Tourniquet

Found a piece of gypsum outside my apartment. Its sharp edges made me think of using it for self harm, but then Anna told me that's a bad idea. A really, really bad idea. That I don't want to have traces of gypsum under my skin, with whatever dirt might be on it as well. Sometimes it's good that I have her, like when she gives me good reasons to why I shouldn't do bad things.

Think I've just sunken to a new level, looking up pro-self harm websites and figuring out words and quotes to cut into my skin. Just did "Lovesick" on my right arm yesterday, and damn it feels weirdly creepy to cut through the scar tissue! It's sort of rugged and numb and makes the new cuts across the old scars uneven. And I can't feel if I'm going too deep. I didn't though, looks fine.

I feel like such a mess. I'm mostly okay during the days, but when night falls I lose myself in this self destructive chaos riddled with anxiety, pills and blood. At least I don't drink, right? That ain't saying much since there are about a million other ways to fuck up ones life. My arms never heal, I just put on new tourniquets on new wounds everyday. Some take a little longer than a day to close up, but mostly I'm more or less just moving around the bandage.

I feel so damn pathetic. Can't hack it without a razor blade in my wallet everywhere I go? Ended up googling to see if there are any others that thought of their smoking habits as a form of self harm, and not so surprisingly there are. No I didn't actually think I was the only one. The only times I start thinking I'm the one unlucky bastard in the whole west world with something, is when there isn't even a name for what I have.

I can get desperate when that occurs, frenetically searching online thinking "there's gotta be someone else! There's gotta be! Someone?! Anyone...?" So I do realise I can't literally be the only one with whatever particular quirk, but some things are a bit more rare. Rare enough to not show up in a search engine, cause the few who has it aren't flaunting it on the internet.

At least I know cutting is something I have in common with many others, especially in my generation and the generations close to mine. Why is that good? Well, except from the "misery loves company" aspect, it helps cause people in general will be more understanding and to some degree even accepting it in society. And who knows, maybe the psychiatry can someday figure out how to treat us, the self harmer's. Now all they do is either giving up (like in my case) and let you do whatever the fuck you want with yourself and your arms - or they lock you up in a ward for crazy inmates if your self harm is severe enough and they can't help you stop.

What they do to you in a locked ward I don't know. I only know of one person who was sent there for that reason alone, and I haven't heard a word of what happened to her after that. It shocked me quite frankly, that they sent her there without a word. Me and the other patients at the ward basically had to bribe the caretakers to tell us what had happened.

So yeah, it's completely out of the doctors' hands. They have no clue what so ever how to deal with patients who self harm. It's a quite unique addiction, cause you can't take away the drug from the user. DBT didn't work for me for that reason. Basically, that was the reason why it didn't work for me. I was, and I still am, torn between wanting to stop and wanting to continue cutting. Knowing there's nothing as effective, and their idea of how to help you stop sounded like complete bollocks to me. So I wasn't able to follow the therapy system/rules and deteriorated from bad to worse within a few of months, and that was when and why I had to stop that form of therapy.

An unnecessarily long entry about self harm, but I just wanted to get it out of me. So that maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to put down the razor blade for a few minutes and start doing something creative as opposed to destructive.