Desperate

Oh my god, my heart is killing me... I don't know what to say. It's racing like crazy and my stomach is twisting like it's tying a knot around itself. I just miss him so much and I keep waiting for him to send me a message, and as soon as I get a notification of any kind I think it's him, but it never is. Of course it isn't. Stupid fool, blinded by love.

And then there's this anxiety shit revolving around the idea of me going to sleep as soon as possible. That can also be related to my erratic heartbeats. And that I've had a liiiittle too much caffeine today. My throat feels swollen and irritated by all the smoking today. I'm so tired I can't think, only the emotions are overwhelming, hindering me from taking additional sleeping pills or moving in the direction towards my bed.

What the hell am I gonna do about this? I'm running out of options. And don't say try harder or "just" stop OD'ing on caffeine way too late into the night. I'm desperate to escape sleep, and therefore do anything and everything to stay awake. At the same time I'm just as desperate to get rid of this phobia, and do anything and everything to be able to go to sleep. Caffeine plus Imovane is a bad combo...

Such a complicated dilemma, an aporia that I just can't solve by will alone. Cause really, that is all it takes, when you think about it. And it's a heavy burden. Total ambivalence. I can overdose on sleeping pills to force myself into sleep, but I can't overcome the fear itself by doing so, and my will power just isn't strong enough.