Highs and lows

I've been smiling continuously for like five minutes now. It's strange and it hurts my cheeks, but in a good way. I even took a picture just to see what my genuine smile looks like. Not quite like the fake, glued on smiles one usually makes for the camera. I like the way my teeth look! Except they're a little yellow now from all the smoking. I don't really like “perfect” teeth and I’m glad the braces I wore for two years didn't give me a Pepsodent tooth paste commercial smile. Where's the charm in that?

What do I have to grin about by the way? It's starting to really hurt my face now, and I’ve passed on to giggling as well. What's in that energy drink?! Did someone drop dope in it or what? Is it about something positive or is it sarcastic? A wide snarl to tell myself I can face my inner darkness and chaotic lifestyle and punch it to the ground, perhaps.

And so suddenly the amusement was replaced by sadness. For no apparent reason. What's up with me today? I probably should eat something, but I’d rather have another cigarette. I really hoped I would finish my little crafting project today, but the sewing machine needle broke so now I can't finish it. I just won't do it by hand, it's so tedious and I always end up stabbing myself in my fingers all the time. Sure it's annoying the first five times... though I’ve learned to ignore such pain and just keep on. I feel handicapped with a patch or thimble, so it's easier to just lick up the blood ignore the pounding pain. Distraction.

Now I'm smiling again. What the fuck?! I'll tell you, it's gotta be this sleep deprivation leaving strange marks in my mind. Like little unexplainable dots of confusion. Fucking up my emotions by poking the wrong neurons or something. Ugh, what do I know about neurology anyway? Less than I would want to know. I wanna know a lot about psychology and human behaviour, and even neurology cause it's so closely related to them. It fascinates me, cause there is so much to learn about it, so much which haven't even been discovered yet. An issue that will never ever bore me. There are so few of those things in this world to me. I don't know if this interest of mine has got to do with my interest for human beings or just my undying interest for understanding my own fucking brain.

Nonetheless, I believe it could be a healthy obsession, if I one day will be able to complete my gymnasium grades and get accepted to a really cool university program involving behavioural science, neurology or psychology, or possibly all three! 

Middle landing on apathy...