shaped like most of those young men. If it's got something to do with my brain or my reproductive organs, or my upbringing or whatever, I can't really pinpoint it. But I think it's a possibility that my strong wishes for wanting a child one day is related to that my body was originally female and still partially is.
I don't know how much science is behind it, but I've heard about that the brains of transsexuals are possibly of their correct gender, that a ftm would have a male brain and vice versa. But if that is correct, I've always believed that my brain is either entirely female or not gendered at all. I don't think I have a male brain despite being male.
But it could be all bullshit, what do I know. Maybe I don't believe that brains have genders at all. But the mind do, and possibly the soul too. I would never see myself as a mother though, even when I'm carrying my child under my heart, it's a gendered word and I would only accept the words father, dad or parent.
I know of a person, I won't tell his name or anything, but he's also ftm and has given birth to a child post his transition. I know that he managed to get the papers stating him as the father to his child, although there was some hassle around it.
I wouldn't be the only transman to give birth to a child, but certainly one of the first Swedish ones. I hope I won't get too famous for it, I'd still prefer being stealth as much as I possibly could during a pregnancy. Say I have a beer belly or something, haha. Sad that the world just can't let people be.
And in a way I'm suddenly glad that it's 2015 and the times are not as oppressed as they were before. Back to when for example transsexuals were forced to get sterilised to be able to change their gender marker. It's still uncommon, for transmen to have children, but I think I'd get accepted in a way maybe I wouldn't have back 10, 15 or 20 years ago.
Though I do not strive for that sort of fame, I don't want to end up in the newspaper for simply having a child with all my disabilities and what not. People have children literally all the time, I don't want to be made special for it. Perhaps I can avoid it somehow, I don't know. Perhaps I'd be so damn fucking thrilled over having a child that I wouldn't even be bothered by that. How can I know?
My thoughts and feelings are running wild but I try to contain myself, a little. I never really contain myself on this blog, and maybe I just need a place to vent? I haven't been able to really let go of that wanting, for a child, since it first started echoing in my head and heart sometime during the winter/spring of 2013, exactly 2 years ago.
I was still seeing my DBT therapist when I ranted to her about my sudden wish to become a parent. It must have been awkward, but I sort of trusted my therapist back then. Mostly, that wish has lied dormant since then and the thoughts only haunt me sometimes.
I'd stop smoking for a child. I think I actually would, to not harm the little life in me. And of course stop drinking too, but I think that would be easier, it's just a part time addiction and not really important to me. And try to cope with my eating disorder (no starving or purging), aaand of course I'd be scared of the weight gain and try my best to not gain more weight than necessary. To not get like 20 kg extra weight, is what I mean.
Over all, I'd try to be good to myself during a pregnancy. As good as I possibly can and still be able to at least somewhat control my anxiety. A good thing about living on allowance, I could easily skip school whenever for something like that. Just another thought. My thoughts seem to be endless recently, just spinning in my head like whirl winds. But I'll try to stop them for now, again, but I don't know how.
It's just that my longing for children just gets more intense all the time and I know that I will get one eventually. Just one, by the way, I think that's about as much as I can handle, and let's just hope then that I don't get twins...
I wonder so much what it could be like, maybe the only happiness I can ever get in this life. Until social services takes them away from me... yeah, I do realise that is also a possibility. It would wreck my world, but even that thought doesn't keep me from wanting to try for a family.
Okay... long ass entry about me wanting a child in the mess that is my life not long after another baby ranting entry that I made just a couple of days ago or so. But it's what's on my mind and I just really wanted to vent and rant about it.
Also I wanted to inform you that I do plan to plan around it as much as I can and that I'll try to go about it in a decent way somehow. I don't know how or when, but not right now. Definitely not right now! -I try to tell the impatient me that just wants and wants and wants. For crying out loud, it really really shouldn't be impulsive, no matter how fucking much I want it.
Monday, 23 March 2015
Chasing fears
I'm turning 27 in a little more than a year and I fear it like nothing else. I know that I won't turn 28 and 27 will be my last birthday. I will probably celebrate it with tears. That's how much I believe in that stupid prophecy, that's how strong my stupid beliefs are. They might not be true, but I believe them blindly. Although I want to doubt, cause I want to turn 28 and 29 and so on. But I'm just so damn certain that I won't.
And as that particular birthday gets closer, I just want to make things right again. Moving back to the city I can call my home would be a good thing. Meet up with my friends again and that time I'll stay. Have a big party or something. Just be alive for as long as I possibly can. Shit, it feels like I'm really dying, like I'm dying from a terminal disease or something. Just counting the days, and there are less than 753 days left.
My pathetic life is running away from me like sand between my fingers. I try to catch it but I can't. I can't believe that my 27th birthday is coming in so close now, it felt so far into the future just a heartbeat ago. But oh, my perfect age really does deceive me. And my mortal fear will be my cause of death. It's all so ironical I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
So I just need to hurry the fuck up with living my life. Desperately try to finish my book and hopefully I can get it published within this year or at least the beginning of the next. Move back to Uppsala again and regret ever moving to Gotland and spending 3 or 4 shitty and useless years on this island. Hopefully get some cash for my book so that I can get another tattoo or several. Get more piercings. Get thin, get fit.
I have so much to do how the hell am I possibly gonna pack that into less than two years?! Should I get a child when I'm at it too? I've wanted that for some time now, but always thought I'd be unfit for a parent, but oh boy I'd be very unfit if I'm dead. Can't just bring a child to the world without rhyme or reason to then leave it parentless.
Like it would have one dead biological father and another completely unknown father somewhere in the country that I just happened to hook up with for that reason alone. Trying to make myself stop thinking about children but I haven't really been able to for the last two or so years. Hesitating to do SRS solely because of that reason, but I'd be unfit, unfit, unfit.
I'm a mess and can't even take care of myself, I have fucked up morals that I'd be passing on and then we shouldn't even begin to talk about the genes I'd pass on. It would be cruel, and that poor child would probably have a worse upbringing than the one I had. That's not right and I know my reasons for wanting a baby are purely selfish and I hated my parents for their selfish reasons to have me, their first child.
But I can't get it out of my fucked up head, I just want a frigging baby. Unconditional love the only way that it can be right. To maybe finally be able to heal my broken heart. No never be lonely, to always love that child no matter what becomes of them. To just hold that new born child, knowing that I'd do anything I possibly can and more to give them a decent life; I still don't think I could ever give them more than just that though, a decent life.
I don't even know how it could possibly work out practically, if I do decide to go for it, and if I even can have children. Like how about LSS, would they possibly help me me with the practical and can I even live in LSS with a baby? What about my financial situation? I'm living on allowance, could it possibly be increased/raised if I'm suddenly paying everything for two? And my parents would hate me for giving them even more responsibilities.
Alas, it is a thought I have not been able to let go of, and as you can probably tell, I've thought about it quite a lot. And why should I deprive myself of my right to have children, only because I'm not as capable as most people are? It is my right, my choice and no one can take it away from me. If I decide to go for it, maybe in a year or so, and hopefully being slightly more independent and living in Uppsala, away from my parents.
Simply, I don't want them interfering with it. I don't want them to possibly, basically taking my child away from me and raise them themselves because I'm certain they don't think I'd be fit for a parent either. I am almost certain that they would try to take them away from me. And I wouldn't be able to handle that. Would anyone?
I have classmate whom I am almost considering a friend by now. She has 3 children whom was taken away from her and placed in foster care. I don't want that happening to me but I see the possibility of that happening. Because of how bad I am at taking care of myself, my complete lack of knowledge about children and child care, money problems, anything really. Society simply doesn't want people like me reproducing.
I stray from the topic all the time and this becomes quite a wall of text, but I don't care, I just need to ventilate all this. It all comes down to my fear of dying before 28 and if I want a frigging child before I die, I should hurry up with that cause those take 9 months to make. And the thing is, even if I don't die, I don't think having a child would be something that I'd regret. It would definitely make my life harder, but I believe, in spite of everything, that it would give me a pretty damn good reason to live.
I haven't yet decided, I should plan more first. Not just get there without all that knowledge that I currently lack. But other things keep getting in the way, like mental problems, school and what not. And those things will keep getting in the way, at least my mental problems.
I just really have to ask myself if I truly think I could care for a child the way things are like right now and always been like. That's what it all comes down to, cause I won't get cured or drastically better, and a child can't change who I am as a person.
Of all the things I want to do before I die, this, about becoming a parent, surely stings the hardest. It's one of the hardest decisions I've ever tried to make and it won't get any easier as time passes and I get older. If I get older, that is. There are so many things to think about and consider and reconsider. I'm not a perfect, straight, cis-male with a healthy mind and background. It's so much more complicated. I know what I want, I just don't know if I can have it.
And as that particular birthday gets closer, I just want to make things right again. Moving back to the city I can call my home would be a good thing. Meet up with my friends again and that time I'll stay. Have a big party or something. Just be alive for as long as I possibly can. Shit, it feels like I'm really dying, like I'm dying from a terminal disease or something. Just counting the days, and there are less than 753 days left.
My pathetic life is running away from me like sand between my fingers. I try to catch it but I can't. I can't believe that my 27th birthday is coming in so close now, it felt so far into the future just a heartbeat ago. But oh, my perfect age really does deceive me. And my mortal fear will be my cause of death. It's all so ironical I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
So I just need to hurry the fuck up with living my life. Desperately try to finish my book and hopefully I can get it published within this year or at least the beginning of the next. Move back to Uppsala again and regret ever moving to Gotland and spending 3 or 4 shitty and useless years on this island. Hopefully get some cash for my book so that I can get another tattoo or several. Get more piercings. Get thin, get fit.
I have so much to do how the hell am I possibly gonna pack that into less than two years?! Should I get a child when I'm at it too? I've wanted that for some time now, but always thought I'd be unfit for a parent, but oh boy I'd be very unfit if I'm dead. Can't just bring a child to the world without rhyme or reason to then leave it parentless.
Like it would have one dead biological father and another completely unknown father somewhere in the country that I just happened to hook up with for that reason alone. Trying to make myself stop thinking about children but I haven't really been able to for the last two or so years. Hesitating to do SRS solely because of that reason, but I'd be unfit, unfit, unfit.
I'm a mess and can't even take care of myself, I have fucked up morals that I'd be passing on and then we shouldn't even begin to talk about the genes I'd pass on. It would be cruel, and that poor child would probably have a worse upbringing than the one I had. That's not right and I know my reasons for wanting a baby are purely selfish and I hated my parents for their selfish reasons to have me, their first child.
But I can't get it out of my fucked up head, I just want a frigging baby. Unconditional love the only way that it can be right. To maybe finally be able to heal my broken heart. No never be lonely, to always love that child no matter what becomes of them. To just hold that new born child, knowing that I'd do anything I possibly can and more to give them a decent life; I still don't think I could ever give them more than just that though, a decent life.
I don't even know how it could possibly work out practically, if I do decide to go for it, and if I even can have children. Like how about LSS, would they possibly help me me with the practical and can I even live in LSS with a baby? What about my financial situation? I'm living on allowance, could it possibly be increased/raised if I'm suddenly paying everything for two? And my parents would hate me for giving them even more responsibilities.
Alas, it is a thought I have not been able to let go of, and as you can probably tell, I've thought about it quite a lot. And why should I deprive myself of my right to have children, only because I'm not as capable as most people are? It is my right, my choice and no one can take it away from me. If I decide to go for it, maybe in a year or so, and hopefully being slightly more independent and living in Uppsala, away from my parents.
Simply, I don't want them interfering with it. I don't want them to possibly, basically taking my child away from me and raise them themselves because I'm certain they don't think I'd be fit for a parent either. I am almost certain that they would try to take them away from me. And I wouldn't be able to handle that. Would anyone?
I have classmate whom I am almost considering a friend by now. She has 3 children whom was taken away from her and placed in foster care. I don't want that happening to me but I see the possibility of that happening. Because of how bad I am at taking care of myself, my complete lack of knowledge about children and child care, money problems, anything really. Society simply doesn't want people like me reproducing.
I stray from the topic all the time and this becomes quite a wall of text, but I don't care, I just need to ventilate all this. It all comes down to my fear of dying before 28 and if I want a frigging child before I die, I should hurry up with that cause those take 9 months to make. And the thing is, even if I don't die, I don't think having a child would be something that I'd regret. It would definitely make my life harder, but I believe, in spite of everything, that it would give me a pretty damn good reason to live.
I haven't yet decided, I should plan more first. Not just get there without all that knowledge that I currently lack. But other things keep getting in the way, like mental problems, school and what not. And those things will keep getting in the way, at least my mental problems.
I just really have to ask myself if I truly think I could care for a child the way things are like right now and always been like. That's what it all comes down to, cause I won't get cured or drastically better, and a child can't change who I am as a person.
Of all the things I want to do before I die, this, about becoming a parent, surely stings the hardest. It's one of the hardest decisions I've ever tried to make and it won't get any easier as time passes and I get older. If I get older, that is. There are so many things to think about and consider and reconsider. I'm not a perfect, straight, cis-male with a healthy mind and background. It's so much more complicated. I know what I want, I just don't know if I can have it.
Thursday, 10 October 2013
Thoughts on parenthood
I believe I’m still sort of considering having a child one day. I
don't really talk much about it. Like I somehow think I have no
right to have one. There are so many mixed feelings around that
topic for me. Hopefulness, love, fear, insecurity, comfort, doubts.
Would I be able to provide for a child when I can just barely take
care of myself? How the hell would I afford it? Would I become a
horrible parent? Would my child inherit a lot of not so desirable
things from me? Would I bring it up myself or with a partner? Would
it become a burden for my parents, who basically hate kids? They'd
frigging hate me if I would one day tell them I’m gonna be a
father. I can't even imagine how angry they'd be, but
somewhere around furious I take it.
Still, it should be my choice. And now society is moving
forward with the transsexuals becoming parents issue. I believe I
have good reasons to want a child, but I’m also smart enough
to realise the complications around that. My life situation isn't
exactly optional, and even though I think I could get some sort of
allowance from Försäkringskassan in a situation like that, if I
still can't hold a job by that time, or would be a single parent and
therefor wouldn't have time for a job. But I’m seriously way
too messed up for such a full-time job as caring for a baby is.
My random fear right now is that if I’m gonna wait til I get
better, that waiting could become too long. I’m quite young now,
but I think it would probably not happen in the nearest five or ten
years. And seriously, I want a kid now, not in seven years!
Okay, back to reality. These thoughts are haunting me, and I’m
scared that if there will ever be a time for parenthood in my
life, it will be too damn late. I would be too old and testosterone
would have fried my female parts. Perhaps there could be some middle
ground though, that in a few years, say three or four, if I’m in
better shape then than I am now, then I can squeeze one out. I
suppose that is a reasonable plan, if I could hold my horses for that
long, that is.
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