Afraid to sleep

I'm starting to wonder if I might have developed some sort of hypnophobia, or somniphobia. It's not that I can't fall asleep, it's something else... I deliberately keep myself awake, though I don't really want to, I drink insane amounts of caffeine, and I slip my sleeping meds. I'm afraid of sleeping, and of falling asleep. It's hard to say why, but mostly I think it's because of the loss of control cause I can't control how long I’m gonna be asleep for. I don't just hate it when I sleep for 24 hours straight, it feels I’m being trapped. That I can't get up no matter what I do. Also nightmares and night terrors aren't so cozy looking forward to... Yeah, I just keep finding new depths of everything. I had this back in June as well, but it got sorted out at the psych-ward when they pumped me full of sleeping meds. Apparently the problem wasn't completely solved. But did my lovesickness trigger this hypnophobia or are they entirely unrelated?

How will I get a better sleeping pattern if I won't even take my sedatives? I'm frigging sitting here with a horrible stomachache, slight nausea, headache and I’m so fucking exhausted but keep gulping energy drinks and watching horror movies to keep myself awake. For some reason this has taken the upper hand now, and it's causing a distress I haven't been able to put my finger on until now. It's got it's own little file in my mind somehow. Jeez... I don't know what to do with this! If I get admitted again the same thing will happen again: they'll stuff me full with pills and force me to bed at night for a week or so, and they I’ll get back to this. Cause they can't medicate my fear away. Wonder if Adelina is still there, by the way?

No, not the time to think about girls. Or any other wonderful people I’m a nobody to. Or anyone else for that matter. Fuck, I’m over her anyway, barely even knew her. I’ve only got eyes for one person and he's not here. And maybe I should just get admitted again? I’m not suicidal but I think I could qualify for a few days rest there or something. It's not like they even provide suicide watch there. Stupid morons. Wonder how many completed suicides happened there! It was like they took for granted you would surrender yourself blindly to their care by coming there as suicidal. Hello? Did anyone there have a medical education?! Suicidal people can't think straight, they're blinding themselves with massive feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness and all the other lessnesses! That's why you go there, cause you need someone else to save you from yourself!

Okay, enough about that. I’m not suicidal, I just forgot how to survive. They say the summer is over now, but mine isn't. If I keep saying this is an awful summer, can't the autumn just wait until I get a little better? So that I won't have to say it's been awful summer and autumn? Cause that is too long, two seasons awfulness is just too damn much.