Entangled emotions

The tiredness is coming to me again. It's only been 18 hours, it's not that long. But my body is getting weaker everyday. I get that chilly feeling in my body, like being too cold and too warm and the same time. Like if you had been running around and stressing for hours without rest and then finally get five minutes to catch your breath. Or waking up really early a winter morning and clasping your hands tightly around a hot, steamy teacup. It's a vague feeling I can't really put into words. Weak, stressed, exhausted, almost feverish. Sometimes even close to delirium.

That's my body's way of complaining. Yeah, I’m not done yet. We'll just have to see for how long this will go on. Hey, I was like this for almost 6 months back in 2010, and I (barely) survived that! And I don't drink now, or go to School, so my survival rate is a bit higher this time.

I’ll let you in on a little secret though, I’ve been collecting pills in a special box on my desk. A small, octagon shaped, metal box with a German brand for pins made for sewing. The pills are my own and completely legal, so no worries there. Lergigan, Mitrazapin, Lamotrigin and some stuff I’m not entirely sure what it is. I don't know exactly what I’m saving them for. Some sort of overdose I suppose, or maybe I just didn't wanna take them and kept them instead of throwing them away. That it's “good to have”, whatever that means.

If it will be overdose, it will most likely just be a self harm thing. When I get tired of being awake in this miserable world and just want a little rest. I’ve done that quite a few times, sort of a halfway-suicide when I take an overdose of a quantity I know won't kill me, but I’d get a little nap and I’d be glad if I didn't have to wake up again. Just in case it would for some reason be fatal, death would merely be a bonus. I’m kinda pathetic that way, and scaring the shit out of everyone who cares about me, when I swallow down a toxic amount of pills just because I “want a little nap”

No I don't think I’ll be napping for a while now, not those heavily intoxicated naps anyways. Just the usual, medicated ones. Though the ever so lingering thoughts of suicide will always have a special place in my heart. Something I fear, yet romanticise and fantasise about, long for, hate and feel sick about. Love, fear, anger, resentment, joy, all of the major human emotions. Me and Self Inflicted Death have a chaotic, toxic relationship. It will always be that way, and I can never know before hand know when my abusive partner SID will hit me in the face and force me off the edge again. Or for that matter, reach out to me as a comfort and a saviour in times of crisis. Well that's some fucked up way of dealing with crisis, don't you agree?

My mind is on overdrive but my body is practically dead. Totally out of synchronicity with each other, and I strongly believe that this is why I can't sleep or eat barely anything at all these days. My mind never shuts off. It just keeps on going and going and going until my body finally gives. But what do I do about it? Not much, let my mind control my miserable life. But the thing is, even if I was to listen to what my body wants, it still wouldn't be that much of a difference. I don't understand its language. I wouldn't say that I’m trying my best, cause that would be lying, wouldn't it? I'm saying “Fuck this shit, I'll do what the fuck I want!” and that's the truth.