Fixing what's broken

I fell asleep tonight, after accidentally taking my sleeping pills. I always otherwise select and put them away first, but this time I forgot to think and downed them with the rest of my evening cocktail. I got so bad anxiety after I realised I couldn't keep myself awake after that, no matter what I tried. I screamed inside, my heart beating so fast, I was breathing so fast, the feeling of helplessness so incredibly strong. It felt like I was gonna die if I allowed myself to go to sleep. I had only been awake for 52 hours, and I won't let that happen again.

I feel sick in my soul after having sleeping that long, it's like even my body rejects it. My head is killing me, my back aches and my stomach is tense. Now I’m drinking tea, smoking and sniffing nail polish in an attempt to awaken myself. The nail polish just makes me dizzy though. I hate this so much! I hate waking up a lot more than I hate being awake at days on a row! And I hated admitting defeat and lying down in my bed. I just wish I never had to sleep, ever again.

I feel broken. Like something has shattered within me and its sharp scattered edges cuts me up inside. I don't know if it's some form of anxiety, or just plain old self hatred. Whatever it is, it's unpleasant. Hoping that listening to The 69 Eyes will wash away some of that. Pretending I’m at dMz, tipsy and happy with my friends I haven't seen for over a year. Ah, there! My nails are all black and shiny. Now I’ll just have to wait until this third and last layer dries before I start embroidering again. Will have to wait until tomorrow when I can go to buy some new needles for my sewing machine, so I can continue my crafting. Also I will buy some material for my next project, which will be even more complex. I hope I'll have enough patience for that...