Between living and dying

I'm not technically suicidal, but I don't know really what I am. Is my life worth living? No, but I just don't care about that. Live or die, who gives a fuck? If it was a term for it, maybe I’m passive-apathetically suicidal. That I wouldn't be upset but rather welcome it if I would die today, but I won't and that's fine with me. I don't try suicide, I just don't try living. I'm somewhere between living and dying. Let's keep it that way. It's better than actually being suicidal.

I’m starting to get a little better, I think. Was only up for 20 something hours until last night, fell asleep and slept heavily for 24 hours. Got seven missed calls from the crew this morning when they tried to reach me, and I just slept it through. And I’m eating again, or well at least one normal meal a day. Still gulping coffee like an obsessed and cutting just as much. Not so much hallucinations lately, just vague things flickering in the corner of my eye, and my vision is acting weird in another way. I lose focus completely sometimes, everything gets blurry and my eyes move like some sort of awake REM-thing going on, but just for a few seconds.

So I’m obviously not fine by far, just a little less of a mess. When did this start? I can't remember the date. A day or two after I fixed my hair, was that Thursday? Well, it didn't “just start” but I think it was after that I was awake for 40 hours or whatever how long it was. It seems I have some sort of two days limit when it comes to how long I can stay awake for. After that I have to push it, and don't ask me why I’d wanna do that. I just get weird ideas every now and then for no reason. Sometimes it really is that simple: There is no reason behind it. I'm like: “I have an awesome idea!” and then Anna says with a sigh: “Why would you wanna do that for?” and I'm like: “I have no idea!”

It's the same with my cutting. People often ask me what triggers me or why I do it. Not altogether, but why this laceration, why this moment? I don't usually know what that supposed trigger is. For some reason I just get the idea into my head and then I do it. It's a little like when you want to have candy. You don't really need a trigger or a specific reason to have a sudden craving for candy, it just comes to you.