This is kinda weird, but I find myself forgetting where I was all of last week. Uppsala, damn it! How can I forget such a thing, like over and over again?! I only remember bits and glimpses. At night I dream that I wake up in the guest room where I slept in Uppsala, and then when I wake up for real in my own bed I wonder where the fuck I am. And where I was. Even when I'm clearly awake (or am I ever?) I start thinking about last week, and I get so confused cause I've forgotten where I was that entire week.
A part of me thinks that maybe that trip to Uppsala never actually happened, and that that is why I keep forgetting it. Another part of me tells me that I was on the verge of psychosis about half the time, and even did have a psychotic episode once, and that's why it's so hard to remember. Once again I'm having a hard time trying to differ dream from reality.
It's true that I did have some sort of psychosis while waiting for and on the bus from Arlanda to Uppsala last Thursday. The main 4 voices in my head including my own had a third world war for an hour and a half or so. Basically I tried to talk to Anna, Vargyl replied, they started fighting, I told them to shut the fuck up and unintentionally called out "Oh my god!" to which Satan replied, and then all three of them started fighting and talking to each other about me in third person. I tried to separate them, but I couldn't make out what anyone said cause they were all talking at once.
Weird thing though, while I was scared, restless and riddled with anxiety in the midst of all that, it was Anna who calmed me down. She said "You don't need to be afraid, we want you no harm". All the while, I couldn't help thinking what the other passengers on the bus must have thought of me. Constantly talking "to myself" and telling imaginary people to shut up, shaking and twitching and frenetically scribbling in my diary while desperately trying to hide myself under my hair. Well, that was one hell of a trip!
So... if I've counted correctly I have had 4 psychotic outbreaks in 4 months. That is just... I don't know. Not good. I really am getting worse, but at the same time I feel stronger, more grounded and hopeful than before. I'm actually looking forward to things in the future, want to work towards some goals in my life and change. So if I really have Schizophrenia it is actually way better than Borderline/Aspie stuck in a limbo that almost killed me. If you look at it that way...
Well, technically I'm still stuck in a limbo of sorts, but as long as I can endure my hallucinations and weird delusions going a little haywire every once in a while, I can manage. I have to, it's that simple. If life wanna fuck me over it's gotta have to do it properly this time if I'm supposed to go all suicidal again. NOT asking for hell to break loose, just saying that I won't go down easy. I may not have been down in this particular road in hell before, but I've seen many of the dark ones, survived them and come out stronger, so how hard can it be?
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