In my perception

Just drank a cup of extra strong coffee (seriously super strong) and my heart is beating its way out of my chest, I’m sweating, dizzy and my stomach hurts. Great job, excellent idea! What the hell was I thinking?! I’m lost inside my thoughts and scared of falling asleep. Just wanted to stay awake. I can't go to sleep unfinished, but I never get finished nowadays. My insides are eating me from within. I don't know what this is. I'm lovesick, so I stopped eating and sleeping. Which caused me to hallucinate, get scared of sleeping and completely lose my appetite. The forced upon me insomnia became a chase controlled by caffeine. My imploding mind scared me and now I can't stop thinking about the things I’ve seen that wasn't real. One thing always leads to another, but I won't know where it leads me until I’m there. It scares me and thrills me.

This is exactly the kind of moments I should start gnawing on those Zyprexa pills. Need to tell my mother to bring me more of those, they will be much needed and appreciated. What would I do without tiny little pills with unpronounceable ingredients, to make my inner monsters go away? I’d be dead by now, but I wonder since how long? Not that long, I think, a couple of years or so. I still sometimes think that I actually am dead. Just haven't realised it yet. That I’m a ghost, still hanging around in the world of the living without realising I’m not alive anymore. That thought scares me, that I could be stuck in some sort of limbo. Limbos always scare me, I’ve been in a few. You feel so lost, hopeless and helpless then. Like there's literally nothing you can do, someone else is holding your life in their hands, you're left with two options which each will shatter your world and there is no third option. Of course matters can be resolved, cause they did for me, but I that moment you're so very vulnerable. And I think I am in one right now.

I believe in too much, I believe in everything. Well, not blindly, but yeah, I do think there's a possibility for absolutely everything to be real. Dragons, God, conspiracy theories, other dimensions, time travel, aliens, heaven and hell, reincarnation, demons and angels, luck, curses, magic, spirits or ghosts, telepathy, and oh damn this is my illness talking... I just watched an episode of the fairly new tv-show “Perception” about a Schizophrenic neurologist who sometimes works for the FBI. If anyone remember or have seen the show “Will & Grace” - it is he in the lead role. Anyways, in this episode that I just watched he had found some clinic to help a girl get rid of her OCD, a cure (which was obviously fake by the way, that's the annoying thing about this show. If you have any clue about mental illness and treatments for them, you'll notice there's a lot of shit the creators have made up. Also there was an episode based on a known case of teenage girls getting tics after having some sort of surgery, but in this episode it was about a murder. That annoyed me cause they changed a real story to something incredibly stupid...) Where was I? Yes, he said at the end of the episode that “if there's a cure for one mental illness, there will be cures for others in the future”.

I was close to tears when I thought of that. That a cure would be nice. For whatever it is that I have. Asperger is the only diagnose I know is real. Or no, sometimes I doubt that too. Cause it just doesn't fit with all the other shit. And the likeness between Asperger Syndrome and Schizophrenia is striking. I could have the other and neither Asperger or Borderline. I could have only Asperger and something else altogether that's causing my hallucinations and all the other signs of Schizophrenia... No, who am I kidding, it's spot on. I wish it wasn't, but I can't deny the hell I’m living or my obsessive compulsive psycho-analysis on myself. But I’ve reached the end now, haven't I? This is it, I won't come any closer to the truth. Unless... I should buy some books about it! I might not be able to get in to a psychology class, but I could at least do some research on my own.

Oh my god, pills now! There, taken. I took them last night too, two pills that dissolves in my mouth. They're pretty effective, which is amazing, since hardly anything works on my anxiety. Except for strong benzo and no sane doctor will give me that. Pricks! Well, okay I’d probably OD on them if I had some, but still! Zyprexa is actually an antipsychotic, which I think is very good since I’m closer to paranoia and hallucinations triggering each other, rather than an actual anxiety attack.

Okay, that's enough for now. I’ll give you an update or something when the pills have kicked in. Meanwhile I’m listening to “Schizophrenia” by Funker Vogt on repeat. Just freaking love that song! Too bad I can't hear what is sung in it, and lyrics are nowhere to be found...

I'm praying to the Devil again... feels like I’ve done that a lot lately. Some things he can help me with, others he can't. I just don't really know which, so I’m praying either way. If I was a Christian and prayed to their god, everyone would be all cheerful and say “oh my god, that's so good!” or something. Well, my god isn't so bad either! He's just been judged and hated for going his own way and saying “fuck that shit” when others try to strap him down. It's not so strange why I’m drawn to him.