Wrapped up in myself

My nightly dreams are so sweet and romantic as of lately, that they are a cruel joke. They taunt me and my love haunts me in them. I've been hesitating to write more about him in this blog, not sure what to say when I don't wanna say too much, or too little. He's been on my mind a lot more since the last week, and I know why. It's like I can't let go. I cling to a memory, repeating it over and over and keep analysing every little detail of what I can remember. Believe it or not, I'm even more obsessed now than ever.

There's been so much on my mind lately, and I suppose that's why I've been cutting like crazy. All of it just increased sevenfold within a few days and I got from not cutting at all, rarely taking anxiolytic drugs and not being psychotic - to cutting several, multiple times a day, constantly popping pills and drifting in and out of psychosis faster than I can say "pyjamas".

Of course I don't regret going to Uppsala, it's the best thing that's happened in over a year! Yet, yes it had it's downsides as well... I knew I was in pretty bad shape when I went, so I expected to reach a new peak or two, so I did have that in mind when I decided to go for it. But some things I didn't expect. Like... that I would meet him.

And I can just say that my feelings are confirmed, to say the least. He is real, and I'm not in love with an imaginary person, unless I hallucinated away half a weekend. Before, it was only written words, music and pictures that my obsession revolved around. Now it's so much more. I believe that is why I can't stop my mind from racing haywire night and day. Now I'm addicted to his smile, drowning in his eyes, obsessed about his personality and wrapped tightly around his heart.

A lot has been going on. My hypnophobia is as bad as ever, it still takes from 3 to 5 or even up to 8 hours to fall asleep. It usually goes like this:
1) Have minor anxiety until I take Lergigan and Mirtazapine as usual at ten in the evening/night.
2) Have moderate anxiety leading to a few cuts on my arms and an Imovane until around three in the morning.
3) Have major anxiety leading to more cuts, Zyprexa, a second Imovane and music on the loudest possible volume at somewhere between four and eight in the morning.
4) Eventually crashing from exhaustion between five and nine in the morning.

Every god damned night, it has been this way, for over a month now. A part of me just wanna give up, trying to stay awake forever instead of trying to sleep, as I did before. I don't know how to deal with this, and it's not going away, no matter what I do. I turn every room I ever sleep in into a place of anxiety and hopelessness. This fear... it's so irrational and stupid. Why do I have to have an irrational and stupid fear of something so simple and necessary!?

And then this psychosis thing that's been going on as well... Self harm, Schizophrenia, hypnophobia, suicide and my love are things that never really leave my mind. These two weeks those have all attacked me at once, taunting and haunting me. I can't think clear, everything is up side down and inside out no matter how I twist and turn it. It's been a lot of that lately, I don't "shift" between focusing on one thing and the next moment I think about something else. Now it's allover the place and confusing the hell out of me. Noticed that when I was at a meeting with a doctor who will help me quit smoking, and she asked me what mental problems I have. I couldn't think of anything!

How thinking about everything can lead you to at the same time think about nothing. Total space blank. The music, the screams, the laughter and the cries, the small talk and the big conversations turns into white noise. Blue, black, white, green, red and yellow turns into a grey-brown mass. So there I was, so wrapped up in a million thoughts that I couldn't think about anything at all.