Escaping

I'm scrolling down through several hundred tumblr posts to find his posts that doesn't appear on his page for some reason. Wow, I must be really obsessed... but if I got an answer post, shouldn't it show up in my inbox? I don't know, better safe than sorry I guess.

I managed to get rid of most of my headache, thanks to some Aspirin. Feels like I’m just waiting for the morning to come, so I won't be stuck bored with nothing to do, just wanting to keep crafting or even just redo a waistcoat to a three piece suit I found second hand. Or to just take walk, have a reason to shower, wear make up and dressing up nice. I’m trying to get used to wearing make up again.

I’m listening to songs about suicide, feeling lonely and broken. Maybe it would be nice to just jump and fall free? It's the closest I'd ever get to flying. I’m trying not to think that way, and maybe this is just a fantasy, a mind game to see if I could really do it someday. Testing myself. I’m doing that from time to time. Isn't it sad that I find “suicide” to be one of the most beautiful English words? The most beautiful word being “sovereign” which is almost its opposite, meaning “confident” or “governor”.

Alright, time has passed to forenoon and I’m off for some shopping. I must have miscalculated when I wrote that it was 33 hours to the appointment with my psychiatrist on Wednesday. It was actually 57 hours, with 48 hours remaining. That might be harder than I expected to stay up for, but it feels like I really don't have much other choice than to do so. Good thing I’ve written a list of everything I intend to say at the meeting, so I don't really need to be sharp as a knife, so to speak.

Found this amazing, beautiful song by Radiohead called “How to disappear completely” and I dream away to someplace else while listening to it. I see endless fields of red sand and dead plants, sand swirling in the wind, a few naked trees in the distance, a clear blue sky. No living creature anywhere to be seen. I want to be there, just sitting on a rock warm in the sun, feeling the wind on my face. So far from civilisation, my own miserable life, everything. I really like that I’m so good at visualisation, even imagining what warm winds and sand in my face could feel like, what it would smell like, even though I’ve never been to such a place. Not in the real world at least, just in my dreams and imagination. Maybe that is why I’m good at drawing and writing? Cause I can see and sense things so clearly in my head, I mean.

I collect “happy places”, imaginary places where I go to relax or escape from something in the real world. Whether it be an anxiety attack, a quarrel, on the verge on dissociation or just stressed out. My favourite is a meadow, a green field with white, blue, pink and purple flowers; a surrounding forest on both sides, a clear blue sky with little white clouds and a calming breeze. Sometimes I just stand there on the field, other times I lie down or run around.

Sometimes I run to the end of the field, a few hundred metres or so the meadow ends and there's a cliff. Not a steep one, but gently leaning towards a small beach. It's a little tricky climbing down the boulders and rocks to the light yellow sand leading to a calm ocean. I have only once or twice bathed in that imaginary ocean, I only ever go that far when I’m in a very difficult situation and very much need to calm down and relax, or literally need to escape but can't. I think I created this place two or three years ago, so I know it quite well.

I feel strange, like distant. Maybe I'm still in that desert.