To bi or not to bi, that's the question

I really need to figure this shit out. I'll try to go back to my childhood and look at my first crush and then move on and see what sort of pattern might reveal itself. Am I really into men or not? Let's find out... You like that title? I hope it's not too sublte.

1. First crush ever
The first crush I can remember that I ever had, I was not very young. I was 8, and this was a bunch of months but less than a year before the abuse. It was a teacher, I think around 22 years old. A woman. All the boys in the class had a crush on her. She was truly super sweet, invited the whole class to her home one day, and everyone liked her. She had half her face paralysed but no one gave her any shit about it, everyone thought she was beautiful (she truly was) and went out of their ways to defend her if needed. I didn't feel weird about crushing on her because everyone with even the slightest inclination towards girls did! However I was too scared to tell anyone about it cause I was pretty sure I was the only girl to have a crush on her. I wasn't thinking about sex back then at all. I just got warm, fluffy feelings around her, and some tingles in my pussy that I didn't know what to make of really. But for a childish crush, I think it was genuine. Or at least I can't see why not. The woman was absolutely amazing, at least from that I remember everyone loved her, the other teachers too. It wasn't a very strong crush and definitely not obsessive. I just really liked her and felt warm and tingly in her company. I didn't over-think about her at the time. But I also didn't really understand that I had a crush on her, cause like... I was "meant" to like boys... and then that I felt that for a girl, it confused me.

2. Second crush
At around the same time I felt kind of a slight crush towards one of my bullies, a guy of my age. I really don't think that was a real crush, but my fear of him that made my mind try to make him "nice" by creating positive feelings towards him. I was scared of him, always tense around him and I hated him. I didn't actually want to be in a relationship, or kiss him or even give him a hug. It was just those abstract feelings fluttering about.

3. Crushes soon after the childhood sexual assault
I got several obsessive crushes on boy classmates during ages 10-12. Even one of them I got extremely obsessive over when he got a girlfriend, who was also a classmate of mine. I wanted to kill her for "taking him" and fantasised about stabbing her to death, when I was 12 and really suicidal and messed up from that trauma at age 9. My entire mind was rampantly out of control, I dissociated a lot, self-harmed, constantly wanted to die, was at my first "war" with Anna whom I had just realised was going to stick around forever. Just to remind you of how my psyche was doing at that point in my life: not very well. The male classmate I was obsessed with had no interest in me but I simply didn't care. I felt like I would force him to be with me if I could. But I was also really despondent, shy and just too fucking depressed to even try anything like that. It was a storm in my head but it never leaked out. I felt no sexual feelings towards him. This was probably the most fucked up of my "crushes" and no I don't think I was actually into him. Just very, very damaged, lonely and hurting.

4. Another teacher
From age 11 to 15 I had a long-lasting crush in a male science teacher, who was 27 when I was 11. My best friend was into him as well and we were both being silly teen girls about it. It was only his looks I liked and his sexy voice, but I don't think I ever had sexual fantasies about him, not even later into my teens when I had definitely gotten interested in thinking about sex. I had obsessive romantic fantasies about him, and a lot of "taboo fantasies" about dating him, as his student. I think it was the "forbiddeness" that got me drawn to him, sharing that interest with my best friend and that it was a little extra exciting that he was quite a lot older than me. But did I truly want him? I don't think so.

5. Early teens and with a more active sexual mind
At age 13 I had just started karate and instantly "fell" for a guy there. He was from another village nearby and 2 years older. That was also obsessive and ultimately really shallow. I was not interested in actually getting to know him as a person, but I did have sexual fantasies, and lots of sexual nightly dreams, about him. In my diaries at the time I wrote about him constantly. I filled up entire books just rambling about how I felt for him and all my fantasies, and all the details about how we had accidentally touched each other or gotten eye contact at karate practice. Then about 2 years later when I was 15 and still doing karate, he got his long hair cut off and I was no longer interested in him. That attraction died with his hair. Was I truly into him? I don't think so. I was obsessed with an idea of him, but wasn't into the actual person that he was. We did have maybe just two actual conversations during those 2 years I pined for him, and I didn't like his personality those two times I saw it. Yet I kept obsessing and imagining he was different. That is actually a very common pattern with all of my "love obsessions" that I was just pining in silence but didn't want to actually get to know the person I was obsessed about, or I wanted to get to know them but then I didn't like them and "fell out of love" however messed up that may seem.

(Pause for reflection)
I felt very lonely in my teens and childhood. I was obsessed with the dream of finding a "prince charming" or "the right one" or "my one true love" but no one wanted me cause I was an unpopular, bullied and awkward aspie girl with weird hair and clothes and a bad posture. I've always known I'm not everyone's cup of tea, but I know I'm definitely some people's favourite whiskey. But in my teens and childhood I felt very lonely and unwanted. I wanted romances and kisses just like most teen girls, but I didn't get that and it made me very frustrated and feel even more unwanted and just hopeless. I think that, in combination with the trauma at age 9, and also that I was dreamy and quite detached from reality already to begin with (I was stuck believing in childhood fairytales much longer than what's "normal" for kids), made me obsessed by my ideas of people instead of actually interested in them. I was incredibly unrealistic and overly dreamy so to the point it became unhealthy.

(Back to the story telling)
6. Realising interest in girls/women
Then at age 14, I went to a local church for confirmation. I chose that myself, out of curiosity, and my parents hated it and said that the church was brainwashing me... yeah, my parents are kinda hardcore atheists, although my mother is slightly agnostic. Slightly. However at that church group, which was really quite small, I got crushes on not just one but TWO girls. One of them I just liked looking at, really. She was very pregnant, quite a bit older than me and I knew I could only have her as eye-candy so I kept my distance and it was never brought up or noticed. The other girl, however... she's the one who made me realise I'm really into girls. I pined for her and really wanted to get to know her, but I was so painfully shy and also worried the church would have an issue with it if they noticed gay flirting there. I didn't know if that particular church was gay-friendly or not. It was never brought up one way or the other. Her name is Elena and at that time she lived in another village nearby and at church was the only times I could meet her, cause we didn't go to the same school. That was a dilemma. My fantasies about her were wild. Both romantically and sexually. I wasn't too aware of oral sex even being a thing back then, so those fantasies mostly only consisted of kissing, boob-touching and masturbating each other to orgasm. Likely also some pussy on pussy rubbing, aka tribbing. I'd say that counts as gay enough for my uneducated 14 year old mind.

This one gets two paragraphs cause apparently I've a lot to say about her! Continues: At the day of confirmation she helped me put on a necklace that I was having a fight with, just out of the blue she asked if I needed help. It made me so weak in the knees I nearly lost my balance, and then I couldn't think of anything else for the rest of that day, week, year. When I didn't see her anymore after the confirmation had ended, I kept pining for a few more months, but then eventually let go of her. I saw her once more, 2-3 years later, at the bus stop in the village I lived in. She walked into a bus when I walked out of another, and didn't get the opportunity to even say hi. Then never saw her again. Was I really into her? I think so. It was a groundbreaking crush for me, to realise I like girls. It had a huge impact. Although my focus on her was very sexual, I also didn't actually know her so it makes sense I focused on the physical aspect then, but also felt warm and weak around her, and more shy than otherwise. I don't think I was actually obsessed with her, also because when I knew she was out of reach, I could move on from her. Not right away but within a reasonable time. I always remember her in a kind of special way though, mostly with a sort of gentle nostalgia, for the self-discovery that my crush on her led to.

7. My first sexuality confusions
That following autumn (2004) I found an article about gay and bi girls in a glossy teen magazine and it dawned upon me. I thought I must be bisexual. Briefly that winter, I wondered if I might be a lesbian, cause when I thought of girls vs boys, I felt like I'd rather be with a girl and like my attraction to boys wasn't quire right. But then I thought I was crazy for thinking that, I had lots of crushes on boys and only 2-3 on girls! If anything that must mean I'm more straight-leaning bisexual, right? Well that was my thinking back then. Sometime during spring 2005 I came out as bisexual, to my mother and best friend. I didn't tell the school cause it was the very last term ever (9th glade) there and I thought it would be better and best to just wait that out and not care about that stupid school. They had no business knowing. But yes, I did come out as bisexual all that time ago! When I was 15 or just turned 16, I don't remember the exact time but I think it was sunny weather outside when I told my mother while we were in a car and she drove me somewhere. And she told me that's "the ideal sexuality".

8. First gay date
Sometime that spring I met a girl from Qruiser, for a date. I think she's actually a lesbian, but possible she was bisexual instead, I dunno my memory of her looks and vibes just screams GAY but yeah whatever... She was a couple of years older than me, Asian, punk-sport butch who couldn't speak Swedish and barely English so we didn't understand each other well. She was cute as hell but we didn't connect at all and the date was a flop. But I mean it was my first date with another girl, at just age 15! Considering all of my issues... I'm proud of myself for that.

9. Barely a crush, but maybe noteworthy
For the last few months of my 9th grade we got a new girl as a classmate. She was totally my type and I got curious about her. But I also noticed that she was too shy and I probably wouldn't get along much with her due to that, so I acknowledged that and just liked her as eye-candy. Also I wasn't out as bi or anything at that school, so that also held me back from flirting with girls. But what I felt for her, I think it was a healthy thing. Was a pretty weak but still noticable "I like this girl" feeling.

(Long sidenote about my type)
When I say "my type" in terms of girls/women.... it's very definitely a clear type. Most girls I've crushed on looked pretty much the same. Shoulder long blonde straight hair, very light skin, that soft pastel feminine style, either healthy weight and more or less curvy or really thin with a small frame like that "petite" kind of women that are so small even I look huge in comparison! They look very fair, bright and kinda angelic with platinum blonde hair and snow white skin. I think I like that type cause it's my feminine opposite: meaning my style has always been dark, with heavy makeup, lots of black and dark rich accent colours like wine red, petrol and deep purple, but also bright pink details. So they're like the "angelic" opposite to my "demonic" thing going on, in a symbolic kinda sense. Or that's how I've always seen it. Like a yin to my yang kinda thing but two feminine women, one light and the other dark. I think that's why I prefer blondes and the sweetly softly bright feminine, to contrast my (usually) black hair and sharply dark femininity. Lilith wants to date virgin Mary? No I'm kidding. I don't actually put any sort of personality or value into that type. It's just a look. I do like other types of women, but this in particular feels like truly "my type" as a trademark kinda thing! Cause it happened unintentionally, really a lot. That first teacher, the church girl Elena and that briefly new classmate all fit that "type" to a tee. They seriously looked like they could have been mother and sisters!

This just hit me: I've ALWAYs had a clear type for women/girls, even when I've broadened my taste over the years and just noticing more styles and looks are really pretty and hot... but I have literally never had ANY type for men/guys at all. Not even in the slightest. There have been more masculine guys most likely because feminine guys are quite rare, especially straight/bi fem guys. And I mostly just fell for whichever guy was closest to me! But I think I had at least 3 fem guy crushes, who were all into women, although 2 of them were trans guys, but then 1 of them was a straight cis guy. He wore makeup and had long nails, wore very colourful, kinda "ragdoll" style clothes and I loved his style so hard. But I was a trans guy at the time and he wasn't into me and whatever. I remember he just looked really fucking cute, but yeah he was also just another obsession with no real depth to it.

Actually that was my worst obsession ever. I online stalked him and thought he was my only reason to live, until he got a girlfriend, then I had no reason to live anymore so I tried to kill myself. 5 times. Although he unknowingly gave me an orgasm once... whoops! My neck is very sensitive... and probably just as orgasmic as my pussy is. So when he gave me a neck massage that was like him literally masturbating me. I came. One of my most awkward orgasms ever. But I digress. I have always liked both feminine and masculine styles on men, but I don't think I ever truly cared which of what they were. None of my guy crushes look the other one alike.

R had no style at all, was kinda boring looking and just wore sporty sweatpants and hoodies, you know that really bland and boring kind, and his hair was just that regular short guy style, not dyed. He was quite overweight, but no one really knew how much he weighed cause the scale only went up to 115 kg and he weighed more than that, but I don't think it was much more, and he looked more like he weighed around 90-100 kg, at 185 cm tall. Come to think of it, he wasn't very masculine physically. Like completely hairless, quite high voice, no facial hair. Perhaps that's a little odd at age 17-18. I've never thought of that before. Also he had gynecomastia so he likely had some hormonal issues. Then my next bofriend M was super thin at barely 50 kg and same height, he was actually severely underweight. He had a bit of a punk/skinhead style but also liked some goth stuff. I remember he got a brocade vest tailored cause clothes didn't exist in his very tall, narrow size, but also he was really broke and couldn't afford much nice clothes.

My point in there has never been any sort of pattern to what type of looks the men I've had something with, whether experiences or just obsessions. They've all looked very different, and randomly so. So that's why I say I don't have a type or preference when it comes to men. It seems that with women I feel drawn to them in a much more specific way, like my heart just knows what it wants and looks for similar traits for a next crush, etc... but with men, it was always just completely random and I rarely got sexually into handsome men, only the not so attractive ones, with just a few exceptions, but in those cases I was instead obsessed with their looks and didn't like their minds. With women I think I... have strangely been both more picky and more realistic. Like a hell of a lot more realistic and never actually obsessed, except with just one girl, but that was a celebrity, and not someone I met in reality. I'm getting onto something here... and I'm sure I'll get more into that eventually as I proceed here, but just thought I'd bring it up as it hit me, so you can see how my mind reflects on this and uncover it bit by bit, while I'm going through my past.

(Back to the story telling)
10. Celebrity crush gone haywire
Okay, moving forward. I think if there's any celebrity crushes I should mention here, it's Berny Pålsson. Might sound like a guy's name but it's a nickname for Bernadette. I discovered her autobiographical book sometime that year (2005, to remind you) and I noticed that she looked exactly like me, with the half black-half white dyed hair, and a skimpy, hyper feminine punk-metal style that her journalists referred to as "punk princess". It was like looking into a mirror when I saw pictures of her. And reading her autobiography felt like I was reading my own diary. Well, she was a million times more extreme than me, but I recognised myself in almost all of it to a lesser degree. She was also bisexual, she was also cutting herself, she was also struggling with various mental health issues (including anxiety, depression, borderline... but then she's schizophrenic and a heavy drug addict as well as alcoholic which luckily I'm not) and also had issues with sex addiction although at that time I was still a virgin but addicted to masturbation. My birth name was the same as one of her middle names. She wrote the book at age 17-19 and was at age 22 when I was 15, so a bit older but not a huge difference, and she lived like a teen anyhow.

I did crush on her... obsessively. Very obsessively. I was into her sexually too. Except from when she looked like a totally drugged, drunken and bleeding from self-harm wounds everywhere... she was hot. Like damn, I've never before or after seen such a deliciously softly super curvy fucking perfect hourglass-shape body with such an incredibly beautiful yet adorably cute face... ever before in my life! Fuck, she was extremely gorgeous, and especially enticing to look at when she stuffed her probably DD-cups into push-up bras and that round, big butt in flared mini skirts so short you could see her panties... that made me drool really a lot. She wasn't at all super thin. I'd say she was upper range of healthy weight for some time and then a little overweight. If there's anything I'd call a perfect body, she totally had it. And I'm saying that now as no longer even remotely obsessed with her. She just had the greatest looking body I have ever seen, all time. She doesn't look as good anymore though. Time and lots of drugs and mental illness tends to not have the most kind effects on your body. She's 36 now but looks like half-dead 50 year old.

I obsessively read her book, over and over, brought it with me everywhere. It was my bible. Literally. I lived by its words, which wasn't good considering the content! Yeah, her book did inspire me to cut myself more, overdose on my medications more, attempt suicide more, and made me think I had schizophrenia. It wasn't a good influence. I could write more about her, but let's not make it too long. I'm way over her now, and this is just reflecting over my past. Actually, my best friend told me that Berny had a daughter that she named Laura and that's why my best friend had bad vibes to my new name. She thought I knew about that and had deliberately named myself after the kid. I didn't know a damn thing about it. I guess we just have the same taste in names, or something. But I googled it and even read through Berny's blog all the way back to 2014 to try to find something about that but there was nothing.

The closest I could find was that she was pregnant for some time back in 2014 but had a miscarriage, and then there was nothing about her being pregnant again or having a kid, as far as I could find. I don't know if I've lost enough connection to my "best friend" to think she might have lied to me or if my research skills just weren't good enough. It could be so that my former extreme obsession Berny has a daughter with the same name as me, but, it was a pure coincidence if that's so. A lot of that has gone on with me and Berny, that we just have unbelievably much in common in really random ways. It's possible we're some kind of distant soulmates or whatever. It's strange, but ultimately I don't really care anymore. So what? Let's move on.

11. Getting actual experiences, mid teens
The first 2-ish years of gymnasium (ages 16-17) I had very many short-lived, obsessive crushes on guys. I met Max who was a classmate of mine, 19 year old nerdy ginger guy. He was cute and good-looking but I didn't feel attracted to him. I did however get my first few sexual experiences with him. His was the first dick I sucked, he was the first person to touch my boobs and pussy. It was consensual but I knew already back then I wasn't into him. I was just happy that finally someone wanted me, and he was kind and sweet. So I mostly just went along with it, cause I had a chance. The sexual stuff did turn me on though, like really a lot, I soaked my panties every single time, but I was scared to let him inside me. That felt like a step I just couldn't take with him.

12. First girl on girl experience
And then I had that flop of a threesome with him and another girl. I wanted to fuck her. I would have liked her inside me... I was totally all over her and really into her, it felt so amazing! Like I was sooo eager and turned on by her, and touching her felt so good and just... I dunno it just gave me a very special, firey feeling... but she was only interested in him and when I noticed that I had completely not gotten the chance at girl sex which I had been promised, I got sad and uninterested in the whole thing. Immediately stopped touching her. I felt gross and rapey. And I felt terrible when I just sat by the bed and watched him fucking her, wasn't even turned on anymore. I think I was sad that he got to fuck her while I was rejected. Of course he still wanted me, and asked me again if I wanted to, but I wanted her! He knew I was bisexual and he was bi as well. But I doubt that she was. She might have been bicurious though, but yeah whatever I knew absolutely nothing about her at all so I can't know if she was not really into girls or just not into me. We had not seen each other before that day, so it's very likely she was just not into me.

13. The rape
I then met my rapist online whom I only wanted a friendship with. I had no romantic or sexual feelings for him at all, prior to the rape. And obviously not after it either, cause that didn't turn me on! Yeah... that was a joke. I don't think my fantasies about him as of late have ever been any kind of sign of me actually being into him. Honestly I can't even remember what he looked like anymore. Time erased my memory of his face, as I only saw him for a few hours on that one day. Also, perhaps more relevant now: he was a homophobe. I don't think he knew about my same sex attraction, because he never talked about that and I thought it was best not to mention it. But he did rant about how very scared he was that gay men would "jump" him and... ironically enough, rape him. I don't think he'd deserve that, actually. I don't think anyone would. Makes me really wonder how huge issues he had, though. Maybe mine were minor in comparison...

He does play a very big part in all of this, although he was clearly never a crush, boyfriend or hookup of mine. He's the odd one out, on my list of people I've had sex with. I feel a lot like I have a strange kind of severed connection to him. I do not like him, but I've been obsessed with him too. I've fantasised about sex and even romance, with him, several years after he raped me. I've tried to track him down and find him in real life, just a year or so ago, but to no avail. Although I still have the phone number he gave me all those years ago, written in a diary, but I don't dare to call it. Perhaps some day I'll gather enough courage to. Perhaps I need to heal a little bit more first, just in case he still uses that number and might pick up the phone.

(Another pause)
Let's take a pause and reflect a little. The thought has hit me... I've read/heard about that sometimes when straight people get raped/sexually assaulted by someone of the same sex, they start thinking they might be gay, and I think this is a pretty common reaction. At least my brief research tells me so. Perhaps especially men who get raped by other men starting to think they're actually into men as in thinking maybe they wanted it on some level: self blame gets intertwined with confusion about sexual orientation. That makes a lot of sense. And when I thought of that... cause I was sexually abused at such a young age and by the opposite sex (yes there was a girl in on it too, but she was not the one holding me down and looking at my bits up close, he did most of it, she was just laughing around in the background, and I've now gotten over most of my internalised lesbophobia), and then raped by the opposite sex (also by Anna but that was different and affected me differently, that gave me trust issues and fear towards myself, not to other women)... it's possible I was always a lesbian but I thought I was bisexual cause of those traumas.

The same way that some straight people think they might be gay from having been abused by the same sex... maybe I thought I was bisexual cause I've been abused by the opposite sex. But that maybe it had a more... ingrained (?) or long-lasting, effect on me because heterosexuality is the norm, and I didn't ever think of questioning my feelings for men/guys cause I was expected to be into the opposite sex, as is everyone. I feel like this might actually be what happened. The weight in my heart tells me that's how it is, but can I trust it? It feels like a heavy thing to realise, and quite dizzying.

Also considering how very much my traumas have fucked up my sexuality on other levels, with the getting attracted to close relatives, attracted to kids, all the obsessive rape fantasies, sex addiction, and so fucking on... it actually wouldn't surprise me a lot if I was also always a lesbian but got that messed up with my rapey and obsessive, basically intrusive fantasies about men that made me think I was into them and that I wanted sex and romance with them.

I've always, always struggled to figure out my sexuality, ever since I learned that there are different labels for if you're attracted to men or women, both or neither. I've switched from thinking I'm bi to lesbian, to bi, to pansexual, to gay male, to asexual, to bi again, back to gay male, then to straight female, back to bisexual female and here I'm for the first time ever truly looking at the label lesbian. Literally the only one that never felt like it fit me is straight male, but for the same reason as lesbian. I've dithered between sexual orientations for 14 fucking years, I've had enough, and I demand an answer!!! I don't care which fucking one anymore... I don't care... just please I need to know so that I can put this shit behind me for once in my life...

That's why this is so important to me, cause as soon as I felt this shift, all I could think was "Noooooo not again!!!" cause I don't know how many times I've come out but eventually I just stopped coming out cause it had gotten ridiculous and no one cared anymore who or what I was into. I know, I fucking know, that it's because of my traumas that I simply can't for the life of me figure out my sexual orientation. I just want it sorted out, once and for all. The answer doesn't matter, as long as I get the right answer.

My sexuality is absolutely shredded by my traumas, and I can't make sense of the pieces, bits, slices and strings that's left of it. I can't put the mess together cause I don't know what it's supposed to be like. All I can say about it is just "I think it's broken" and sigh.

So it wouldn't surprise me, it wouldn't... cause I think it's true. But I feel sad about it. That would explain also why my long term relationships with men never worked out. Really the only love or crush that I'm actually unsure about is R... maybe I really did love him? I don't know. I'll get to that very soon, so let's hold that thought.

(Back to the story telling)
14. First romantic experiences
Then I met J a couple months after the rape, on the same online chat site. He was quite a bit older than me. I had just turned 18 and he turned 27 a few days after that. I felt I had a few really cosy romantic moments with him and did feel some butterflies, but I wasn't really into him as a person. He was boring, and we didn't really have anything in common. Except he was a smoker and I finally got my chance to try my first cigarette, which I had longed for for years prior but never gotten the chance. I had sex with him once, at his place, but it was physically painful and incredibly disappointing. I had shaved my pussy for him, but he was very distant, gave me no foreplay what so ever and it was just... literally just in and out until he came in me. It was the worst consensual sex I've ever had, only because he was so distant and unaffectionate with me.

We had been dating for about 2 weeks at that point, and he broke up with me the next day when he was walking me to the bus station. I took a detour back into the city to buy emergency birth control pills before I went back home again. About a week later he came back crawling to me saying he wanted me back, but I felt absolutely nothing for him and thought he was an idiot, so I said no and moved on. Never heard from him again, until I met him at a psychiatric ward where he worked as a staff member, early in my FtM transition 4 years later. He recognised me when I said hi, and he looked absolutely livid, seeing me there. I don't think I've ever seen anyone get so pale so fast... He switched wards the next day, to very obviously avoid me. Then I never saw or heard from him again. Was I ever into him? No, I don't think so. But I also didn't know him long enough to truly know if I could have been into him. I really liked his kisses though. He was an incredible kisser, with an unnaturally long tongue. That tickled my fancy!

15. First love?
Then I met R. Was I in love with him then? Well, because he was very overly obsessed with me, if I was obsessed with him too, it would have looked like a healthy love in comparison. That was the only time I had an even worse obsession to compare my love-like feelings to. I don't know, but I think that's an important thing to bring up. I remember I wanted breaks from him all the time after just a few weeks, and that I didn't ever miss him after it had been a few days. Like I never really wanted to hang out with him, but when I did I usually liked it, before it got abusive between us. When I was with him, I liked him and felt like I was into him... but when I was alone between meetups I didn't feel like I was into him much at all. It's hard to figure out what to really make of that. But I think maybe it was something else going on than love there. I mean, I really did care about him a lot, but I also felt a certain distance, like I wasn't fully there with my feelings for him. I think maybe I told myself I was more into him than I really was. And him hurting me made me feel like it was a heartbreak when I broke up with him but really I was just hurt by all the damn abuse. I... don't think I actually loved him, or was into him even... and realising that... not even him... it's heavy.

Sex with him was absolutely amazing... when he didn't sexually assault me, but I was still always distant from him during sex, and I wasn't into his body at all. He just had amazing techniques at pleasing me and I did dream away into my fantasy world a lot. Romance was great with him... but it also felt phony and awkward, like I wasn't quite "there" with that either. Everything was so very intensely black and white and confusing and conflicting with him. I think maybe possibly I just wanted for it to work out with him, more so than I loved him or wanted him. I was not attracted to his looks at all and the more I got to know him the less I liked him and the less I was into him. Also, this is a VERY important factor to take into consideration as well: he was the first person ever to love me romantically. Of course I "fell" for him then... I just wanted to be loved. I remember that thought... I've thought it before, that it's possible I was only into him because he loved me, and well suddenly that makes a lot of sense.

The rest is sum up, conclusion and last few reflecting thoughts:

Well, this is starting to look like a pattern, don't you think? Cause I see a consistent pattern of a "nope not into, not attracted to, not really in love with, just obsessive, etc" about the guys. While girls are much more varied and depending on the intensity of what I felt, does seem to have been genuine and also a hell of a lot healthier. I always used to think I "lost" attraction to girls I was crushing on cause of a fading attraction to women altogether... but it wasn't. It was really just me knowing when to stop pining for women I had to chance with, cause I was not actually obsessed with them. I actually genuinely liked them and saw them as potentials: not must have's.

Oh wow, fuck. I think I might have solved the puzzle... or damn nearly at least! And... just damn... I don't even know what to say to myself? I'm at a loss for words. I really wasn't into ANY of the guys I thought I was?! And it's been soooo many guys... if I also count all of the crushes... they're uncountable... and ALL just illusions and tricks!? And all the ones I pined for, dated, fucked... Oh fuck, that makes me feel so sick... what have I done to myself!? I've traumatised myself even further by fucking people of a sex I'm not actually into! And several hundred times... far beyond what I can count... with 19 different men!

It's hella dizzying... No wonder my subconscious eventually just snapped at me and made me instantly grossed out by men and dick. I know not all lesbians are grossed out like that strong reaction, but I think in my case that reaction kiiiinda makes sense. And many traumatised/sexually abused lesbians are really grossed out by men/dick, that's totally a thing. This is shaking me up quite a lot. At the same time as my mind is struggling to truly comprehend that I'm actually gay... Like it's just staring at the almost entirely solved puzzle and just goes "wut?" so I guess I'm a little shocked! I see it that way, like I've almost solved this puzzle now and although there are a few more pieces to add... I can see the picture. I only feel slight hesitation still because of the few missing pieces. But I don't think the final result will be any different to what I already see... I think it will be the same, only clearer.

I am freaked out, and scared... cause I believed all my life this was the one sexuality I could not possibly have... and I'm scared of having to start over with sex and dating, as a beginner again. Although I look forward to it really a lot, and dream about it... it would definitely be a dream to find the right woman and marrying her, all of that! But even just finding a first girlfriend and gently exploring her and she exploring me and be cutesy romantic and bicker about some pet peeves and just... ah it fills me with such warm feelings and giggly excitement! But it makes me nervous and kinda scared too... cause I can't choose to be with men anymore, like I can't lean back on that if it gets difficult with women... oh dear, it feels like I'm gonna have to dive without any safety gear on...

Come to think of it, I've never been able to cum with a guy unless I've distracted myself away from him, with a fantasy or just by closing my eyes and focusing on the feeling itself. That's... dissociating. It was just that feeling of being filled up that I liked about dicks... and thinking they look kinda cool. I don't regret that I tried sex with men, although I wish I had maybe tried it a bit less and not so unhealthily. But I very likely would have enjoyed penetration a lot more with women and dildos/strap-on's instead. I'm sure I would love being on the giving end of that too... I did cum from fantasising about that, once, a week or so ago, and I'm taking that as a sign I might be into it in reality too.

Although I seem to mostly be into being on the receptive end of dildos and straps... I'm versatile about fingering, pussy licking and basically everything else. That about dildos maaay just be me being slightly stuck in heteronormative thinking patterns, but I'm sure I'll come around about it if that's what up with that. I feel I'll be a lot less restricted with women and just wanna try and explore everything! Like it's just all so exciting and sexy! And then if I try something I'm not into it, so what, at least I wanted to try it and did! That, only time will tell. I wonder if cumming with another woman will mean... I might actually get off from focusing on her? I can't know, of course but... I can only imagine that would be an absolutely amazing feeling that would make me cry happy tears for weeks. There's a lot such details that I don't know and can't know with the lack of experience I currently have with women, which does make this a little trickier to really figure out, but I try to use what little information I've got about myself on that, and just work with it.

I suddenly feel really grossed out by all my past experiences with men, like I'm tainted. I know I didn't mean to hurt myself by fucking them, and I know I really thought I was into them... but yikes, just yikes... How do I wash the memories of all those 19 dicks off of me? It makes me shudder at just the thought of it. The thought of dick, and men, touching and feeling me, makes me shudder. I suddenly feel traumatised by all of it, even the good ones. This feels like really the cherry on top of the cake that is all of my traumas, another cruel fate to discover... how is it possible to have this much bad luck in life?

The more I peel this onion that is my traumatised mind... it's absolutely shocking how much there is beyond each layer... I can't fathom it. I just can't. I'm just staring at the mess and what's revealing from underneath it with my mouth open, mind blank and the only thing that comes out of my mouth is the sound "öööööhhh" which is Swedish for "eeeeehhh" of all the things you probably didn't know were actually translatable. But back on topic. It does sadden me... I never got to explore my lesbianism, cause I was too fucking busy repeating my traumas with and obsessing over men/guys that I wasn't actually into. Not only do I have to start over as a woman at 30... I also have to start over as a lesbian at 30... Fuck my life?

Some do realise it later in life, and maybe I should look more into that. If maybe I could feel comforted by hearing others' stories of not having realised being gay until you're definitely an adult and "should have" figured it out long before. Lesbians who've even been married to men and didn't know they weren't into them, for example. I know I blame myself for it, like "how could I not have known?" but I also know I'm not the only one to have had that kind of struggle.

I struggle to move on and tell more of my later crushes, relationships and sexual experiences. It makes me feel sick. And also because I know that the closer I get to present time in my sexual timeline... the more sickening it gets. Perhaps I'll take up on it later on from where I left off this time.

I don't think I've ever been into men. That's what my thoughts and feelings and analysis so far are telling me, and it's kinda heavy. I think I really am a lesbian, and always was, but I struggle with it cause it feels like my whole dating and sex life was built on a lie, already from the start. Cause... that too. My life as a trans guy was a lie, and now my interest in men was too. Knowing that creates a knot in my heart. It's painful. How many lies have I lived through, thinking they were true? How many more? Do I even want to know? Just how tragic can my life be? I want a hug so bad right now. Just a friendly hug, but I wouldn't mind it if it's tight and lasts for a long time. For someone to just squeeze away some of my tensions, fears, worries and panicky feels for a little moment...

I'm gonna need to work through this with fucking heaps of therapy and self-care. This also feels like a betrayal towards myself. I might come out as a lesbian after Christmas if that might help me feel better and accept myself more, but I want to bring this up with my therapist first as well, and I see her next time on January 10th. So gotta hold on until then. She's been warned that that's what I wanna talk about. Don't know if I'll tell my parents anything about it on Christmas when I'm visiting them. If the topic just comes up, I might, but not otherwise. I really don't think they'd have any issues with it. Maybe my mother would be happy/relieved to hear it means I'm suddenly highly unlikely to get pregnant. Really the only way I possibly could would be if I'd be raped by a guy again, or if I'd plan on getting pregnant and look into ways to get inseminated or something. Homosexuality is a great and super effective birth control method! I highly approve of it ;)

Cause of having been so obsessed with men for so very long... I've lost out on women really a lot. And all the denial I fought for so many years... it REALLY was internalised lesbophobia, huh? I went in the entirely wrong direction, just completely... and it feels like a loss. A loss for words, if not else! Jeez, what does one even say to this?! It's probably gonna shock a few friends by the time I come out... Cause I can't think anyone will have expected this... although I did already change my facebook profile where it says what/which gender/-s I'm interested in from both men and women to only women. I don't think most of anyone took notice of that though.

But I do want to write a long and heartfelt post about it when I do decide to come out, when the time is right for that. Might be sooner than I first thought, although I don't think I should rush this. I might come out sooner on places like tumblr or Qruiser though, where I only have one or two friends and not literally everyone I know. Baby steps. I really do look forward to that though, actually. The more I just sit with this feeling and realisation and think and feel about it, the more I'm embracing it. Although it's also scary. Cause, I think this time I actually got it right, and then I think coming out will feel like relief. It never has before. Except from my detransing coming out, but never with sexuality... I think that says a lot, if I'll also feel relieved coming out as a lesbian!

So, let's end on that positive note. I can't, however, promise that this won't keep being upsetting for a while. It's both upsetting and relieving. It's great to be a lesbian, I'm sure, but again... why at this fucking price? Okay that didn't end happily, but just re-read the previous paragraph or something! I've gotta end this painfully long entry now before I fall asleep or something.

False dichotomy

Okay I just got back home from the lgbt cafe thing and maaaan am I tired! It was good though. We were only 5 people (me included) this time and I recognised 3 of them from before. The last 30 or so minutes of it (it's only for 2 hours, which I think is just long enough!) it was just me and the guy who hosts the event. We talked about cats for like 15 of those minutes. That was nice. He's really kind and sweet. Like he's the kind of guy I don't think anyone could ever feel threatened by.

But I'm not in the mood to write about that right now. I've held this in since just before I had to leave to go to the bus at 3:40 pm... At around 2 pm I wrote a comment to a post in a bisexual group on facebook... and apparently mods thought it was such a horrible comment that they muted me! I got so angry it's been brewing in me all day since then! Fuck! No, it wasn't a "horrible" comment but it was an "unpopular" opinion, and pretty fucking clearly unwanted. What pissed me off so bad was that EVEN THOUGH I had been super kind and polite about stating my opinion and tried real hard to not invalidate anyone with it... it was still deemed "not okay" for me to utter it.

It was met with pretty harsh criticism. Since I got back home again, that comment of mine has gotten 9 "angry" reacts, 1 "like" and 1 "love" react. It got some 5-6 angry comments and 2 kinda passive aggressive ones. I got muted before I could even get the chance to explain myself. It felt like I was being silenced for having "wrong think" like in that old, classic of a book called "1984" by George Orwell. I've read that book and it's a dystopian novel which the current culture climate is eerily similar to. Orwell described in his book that "wrong think" was thoughts and feelings that the government in that dystopic world had banned, and you get punished and silenced if you'd dare utter them. He was way ahead of his time, Orwell, as he write that book back in the 1950's. Or well, it basically just describes communism, I guess. Well what did I say in my comment then, you may wonder?

Well, this:
"I think it can be a matter of perspective. In my opinion there's only 2 genders, but I'm also supportive of nonbinary and I do understand intersex. Cause being both or neither male/female is not a third gender but simply a combination of the two or a lack of both."

Not THAT bad, right? Wrong. Apparently, cause it unleashed hell! Some of the replies I got to it was:
"See let me put it this way. Is bisexuality just a combination of hetero and homosexuality or is it its own identity? In the same way, nonbinary identities are their own even if they're comprised of aspects you may see in binary genders."

And:
"Your opinion is bad and wrong.
There are more than two genders. Period. This is a fundamental point you need to understand if you want to talk to, or about, trans people."

And also:
"You say you're supportive, but you're trying to change what nonbinary means. It's any gender outside of the societal man and woman dichotomy. Not all nonbinary are a mix of the two, or neither. They're are many, many genders that are not dependent on man and woman existing.
Please educate yourself further"

I'll add this one too:
"it’s easier to just say nothing when you’re not non-binary. Non-binary people understand our identities way better"

And why not this one:
"Imagine believing there's two genders and believing you still support nonbinary people lmao"

Also this little gem:
"Sounds like you're not even trying to hide your enbyphobia but okay"

Also this one cause it's the only actually at least half reasonable response:
"I understand your point, as a non-binary person. There are two binary identities, but the various combinations of both or lack of both binary genders are what makes the other gender identities. Essentially, you make sense, but it’s also a bit of nb erasure. That being said, third + genders have existed outside western culture for centuries."

I'm the one who should be crying bigotry here. They're literally trying to force their opinions onto me as if they were somehow facts, but everyone with half a brain knows that is not factual. It's a belief. It's a perspective. It's an opinion. Call it whatever the fuck you wanna call it, but I won't call what you call it cause I don't see it that way. Period. End of argument ...I wanted to say.

Yeah... I really wanted to respond to that crap but I can't. Cause fuck letting the dissendents speak, right? Let's just shut them up until they either learn to agree on every single point and have reached a mindless state of total equilibrium... or until they just disappear. I hate this part of the lgbt community. The vicious fucking snakes who think they can control people's minds by shoving their own crappy, unreasonable shit opinions down people's throats. Fittingly... apparently it's "national nonbinary day" today. Oh the irony. Well I think I'd rather eat my fucking socks than ever celebrate something so fucking pathetic.

Don't get me wrong, I don't care what other people consider their genders to me. People can identify as a fucking house plant if they want to, I don't give a fuck. But what I do have a huge problem with, is when I'm not even allowed to simply state my opinions of nonbinary in a kind and civil manner, in a group that's not even about gender identities!!! And also I've no fucking obligation to even accept nonbinary just because I'm bisexual. If I'd so only want to ever date binary cis men and women no bloody fucker can ever argue I'm a "bad bisexual" or "less bi" than some other fucker who has no standards what so ever but an ego in the size of fucking Jupiter. And that's not even as strict as I am! Cause I do date trans people as well as cis people, but can anyone blame me for being weary... and wary, of nonbinary people?

I may be old school but I'm not hateful. Since when did "allyship" get replaced with mind-control and worship? I refuse to be a "nonbinary ally" if that's the requirement. They've lost their fucking plot.

Well I sent a private message to one of the admins of the group, but so far no reply back. And I doubt I will get one later either. If I get banned from that group I wouldn't even care. Cause I don't wanna be part of a group that silences differing opinions just because they can. If that's the case I'd even leave on my own. Freely.

And no, I could never even dare to date a nonbinary person. Not unless they'd first fucking prove to me that they're not a hateful shitstain with a superiority complex like 99,9% of them seem to be. They're off my dating radar. And I don't even care if that's sexist or in any other way "too discriminatory" cause dating is actually the thing you're supposed to be allowed to be discriminatory about. Just like straight people exclude dating others of the same sex, or like weirdly picky people may exclude brunettes from their dating radar. Me excluding nonbinary people is really no different. It's within my right to do so, especially when it's for my own mental well-being.

Cause I can't be expected to be able to sift out the one or two actually decent nb people from the masses of snakes. So here's how it is: as soon as any potential partner says anything along the lines of "btw I'm nb" I'll just take off and run for the fucking hills. Decline any further dating. Lose out, whatever. Cause I'm just not willing to take that kind of risk. I've been with enough manipulative assholes. And yeah, people can call it "enbyphobia" however much they want, but I'm gonna go ahead and disagree and call it common fucking sense and self-preserverance.

Ugh, that just kinda ruined my day. But I could at least take my mind off it for a few seconds here and there at the cafe. I still haven't told anyone there about my detransing, but that's mostly just because we haven't talked about any gender or transition stuff at all there so far, so I think it would be weird to just bring up out of the blue. I can just sense that their thoughts really wander about my presentation and appearance there though. Like some really look me up and down with a kinda nervous but intrigued smile as if they're trying really hard to figure me out, but no one has actually said anything, or even hinted.

I wonder for how much longer they can keep biting their tongues about it. Cause I get the feeling that's exactly what they're doing. I wouldn't mind talking about it, in fact I'm bursting to have someone irl I can talk about it with, but I can't just say it outright. I need to wait for "the moment", which I know may never come. But that's just my cross to bear, I guess. At least I've learned to accept that.

I'm curious what they might think of me, but I don't wanna ask. I felt like I was passing better today though, and oh boy did I put in the effort to pass! With my beard hidden better than ever (although you could still see some in my sideburn areas and chin) and my hairline completely hidden under a feminine-looking scarf. Although I wasn't gendered by anyone at all so I can't actually know if I passed or not. It just felt like I did. So maybe take that with a grain of salt. Or two.

Also I talked to a friend, over phone, yesterday and that made me feel a bit better about my detransing situation. I think just hearing a new perspective that I hadn't heard before was apparently what I needed to feel better. Well anyhow he told me a lot of good, uplifting stuff about me going off testo. That it's very good my periods came back cause that means my body's natural estrogen has really kicked in again and it's working excellently. He also informed me that my extra testo will sit around in my body for about 6 months from the time I quit taking it. And that within 2-3 years I'll be pretty much my old self again. I told him about how annoying it is to shave with my skin being a lot softer but my beard hairs being very thick and coarse and he had empathy for me about that issue, but also said eventually my beard will get softer too. So that's good to know and it made me feel more hopeful.

Apparently he knows two other detrans women, also Swedes, except from me. He mentioned their names to me but I didn't recognise them much. I don't know if I know them or not, or if I have known them in the past but lost touch. Sometimes I forget names or can't place them. My mind is so disorganised. I also feel really good about being on the blockers again too, except they make me tired all the time, which is a little annoying daytime, but very nice to sleep on at night. I'm supposed to take them in the morning... but all I could think about that is "what idiot orders patients to take a sedating medication in the fucking morning?!" and decided to take it in the evening instead. Just like that. I can't think that would make any sort of detrimantal difference. But yeah, it makes me kinda "slightly drowsy" 24/7 anyhow, just that it almost completely knocks me out during the first 2 or so hours after taking it. Sooo, if I'd take it in the morning I'd be sleeping all days and be up at night, pretty much.

But actually I think me taking it consistently every evening at roughly the same time is what's helping me keep a sleep pattern now. Well, I have for almost 2 weeks or so now. Or I don't quite remember how long, since some number of days before I started taking the blockers again. So that's good, but increasingly more difficult to maintain. Another annoying side effect is that it does reduce my sex drive. Cause I noticed that happened when I was on them the first time around, then when I went off them I noticed my sex drive went up again, and now since starting them again, my sex drive is again lower. Not inexistent or gone, just less high or intense. Like I still get horny, just not as often or for as long. My mind wanders away from sexy thoughts much more easily. It's like they're boring me quicker. It bugs me a bit, that those pills lower my sex drive, but I don't panic about it cause I still have a sex drive and I'm single anyhow, so it doesn't actually impact my life much.

I guess I'm fine with sacrificing some of my sex drive to get my testo changes to reverse faster, cause that means I'm feeling better about my body faster and that's always a good thing. Cause ultimately, feeling comfortable in my own skin is more important and of higher priority than how often I wanna have sex. Especially since I'm feeling too bad about my body now to even enjoy having sex at all. But I mean masturbation is still very nice. Probably because I know exactly what my "lover" thinks of me then, and I have no reason to worry or not trust. I can trust my own hands on my body. That they won't do something I'm not prepared for or won't like, that they know exactly how to please me. And no risk of std's or pregnancy. It's the safest sex I could possibly have, both mentally and physically. So that's why it works so well for me, even now in this sorrowful state. It became a kind of self-care routine, although I don't doubt I'm still addicted to it additionally. And it always feels good to give myself a little of my own love, and I do love making myself feel good with sweet orgasms that lullaby me to sleep, comfort and relaxation.

People are still commenting on that comment I made in that facebook group, but can't intervene in. Someone just tagged an admin, coincidentally the same one I sent a message to earlier, so let's see what may come of that. And the person tagging the admin called me transphobic in their comment. Bwah! Not that I care much, but it did make me scoff a bit. Oh by the way it's up at 11 "angry" reacts now. It may just be my most hated comment online ever, so far. And it wasn't even hateful.

You know what I would like to throw into their faces? When they say "there are more than 2 genders cause there are genders outside of the man and woman dichotomy" I'd like to reply with something like "Well if male vs female is a false dichotomy, then I'm neither and both cis and trans cause that's also a false dichotomy and if you disagree with me you're invalidating my lived experiences." Cause I know they fucking HATE it when someone tries to break the "cis vs trans dichotomy" but they also refuse to believe in the "male vs female dichotomy" and they're obsessed with being validated all the time. Sooo.... I think that might be a pretty nice comeback.

Cause I actually do think I'm neither cis nor trans, technically, but it's an unpopular opinion in most trans spaces. But the more I think about it the more it makes sense. Cause cis people supposedly never question their gender, they don't have any kind of gender dysphoria and they don't transition - and trans people don't think of their gender as being the same as their bio sex, and they usually don't regret having transitioned or want to get their transitioned bodies changed back to look like their bio sex again.

The way I see it I simply don't fit into either of those two boxes. Yes, I hold onto the "cis woman" thing but only to highlight the importance of my gender being the same as my bio sex. What I mean by thinking I'm not technically cis is I'm different from cis women in a huge number of ways. For all the reasons I transitioned and then detransition:
- Cause I didn't always think of my gender as being the same as my bio sex. For most of my life I have not. It's only these past 5 months that I have actually felt connected to being bio female and a woman.
- And cause I've always had some form of dysphoria (related to my sexed body traits) or another. Even now, as I struggle with my male traits.

My conclusion is: there's more than just cis or trans. I'm in a third category, or a mix of the two. Either perspective would be correct.

It doesn't make me feel bad to think of myself as neither/both. But I do like ruffling people's feathers with bringing up that concept, that detrans people are neither cis nor trans, we're something else or both at the same time. Same concept as that nonbinary stuff, huh? But the difference is that I'm not forcing my idea of a non-cis-non-trans person existing onto anyone else. I'm simply presenting it as an idea and as a feeling, on few occasions. Because I can have opinions about things without forcing others to agree with me.

Well, I guess they really managed to ruffle my feathers though... And I also guess I still am angry at "nonbinary culture" for being such an authoritarian moodkill. At least I present my ideas as options, as neatly wrapped gifts that I just place on the table and then let people take them if they want to. And I don't yell bigotry (cry wolf, much?) as soon as someone declines my ideas. I don't actually mind or care about people disagreeing with me, that's never been my issue. What I do mind is not being allowed to explain or defend myself. That they think it's fine and fair to just let an entire group of angry pisshats spew shit on me for god knows how many more hours while I'm being kept silent, forcibly. It's the figurative gag in my mouth that I'm pissed off and complaining about, not the shit I'm getting thrown at me. Cause if I had been allowed to throw shit too, it would have been a pretty fun or at least very fair, shit-throwing fight.

Isn't it funny that those who claim to fight for justice the most, inflict the most injustice of them all? Well, that's politics in a fucking nutshell. And probably why I got bored with it again. I'm too wise and too mature for politics. Cause to me it all just looks like adult kids having a sandbox fight. And eventually I always just roll my eyes and move on. Humans are never gonna get along, or end wars, or gain any sort of justice or freedom, if they keep attacking and dog-piling others like that. They lost the fight that they threw me into, cause they fight dirty and they fight without honour. I may not have a black belt in karate (yet) but I know a thing or two about how to fight fairly, and what even counts as a fight. Cause if it's not a fair fight... it's abuse.

If or when I get un-muted in that group, or if it all blows over and I'm expected to "behave", I'll leave the group. No true warrior lets herself get abused by her opponents. If your opponent fights dirty, they've lost the fight the moment they fucked up and you no longer have any obligations or responsibility for fighting to win. The fight is over the moment they fucked up. So you leave and let the unwise clean up their own mess. I deserve better than such insolence. Let's wrap it up with that, to walk away with my head held high and my pride unscathed.

Sexuality shift

A fair warning ahead: this gets kinda sexual cause my brain just... yeah, it's hopeless. Still got quite high sex drive these days! It's just hiding a little more.

I've started to notice more of a shift in my sexuality recently. I'm almost exclusively fantasising and thinking about women. It's my number one go to. Those fantasies are totally sweet, loving, sexy, intensely sexy... A good lesbian fantasy makes me cum so much harder than a good straight one. I wonder if I'm just in a period of being more attracted to women than ever before, or if I might actually have a preference for the same sex. I don't know, cause I've been in denial for so long. That finally letting those feelings blossom freely, might be leading to them showing me their true colours. My true preference.

Or maybe I'm just hoping I actually prefer women cause I don't wanna date men again anytime soon. That is totally possible too. And that decision might be causing me to kinda subconsciously choosing to prefer women, in a sense. That I just focus my fantasies on them and get uninterested whenever a guy pops up in my mind instead. Like nah, don't want that guy there!

Also another interesting thing about my sexuality that I've also kinda recently discovered... which I think is kinda awesome... It's very likely I'd be versitile with women. Meaning, I'd like to top as well as bottom. Or at the very least I really want to try topping another woman. Like take charge a little bit, giving, pleasing, and fucking her with a strap-on. Cause I think I'd really like that, as a woman myself. Cause when I stopped thinking of myself as a man, then topping as a concept became kinda... not so scary anymore? And with another woman, I feel there wouldn't be as much of an unequal power dynamic going on. I still would not want to top a man though. Cause there's an unequal power dynamic just cause of being different sexes. Or genders, or actually both.

I think for me to feel "equal" genderwise in a sexual relationship I'd have to be of both the same sex and same gender as my partner. As in, before as a trans man cis men were the same gender (how I saw it back then) but not the same sex, and vice versa with women they were same sex but not the same gender, which both made me feel it was unequal and therefore I couldn't stand the idea of me being in any sort of "leading" role sexually. That with women it would have been "too much power" on me as I saw it, and with men it would have just been weird and awkward, like as if I'd be pegging him. Well technically that's what it would have been.

Call me old fashioned if you wish but women being dominant over men, and sexually penetrating them, creeps me the fuck out. And that's what I saw in my own, slightly transphobic head when I thought of myself topping a guy. It creeped me out. But of course I have nothing against other people, other couples, being into that. It does have a cuteness factor to it when I take myself out of that picture. So it's totally fine when others do it, but not if it would be me. Just noooo way. It's such a turn off! The concept fascinates me, cause it's so unconventional, and maybe I want to be into it, but I'm just not, so yeah.

But with women it's different. Probably cause it's much more socially accepted for women to like being sexually penetrated in general, while for men it's still very taboo and considered gay. Even when it's a straight guy who only likes it with women! But even so, my feelings tell me I really don't see how it should matter which one penetrates who in gay relationships, whether male+male or female+female. Like if I'd date a woman who's much taller, bigger, stronger and more masculine than me... I'd still wanna fuck her! Same if she was much smaller, shorter, more feminine and dainty. Cause none of that stuff matters. It doesn't matter for which role you take on in bed. But yeah also cause pussies are much easier to fuck than asses. They're cleaner, more open, wetter... unf, sorry got distracted! And yes, I think pussies are way sexier than buttholes. So I'd much rather penetrate someone's pussy, although I wouldn't at all be against playing with a sexy woman's anus if she wanted that. I totally like ass too, it's not that. They're just... a little messier. But I'm not that squeemish... I'd totally love sticking my tongue into someone else's ass. Just saying.

But just... how could it not make me crazy turned on just thinking about lying on top op of a sexy woman and feel her entire body against mine, naked and horny for me, wrapping her arms and legs around me and really enjoying me fucking her? Myeah, I'm feeling my pussy responding very eagerly to that! And my hips... Fuck I'm gonna need to do something about that reaction! It got a little intense. Also I'm super tired so can't stay awake much longer anyhow. So I'll go fuck myself to sleep with that amazingly hot fantasy, I think. This entry got more sexual than I had intented, but what did I expect, huh? Oh well!

Distance and disconnect

I have to admit I'm in a sexual low now where I just can't get into that mood. For masturbation, yes, but not for sex with other people. I know why, but it's something I can't do anything about and it's frustrating me like fuck. It's because I can't fuck without boobs. I just feel so much that I need a pair of those on my chest to be able to enjoy sex with other people. Or rather, the fact that I don't have any boobs makes me too upset to even contemplate having sex with anyone. I'm trying to think like "but can't I just keep my bra on or something?" but it doesn't work. I tried that once but I just wanted for him to touch my chest... the boobs that weren't there. It hurt even more than being bare-chested. Masturbation works cause well I'm addicted for starters, but also cause in fantasy I can have boobs.

I hate it for every time I have to dig into this pain and admit it's fucking with me. On multiple levels. Sex while having a flat chest only worked before I detransed because I had not yet acknowledged these feelings and they were kept hidden deep in my mind where they couldn't bother me. Now that I've brought them up to the surface, they won't rest and I can't ignore them anymore. And it worked those two times after detransing cause those feelings hadn't yet shown me their true, ugly face, and I still managed to suppress them somewhat, by holding on to how it used to be before. But now I can't anymore.

I think that time has passed and my old methods are useless now. I think now the only way I could possibly make it work again before breast reconstruction, would be if I could find other strategies, to cope with this new dysphoria that has surfaced to stay. I don't even know what methods though, if wearing a bra doesn't work at all. I'd absolutely hate it if this shit forces me into yet another period of unwanted abstinence... well it's been a couple of months of it already and I've just kept trying to ignore my feelings, and work around them somehow, but no matter what I try I can't. Just can't make myself see anyone for sex. But I need and want sex... fuck this stings.

Cause I just embraced being bisexual and am finally trying to date other women for the first time ever... and now this?! No. Just no! I won't accept that. I just won't. It could be years until I can get that surgery... I need to think of something I can do to help coping in sexual situations until then. I wonder.... if I was with someone I could feel safer with and maybe even trust to some degree. Maybe that could make me feel good enough about my chest to enjoy sex and find that mood for it again. Could I really aim to get a girlfriend on that sort of premise though? And am I even ready for another relationship? Oh god, it would be so hard... but it might actually be worth it. I can't deal with dating men now, and uh, call me bigoted if you want to, but I think I only want to date cis women now. Bi or lesbian doesn't matter to me though.

And no, I would not feel great about possibly having to ditch a trans women for that reason alone... but FUCK I need a damn break from anything and everything trans in my dating life, especially for long term stuff. It would be too strenuous now and this detransing sucks the everloving life-force out of me. The last thing I need is a living breathing trigger of a girlfriend. Yeah I hate using the word "triggers/triggered" in terms of social stuff, but that's also something I have to admit. That I'm almost constantly actually getting triggered by trans people's transitions now, both ftm and mtf, because of my detransing.

I just cannot handle seeing or hearing about people wanting to change their bodies that way, or having changed them already. It gets my heart in a knot. Each to their own and all of that, but for myself, I need to take a distance from that stuff. I don't know how though. I don't want to stop talking to my trans friends who can't stop talking about their transitions or wanting to transition but at the same time I've also become so incredibly biased that I can't even possibly be encouraging of them doing that. I get silent or say something else instead, or keep it as brief as I possibly can and then feel like crap about it cause it got into my heart. I'm sorry but I'm in too much pain, cause transitioning is literally what caused that pain for me. And then getting myself triggered by it like that over and over and over again and again... it's not good. It feels like scratching open the same wound over and over, preventing it from healing. It needs to heal before I can scratch that area again. I need to say stop and take a step back, but even that I don't know how to.

So yeah, in dating I really need space from that stuff. Especially in dating. Cause nothing is as intimate and up-close as that. Also considering my most recent ex was Y, so that's a rather fresh scar as well. I think I really, really want to connect and build a beautiful relationship with woman who doesn't have any history of transitioning and isn't struggling with anything trans now, who's confident about her body and gender. Whom I could just curl up close to and hold softly tightly with my entire body and feel comforted by her warmth and calmness, without worrying about accidentally triggering some god damn random dysphoria that I was not aware of. And to explore her unaltered, natural body that's beautiful and sexy just the way it is... cover it with my kisses, every inch. And she'd not be insecure about showing me her every inch and let me close enough to touch, kiss and love all of her. And only then, I think I could do the same and feel good about it. No fuck, I think I'd feel absolutely amazing about it.

I need the influences of a woman like that... and then just hope I'll have something good I could give her too. I mean, except from my love, care, passion, kindness, charm and teasing. Perhaps I need to find someone who really needs those things as much as she can give me what I need. Well, wish me good luck with that, I guess... But a confident cis woman who's not intimidated by me, would be a good start, I think. Then take it from there.

I think maybe if I was loved like that, and treated gently, I could both enjoy sex intensely with her and my own arousal, as well as feel much less worried about being "bad in bed" as it would be my first time with another woman. Perhaps she'd even feel honoured by that I couldn't give away my lesbian virginity to just about any woman... that it had to be her, specifically. Whoever she may be.

I think I long for love and romance much more than I may want to admit. That too. So yeah, maybe I'll try to get into some actual dating, I dunno. I'll need to be careful, and keen on listening to myself. Also keep working on my half-assed meditation so I can learn to relax again, and trust my own body. That too, I think would also be very important for a relationship. I'm literally too disconnected from my own body and mind to truly connect to anyone else's body and mind. But I know I can change that, if I just try and give it a chance or two, and keep working on it. So I'll do that, as well as working on my communication skills or lack thereof. Someday soon I'll hopefully be dating material as well.

A gay day

Just a quick entry with a couple of today's thoughts. First two paragraphs I wrote around 10am this morning, the rest within the last hour or so. This entry is the total opposite to my previous one. It's been a good day. Wow, it's been a long time since I last said that. A good day? Was a while ago.

I just woke up and remember my dreams! One of them was really nice and woke me up with a smile. It was super gay and sweet. Lots of women flirted with me, and I was kissing, making out and just playfully goofing around with them. That was probably the nicest dream I've had in a very, very... very long time. Cause it was just so sweet, light-hearted and fluffy feel-good. No one treated me bad in that dream, and I didn't feel bad in any way, it was just flirty, cuddly and giggly. Soft, fun, sweet and sexy. And I was seen/treated as a woman, entirely, and also I had nice boobs that made me feel good about being topless and touched.

Because I haven't been able to remember my dreams since detransing until now, I don't know if boobs have been on me in any previous dreams or not. But if not, then this was the first dream of mine ever to show my body as looking different from what it actually looks like in reality. And that makes me smile really wide, cause that's very dysphoria alleviating! I felt so good and nice about my body in that dream. Like I had no discomfort about what I looked like and just thrived in all that cosy lesbian cuddling. The dream was only mildly sexual, like soft porn, I guess. Like there were no pussies involved in the dream, but all that deep french kissing and intense boob squeezing and topless flirting was really not straight. And everyone was horny for me and each other in that dream. Like it was just one huge lesbian orgy. I think it might have been a party, but I'm not sure, it was sometimes outdoors in like a sparse forest area and sometimes a city, and sometimes it was in indoors areas like someone's home. Maybe the frequent changing of settings represent that I have/will always love women regardless of where I am? I like that thought though.

Oh fuck, I'm on qruiser and this super hot woman messaged me... several hours ago and now we're in deep conversation. She lives far away though (in fucking south Sweden) but she invited me to go to a concert in Denmark with her and then go to her place and party and well yes also fuck... and I'm kinda seriously considering it. I mean, she's not just hot, she's pretty much the exact kind of girl I want to meet, near perfect damn it. So it's kinda hard to just say no cause of distance.

She looks kinda punk-rock butch and very hardcore but has like some sweetness to her as well and that's just super enticing for me. Also a great looking body as far as I can see from her photos. Kinda curvy thin and a bit muscular. If I had a type for women she would be it. She's around my age. Personality-wise I really dig her too. Like kinda brutal and very straight forward, but she's kind too and brags about being very good at giving amazing orgasms... Like is she for real even?! And yeah, she's definitely into women, told me she's been in serious relationships with women and isn't even into men. She thinks I'm really sexy too. Also, she's trans mtf. But that has no bearing on how I'm attracted to her and wanting to fuck her. I'm just kinda... ah, unf?

I think I've gotten a pretty good connection with her already too. Like at least I notice some kind of spark of sexiness going on between us. But granted, meeting in real life may be different. But in my experience, usually for the better. We'll see though, where that may or may not lead. But I think I'd at least really like just hanging out with her even if sex somehow turns out disappointing for one or both of us. But fuck I can't say I'm not excited about the possibilities! Oh, my! But I'll need to sleep now. After I've taken my vagifem and masturbated to some random fantasies about her. Considering how constantly horny I've been these past several hours, I think cumming will be way too easy. I'm gonna try to draw it out with some serious edging, I think.

Not to brag but I'm just literally too good at making myself cum, especially these days. If I'm not holding back and edging at least some 5-10 times, it's over in like 10 seconds and I'm too post-orgasm-hyper-sensitive to be able to continue. What a first world "problem" huh? But yeah, bed now. I'll catch ya' later.

I'll call this entry "A gay day" cause the word gay also means happy, so you've got a double-meaning there.

My bisexuality, and sexual mindfulness

I wrote the majority of this text yesterday, and intended to post it before i went to bed, but the power went out so I was unable to. The power was out from 9pm to 12am (midnight) by which time I had already gone to bed cause I had gotten bored with solving cross-word puzzles in candle light. However, the power must have gone out on the entire island, cause even the street lights went out. That made the night very, very dark. I went out for cigarettes 3 times during that intense darkness, with just my cell phone as a light source. And looked up at the sky... the most amazing black sky riddled with beautiful stars! And I saw two falling stars! I tried to take a picture of it, but the stars didn't show up on the camera at all. But damn it was pretty.

Anyhow, let's move on to the actual entry. But first a warning: this contains sexual content, especially in the last third, and may cause (un)wanted arousal. The topics are: first 2/3 is about my bisexuality and last 1/3 is about my sexual healing with masturbation.

Alright, yesterday I applied to join a few bisexual groups on facebook. One's a humour group about "bi culture", one's a support group that allows all LGBT people to join and is very trans-inclusive (but the vast majority seems to be bi cis), and one's a group only for bi and lesbian women over 18 but I'm unsure of its exact purpose. I've now been accepted into the first two of those three groups, but no notification yet from the last one. Okay I looked it up again and it appears my request to join must have been denied? Cause it doesn't say "request pending" anymore, it just says "join group". It doesn't say in the description or the rules that it only only allows Americans to join, but considering they asked where I'm from in the "questions to join" and I said Sweden, the only reason I can think of is that I was denied for my location. Or that they might have been suspicious of either my gender, age, sexuality, or my reasons for wanting to join. Or denied me because of personal info about me on my profile, such as my political- and/or religious stance. It's iffy, but yeah whatever.

I dreamed about my bisexuality this night. I don't remember the details of the dream but I remember the feelings from it. That I was ashamed, scared, worried, embarrassed, confused, and felt judged. Since joining and looking into the bisexual support fb group, I did notice there are quite many there who struggle with denial and accepting their sexuality. Someone even made a post about having been in denial about it for most of his life cause of childhood trauma and dissociation, and that it took a lot of extensive therapy for him to finally come to terms with it and accept it. And there was an entire thread where several bi women expressed insecurity and shame for not having been with women yet despite being "old". The majority of them are at my age, around 30. Some even younger.

I want to write a story, fiction, that includes female bisexuality somehow. Maybe also detransition. Possibly wanna include a trans woman somewhere as well. If it's gonna centre around someone detransing, I think it would make sense that person has a lot of trans friends and/or connections to the trans community. However if they're a detransing woman, would be more likely that character has trans men friends rather than trans women friends, but could of course have both. Maybe I'd also wanna include DID stuff. Yes, and trauma. But I've no ideas for an actual plot.

In movies etc about DID I do recognise myself in what it's like having an alter, in living with the long term effects of trauma, in having a very "split" or fragmented sense of self, in not recognising yourself even when you look into a mirror, etc. Severe dissociation can do that by the way, and I've always felt like I'm looking at a stranger in the mirror, regardless of which gender it shows me as. It's not about the gender. Like obviously I recognise the face and know it's mine, but I feel a very strong emotional detachment to it, that makes it feel and look "unreal" like "I don't actually look like this but I've no idea why or how". And yeah, having transitioned with testo has massively increased that detachment. I always feel like a "who are you? I don't know this face" every time I look in a mirror or look at a picture of myself. I recognise it, but I do not recognise it as mine. It's not a panicky or scared disconnect, it's a calm confusion. It doesn't spark fear, and quite often it actually is a kinda good feeling that I can very easily emotionally reject my own face as my own by just... kinda agree with the dissociation and letting it do its thing. It allows me to not deal with how I actually feel about it.

Actually, when I first thought of writing my story about Malik and Tarsem, the "Suburban night watchers" story, it sprouted from just one sentence. I was out for a cigarette some evening a few weeks before I started writing it, when I suddenly thought to myself: "I wanna write a story about a guy who falls in love with a rapist" and that was my first idea that eventually led to that entire story and those characters.

But back to my bisexuality cause that's what I really wanna write about. I don't think I have at any point previously. Or, at least not in depth. I think about my bisexuality and inevitably it leads me to all of my intimate/flirting experiences with woman. There has been a few, but none of them led very far. They all feel to me like "failed attempts" at connecting and getting something good out of it. I don't think I had high demands on any of the women I tried to connect with, but I wanted sex and often got the hint or even the promise, that it was gonna happen, but then it never did and so... yeah, that disappointed me. But even more so, their deceptiveness and playing with my feelings bothers me more. That, I think, has probably a lot to do with my reluctance and discomfort with pursuing dating women. Cause I have tried, and it not go well.

My first kinda gay experience was when I was 17 and the guy classmate I was having my first few straight sexual experiences with at the time, who knew I was bi, asked me one day if I would be interested in a threesome with him and a female friend of his. She was 16, kinda cute and kinda hot but not like extremely so. Blonde, a bit overweight but not really fat. She had beautiful curves, but I don't remember what her face looked like anymore. I didn't feel much for her at first, but when her clothes came off I was definitely attracted. I've forgotten her name. He had invited her over when I stayed at his place one day. It didn't become much of a threesome, cause I was barely even included. I was still uncertain of giving up my virginity to him and still at that point I said "no" to him penetrating me, which he accepted despondently and went ahead to fuck her instead while I watched them. She let me kiss her and touch her breasts, and I kissed him a bit too, but ultimately it was them having sex and I was just there.

But I really did enjoy kissing her and touching her boobs. I think I kissed her nipples too. Like they were just soooo soft and incredibly sexy, I was in total awe. It was the first time I had ever felt another girl's breasts. They were large, maybe DD- or even E-cups. But she was uninterested and it eventually started to feel like she just let me do that to "give a show" for him, so when I started noticing her disinterest, it put me off. She didn't touch me at all and she barely responded to my kisses. At first I didn't know if she was just shy and nervous, but then I figured out that she wasn't there for me at all... and I felt, yeah, really fucking rejected and unwanted. Like I had expected that she agreeing to a threesome meant she wanted at least some intimacy with me, but that was clearly not her intentions. I don't think I was acting rapey at all, I mean come on I was 17 and truly thought she wanted my touch, and as soon as I noticed she wasn't into it, I stopped. I don't know if she was even into women at all, but I got the impression that she was not. But of course it's possible that she was just not into me. Either way, that "threesome" was a total flop.

Then in my early 20's, meaning the entire span of ages 20-23-ish, I did end up making out with a few women at parties, but they too, were never actually interested. Like it was just them being drunk straight women who thought it was exciting to kiss other women at parties and touch each others' tits, but they could never do pussy. I was out as a trans guy at that point, but I didn't exactly pass (my voice always revealed I was female) and I always told everyone that I had a female body, simply because I wanted sex. So they did reject me because they were not into women, even though I was living as a guy.

Then I met her, the woman who ended up in a relationship with one of my crushes at the time whom I had a vaguely sexual relationship with at parties. We three agreed that we were all allowed to kiss each other and make out, but nothing directly sexual. But then one day I ended up going on an Åland cruise with them and another mutual friends of ours. And when we got back to Uppsala after that cruise, I ended up agreeing with the couple to have a threesome with them. Apparently I had not learned from my previous threesome flop mistakes, and this second one became much the same. Before we went to bed she said that she thought I had already fully transitioned, to which I didn't really know what to say cause I had never said anything such and thought she knew, and it caught me off guard but I said something like "no... I'm barely even on testosterone..." either way, I was honest with her. She was disappointed by that but still seemed to want me in bed with her and her boyfriend. I tried to shake it off, but from then on I knew I could just throw all of my expectations and wishes in the trash.

And well. They had sex with each other while I lied next to them, but they were both keen on not showing their private parts to me. I displayed myself fully. Of course I respected their choice but it felt very unequal and like we should have discussed the "rules" first. I kissed him and touched his chest a bit, and I kissed her too. But that was it. I asked them if I was allowed to do any actual touching and they said very hesitantly "no" while really beating around the bush about it but I wasn't stupid so I took the hint with the sugar-coating and kept my hands to myself. She had told me at some point much earlier that she was bi too. But that was the biggest god damn lie ever. An actually bi woman would not be disappointed to know someone she's clearly attracted to has a female body, and show such clear disinterest in any sort of female on female intimacy. I knew it wasn't just her not being specifically into me all of a sudden, she lost interest because of me having female parts. So I'm promptly revoking her "bi card". At least her boyfriend was openly honest about being straight and confused about his attraction to me as a trans guy at the time. And for that, I respect him much more. But oh well. So that "threesome" was another total flop.

And sometime after that I started feeling an internal anger towards women who literally fooled me to think they were into me when they were actually straight women who didn't wanna go near my pussy or have their pussies anywhere near me. I felt duped and used. Like they just "used" my bisexuality to get some "gay experience" like it was just some sort of game for them. And I categorise these kind of women as a term I've only rarely heard used by others: "bistraightuals." Meaning straight people pretending to be bisexual. They're usually women wanting male attention by kissing girls but sometimes I think it's really just them thinking it's harmless party fun. How they're different from "bicurious" women is that these particular women KNOW they're not into women, but give a very deceptive perception of that they are.

Bistraightual men seem to be far more rare, but I've met a few of them too. They're the ones who've pretended to be into men out of courtesy when they've been attracted to me (as a trans guy), to then later on come clean and admit they're actually only into women. I've been upset by the male bistraightuals as well, but not so much cause ultimately they were attracted to me and lied with good intentions, but the female bistraightuals have really upset me with their god damn lies and games. Maybe I'm a total party pooper, but that's just assholery, really. If straight women wanna do that with each other cause it may be a quick way to get dick, I've got no problem with it, but for fuck's sake don't play games with actually bi and lesbian women's feelings.

It's almost bordering to being homophobic, or at least very insensitive to people with a same sex attraction. It almost implies that these sort of people view homo- and bisexuality as a "lifestyle" or a fashion statement. But really, just don't tell and show people that you're "very sexually interested" in them, to then ten minutes later slither away with a "oh I'm not even into your bio sex at all, it was just for fun, no hard feelings" cause I swear to Satan... that's the kinda thing that makes it harder for me to trust people, and it's what makes me lose hope in humanity.

And so I think my such experiences have made me kinda wary of women's intentions when they show sexual interest in me. I always take a step back, look them up and down to try to see if they're actually honest, and ask: are you REALLY into me? And that too makes me insecure about trying to date women. Cause I've literally had several experiences of women outright PRETENDING to be into me, and that just hurts. I really don't wanna end up with more deceptive bistraightuals on my hands. Been there, done that. Had enough of it!

But I also have to, although I know it's not entirely nice, but for the sake of my conflicted feelings, count in Y to my gay experiences. Not denying his male-aligned gender or his wish to be seen as male, but I cannot look beyond his biological reality being the same as mine. At the time I felt bad that I felt our relationship was gay, in a totally politically incorrent way. I felt that it was the gayest relationship I had ever been in thus far, both because our genders were the same (as I saw it and felt back then) and because our bio sex was the same as well. It felt double-gay in a sense that I thought he never would have wanted for me to highlight. I felt like my feelings were being transphobic, plain and simple. But I got a relief from that feeling cause for once I could actually think of a situation I was in as 100% gay and not both straight and gay at the same time.

And I always thought that the sex I had with him was kind of lesbian. I struggled with that feeling in me, and I felt like I could not express it or discuss it with him. I felt like that would have been important. As it had a lot to do with both my internalised lesbophobia and how I viewed both him and myself. And me hiding that feeling from him caused even more tension within me. Like I blamed myself for feeling that way, yet I couldn't change it. I loved him for who he was, both his mind and his body. But I also knew, that I likely would not have been sexually attracted to his body if I had not been into women. That chafed. That I loved his body as I would have loved a woman's body, but I loved his mind as I would have loved a man's mind. I saw both and loved both, but for different reasons. I felt like it would have been very dysphoria-inducing for him if I had told him that, and it felt like my feelings were wrong.

But I think that now, a little less harsh on myself, I can't say that sex with Y wasn't at least female on female sex, even though it was not woman on woman sex. I can't look beyond a female physical reality and truly think of it as male, but I can absolutely love and appreciate a female physical reality and treat it as though it is male. But I also think that the reason why I can do that latter thing, is because I am bisexual and therefore appreciate and have the capacity to love both female and male bodies, while also being able to love both female and male minds, separately and together. Which combination of either mind+body or physical traits, does not matter for my ability to love and be sexually attracted. But what my feelings tell me is that regardless of his body I still saw his mind as male, but also that regardless of his mind I still saw his body as female.

So thus, my feelings viewed my relationship with him as gay, as in between two guys loving each other, but the sex we had as gay, as in between two females. And I still feel the same way about that. However I wasn't truly male-gendered so maybe in restospect the relationship was kinda straight, but then it gets actually complicated and I don't have the energy or wish to get into that can of worms right now, so let's just leave it at that.

But I digress. I meant to only briefly bring up my stance on trans people in regards to my bisexuality, in the meaning that it is my belief that my attraction to both mtf's and ftm's is largely because of my bisexuality. I don't see it as that I'm in any way sexually attracted to neurological gender, I'm only sexually attracted to bodies. But of course I am romantically attracted to people's minds which does include how they perceive their gender. But, the way I see my sexual orientation is that I'm biSEXual, as in I have a sexual attraction to people of both sexes, not both genders. Although it includes both genders. Theoretically it includes anything anyone would want to call a gender, cause it doesn't change how or if I'm attracted to their bodies.

So I'm kinda trying to say that I view sex with anyone with a female equipment as lesbian sex but still view trans men as men and if I'd be in a relationship with one (again) I'd regard that connection as straight, as I'm a woman and he'd be a man. Because I view my sexual orientation as being towards sex and not gender and the way I simply feel about my actual sexual experiences is what's happening with the genitals. If I somehow need to explain why I'm so focused on genitals when it comes to sex: because that's literally what's being used during the act. And because sex is largely a very physical experience for me. Touch and sight are probably the senses I'm the most keen on when I'm fucking. So then if I see a dick, and feel a dick then I'm gonna zoom the fuck in on that male organ and probably forget about the rest of the person. It's not personal. Literally. It's me getting very unpersonal and I'm objectifying cis and trans and male and female people just as extremely much and equally when I'm at it.

But yeah, I just don't intend to be transphobic but if my sexuality somehow is... well, I can't help it. Hot take, but maybe the actual problem here is not how I view men and women in regards to my sexuality, but rather dysphoric people sometimes being so fucking cranky that their expectations on cis people frankly have gotten unreasonable. Like they should then get a fucking grip on themselves and stop letting their dysphoria get out on cis people cause we "don't love you the right way". We're trying. This is really just the best thing I could do about it in regards to trans people, to separate sex and gender but I still have to acknowledge and respect that my own sexuality is towards sex, not gender.

I just wanted to get a better overview on how I see my attraction going to both sexes and why I have to count my experiences with Y as "lesbian" even though I know that's wildly problematic. That I see it that way simply because I differentiate bio sex from gender. My intent is NOT to be hurtful to him or trans men in general, or to trans women cause this applies to them as well, but that I also don't think I should have to apologise for something I simply cannot change about myself when I'm trying to be as kind about it as possible.

But I think that's all I can think of in terms of my bisexuality right now, at least without going all the way down into the dissociation stuff and internalised misogyny and internalised lesbophobia and that mess. I can't really reach it right now, but I think at least what I described about the "bistraightuals" explains quite a lot of my distrust in women for dating.

But now to something completely different and far more positive and uplifting.

I just masturbated and tried something that I've never done before: fingered myself. The experience was more than just amazing, okay it felt like I was orgasming before I was even orgasming. The buildup was super intensely pleasurable and long-lasting. That I could feel my own contractions and the wet softness inside, my body's positive response sucking my fingers into myself yearning for my own touch, that I enjoyed both the touch and the act of touching hightened my pleasure in a circular, ever ramping up pattern of pleasure causing pleasure until I exploded in an amazing, wild orgasm that had me moaning and gasping and spasming uncontrollably.

And it taught me that no matter how awful I once felt about my pussy, no matter how intensely I've once hated it, no matter how thoroughly disgusted and upset I've been by its existence... I now love it unconditionally and I love loving it and giving it the most intensely loving experiences I possibly can. This is not just masturbation; it is ultimately, making love to myself. This is relishing in the inexplicably intense satisfaction and relief of a nearly lifelong wound that has now completely healed and shows no signs of even the slightest scarring. I'm at the brink of tears for how absolutely beautiful this feeling is. It feels more beautiful than any love that any other person could possibly give me. I can with complete honesty and love in my heart say that my pussy is beautiful, it is sexy and a truly amazing part of my body that I am more than just grateful for having been blessed with. I adore it. I do not think that people who've never hated their pussies could ever experience this kind of love for their pussies. And I also think that this is not just a normal experience of being cis.

It catches me thinking, in the pause of a breath, that this love... is literally because of my trauma, the pain of my past dysphoria, my mistake of transitioning and the agony of regretting it. Without all that pain, I would never have come to find and experience this love from my own caress. It tears at me, as though it's pulling me in two opposing directions. I still struggle to forgive myself for the pain I've put myself through due to denial and not listening to myself, but I can appreciate, at least partially, that pleasure that grows from pain is really exquisite and extra sweet. Give me time to forgive me for my pain, and I'm sure I'll come to appreciate it too.

But in this sense, I really do believe that I've healed a huge wound that was connected to my trauma, by jerking off. But it wasn't the masturbation itself, it was how I went about it. It was my mindset, my goals, my methods, my patience. It was that through masturbation that I learned to truly listen to my body and not reject its signals. That journey started when I began exploring anal about a year and a half ago, because I for the first time started paying utmost attention to every slightest sensation I got from my exploration, and the result I got was not just very nice orgasms, but a new, very fulfilling pleasure that was much more psychological than physical. With that, I noticed a connection between my mind and the sexual parts of my body that I wasn't really aware of before.

It might sound silly, but for several months I used buttplugs as a comfort blanket. Because me using them somehow tapped into a psychological nerve or something, it let me reach a state of relaxation and comfort that was not even sexual but much more like meditation. It soothed me to my core. But I became addicted to it and eventually I wore a plug in nearly 24/7 and only took a couple of hours break from it per week. Eventually it made my ass too sore and I had to take a longer break of several weeks. The way my mind reacted to stopping the use of plugs was intensely negative. It felt like my mind was craving a drug. My ass got better eventually, but I could never reach that feeling of inner peace from anything anal again, and I do mourn the loss of that feeling. But it did show me a possibility I never thought could exist: perfect alignment between my body and mind. It literally, temporarily removed my dissociative fog.

And it hits me now that's what I've been trying to achieve. To disperse the constant mist of dissociation and truly connect to myself. It also hits me, that it might actually quite possibly have been this meditative sexual exploration, starting already over a year ago, that was my very first hint of a step towards my detransition. In the sense that it let me start dispersing my dissociative mist, wich might likely have revealed previously hidden feelings that I have about my body and gender. Feelings that I had dissociated away from, that I then, kinda accidentally, brought up to the surface.

Then about a year after my anal adventures, I approached the same principle with my vag. But much more and more in depth. Pun not intended... Cause not only did I listen to my body's signals about the physical sensations, I also listened to my subconscious mind's signals of what it wanted in regards to my plans on srs and whether to keep the vag or not. That was my goal, to masturbate myself to a decision, but I had a very meditative, self-reflective and therapeutic perspective to my prodding. And that I had my mind fully in on it, as in a total awareness sort of thing, while exploring myself physically, it became a full-body, full-mind and both combined experience that, to my belief, completely healed my emotional wound.

Perhaps I do keep "medicating" it by keeping up with these experiences of sexual mindfulness. But I mean I really don't mind doing that! And I'd love to keep at it with the hands on self love for the rest of my life. For as long as I can physically do it, I will. Even as an old lady I'll still grab my own pussy as much and often as I want to.

I could never before willingly stick my fingers in there, let alone keep them in there. Cause it just grossed me out so bad, and it made my dysphoric feelings completely hit the roof. To even go anywhere near that hole with my hands made me feel really anxious and distressed. I couldn't even stand accidentally getting the wetness on my clit. And pre-transition I didn't even know that fingering myself was something that I could do. It hadn't struck my mind, and no one talked about it or did it on me back then. But I think I wouldn't have wanted to even if I had known about that being possible to do. I did, all the way up to until this year, feel like my genitals were "unclean" even when they were newly washed. It was a mental feeling of being tainted for simply having a pussy. I kinda thought of that area on my body as some kind of nasty swamp that just couldn't even get clean. When masturbating before, I did avoid direct contact with my hands/fingers there as much as possible. Like by using a vibe and/or dildo and not putting my hands directly on things there.

So, for me to now, for the first time ever, just reach in and feel around... and so fully enjoying it with no negative feelings of grossness at all... that was huge. And yep, of course I'll do it again!