Some time in January next year I will have been in pain every day for nine years. Kinda inconceivable when I think about it. Can't help but wondering what I would have done back then, when I was 15, if I had known it was gonna last this long. Nine years is a long time, and I don't remember what it was like to be pain free. I can't even remember it.
For somehow I have gotten used to it always aching, pounding, hurting or stinging in this head of mine. Lately I've been in pain in other body parts as well, but that hasn't been consistent and is mostly just because I'm out of shape and sitting by the computer too much. And the pain I'm causing myself doesn't count.
It's been a bad day. I've been feeling strange, sort of empty, but it's not the right word. Think I might have discovered a new emotion again... hate it when I do that. Like I've just been wanting to flee all day, but at the same time absorb everything. I mentally suffocate myself for reasons that are to me unknown. Lethargic, despondent, hopeless and a little more lovesick they usually. On the verge of dissociation: halfly drifting into another state of existence, losing touch with reality for a moment before drifting back again.
I've pined, yearned for him so much today that my heart aches. Taken so much caffeine, like I'm jaded or chased by something. Like I'm trying to defend myself. I can't do anything productive, mostly I've just been staring at the screen. An empty stare, I've been looking without seeing.
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