Constant worry

I should be worrying about the right thing, but my brain just sort of picks its choice without my consent. I think that if I really have to worry about something, it should at least be something worth worrying about. I really should do something about that worry, before this anxiety just gets worse and worse. I know that when my stomach hurts and I start rocking myself on a daily basis, it's not a good thing.

Aside from that, there hasn't been much change these last few days. I've started on a new embroidery project again, which I thought was gonna be rather big considering the sketch I drew on a A3 sized paper, but when I calculated it the final result will barely be a quarter of that size. I need to buy more sewing thread in green, pink, grey and blue. I use a lot of shading effects with colours close to each other and blending them to create even closer shades. So when light grey combined with white is too dark, I have to get an even lighter shade of grey.

This is why I keep using normal sewing thread, cause then I have a lot more colours to choose from, than I would if I had used that special kind of embroidery yarn. For the piece I'm working on right now I use: four shades of beige for the skin tone, two green for the eyes, three grey/white for the hair and three red/pink for the lips. Altogether that is twelve different shades for a 10x20 cm artwork.

Overdoing it? Nah, I need to keep it interesting to not get bored by filling in large areas of the same colour. What else do I do? Well, yeah I'm still playing WoW, but not as much as before. I've probably gone from 12 hours a day to around 7 hours. Tried/trying to get highest possible reputation with all horde basic factions, but the blood elves "Silvermoon City" is just a damn pain in the ass, to be perfectly honest. I'm stuck halfway from revered to exalted, and there are no more quests to do. My only option is doing dungeons wearing their tabard.

The thing is that the higher level my character gets, the harder it is for me to do dungeons. At level 15-20 it's easy, I know the map and it's all pretty basic. I can do that with mild to moderate anxiety. Up at around levels 30 through 40 it's getting harder, more confusing and beyond the basics. I can do that with moderate to bad anxiety. Beyond level 60 it's hard, very confusing, I feel embarrassed, guilty, like I'm doing everything wrong and now we're talking really severe anxiety. IT'S JUST A GAME. Well, life is a game too.

Sleepless tonight

I think maybe my arm warmers will grow stuck my arms in due time. I didn't even notice I have them on today, until now. And being without them, even for just a minute feels weird and sort of naked. Dreading the day I will have to wash them. Three whole hours that I won't be able to wear them! Catastrophe!

I've started another embroidery piece, as I got the tip on making band patches. Found that FGFC820 has a pretty simple logo, so I start off with that one. Besides, they have become one of my favourite bands now. Though I listen to so many different band's music nowadays, it's hard to figure out which ones to make patches of. Maybe it will just come to me.

It's five o'clock again and I'm still awake. Just waiting for the Imovane to kick in, and listening to Sigur Rós that has a calming effect on me. Sad songs, but calming in a way. I just had a re-run on "Vanilla Sky", one of my favourite films all time. I recognise myself so much in the main character, except for him being rich and pretty, and I'm not. So many good quotes in it that sticks to my mind. Like when Julie asks David "What is happiness to you?" and I sometimes try to answer that question myself, but I still can't find an answer.

I'm one of those hopelessly tragic people who could wait a whole lifetime for that one true love, to have a perfect body, to live a happy life. Those are nice dreams for sure, but they're unrealistic. To make this one special person fall in love with me, to change body into looking a lot more masculine, to live on a constant hight rush of creative energy and inspiration.

It's seven o'clock and I'm still awake. Think I broke my record of too much cutting in only one day, today. It's like I can't stop once I've started, and I never really know what gets me started either. But just checking the healing process of my earlier made wounds can be a trigger, I guess. That, and this horrible night time anxiety which is related to my hypnophobia. It's still there, and still making my life shit.

Distractions

Tonight I'm gonna see if it's possible to get up on the roof top of my house. No, I'm not gonna jump. Just wanna sit somewhere up high, challenge my fear of heights and enjoy the view.

I bought minty cigarettes cause I just got the idea in my head, and it was a while ago since I tasted such. They contain less nicotine, so it's also good if I can lessen my nicotine consumption that way. I got an appointment with a therapist (?) of some sort in early November, to help me quit smoking, but I figure if I can do some on my own it's good. Will keep smoking regular cigarettes as well though, but it's still one step on the way.

I suddenly got the feeling that I on some level actually do want to quit smoking, because it will so totally be worth it, if it really means getting my surgery as soon as possible. Looking forward to it so much! Everyday when I get my mail delivered I eagerly rip the envelopes apart hoping for it being from Karolinska. No news so far though.

I've gotta open a window before it becomes a suicide by cigarette smoke, sort of thing.

I'm embroidering a bit again, or well, it kinda comes and goes. I'm working on another piece on the side of the big one. This other pattern or what to call it is a bit simpler and more "free style". I don't follow an exact pattern, more like a general idea that I also keep adding stuff to. It's silly really, an eye with a dilated pupil, and there's a broken heart in it. It's crying blood and I think I will add some runny make up as well. It could be cool in an emo-ish way, sort of heartache/lovesickness inspired.

I'm totally happy about going to Uppsala this week, by the way! I've even started packing already. Been so damn long, can't even remember when I was to dMz last time. Must have been either fall 2011 or winter/spring 2012. Over a year ago in other words, maybe even two years. I'm gonna see as many of my friends as possible (or until I pass out from stress overload), buy a lot of shit I can't find in Visby and then go back home broke and worn out.

Darkened thoughts

01:12

I can feel the vein in my left temple pounding when I put my finger on it. The headache is worse now, pounding on my left side. A moment ago I started screaming, hitting my forehead and threw the embroidery across the room. It isn't going so well right now, I keep messing up my calculations and I don't wanna start making stitches on a whim. It's frustrating, so I put the embroidery away for a while. The energy drink tastes strange and sticks to the gum in my mouth. There's even a fly in it. Disgusting, but what else am I gonna do?

I’m more scared of sleeping than ever now, thanks to this headache. That's just great, make me hate myself even more why won't you!? What's your next move, night terrors? I ever allow myself to sleep again. I will stay awake until Wednesday when I’m off to the meeting with my psychiatrist, that's one and a half day, or 33 hours to be more precise, from now. With a mass load of caffeine and sugar I will make that possible with no doubt. I’m also eating again, which makes it even easier. Or simpler rather, cause sleep deprivation is never easy. Chosen or not.

03:19

I think I’m getting suicidal again... well, not so much literally, or how to say it, I really don't know. I have no plans, not even actual thoughts about it. Just this vague feeling that is sort of lingering. A feeling of how sweet death could be, to finally just end it all. All this suffering and despair. But when I think about the only method that I know will work: jumping, my heart starts racing and I get chills or something, that icy feeling in my gut. I look upon that feeling and feel disdain towards it. How horrible it would be to jump from that high. I don't even know where I could find such a place to throw myself from. My house is way to low, and I don't know any other building that could qualify a certain death. I suppose a suicide like that doesn't need much planning but to find a spot, but I don't want to do it, I’m not ready. Not yet.

It's just that I have this other prophecy thing, that I won't ever be lucky in love. I’m not lucky in anything, but I need this. Who doesn't need love? But to get a message like that, a fucking prophecy, saying you will never experience that is a little over the top. It darkens my thoughts, my smiles and every single feeling. That I’m destined to become lovesick every time I fall in love with someone, and in every relationship I won't be in love with my partner. That hurts, and I wish with all of my broken heart that isn't true, because if it is... I don't wanna think about that. But I do, and that's what leads me to these gnawing feelings that it might be better if I just died. But I don't want to give up, I want to prove that prophecy wrong, and as they say in the Angel series, prophecies aren't always true.

When darkness falls

So I walked down the street and thought to myself: who would I like to eat? Attraction doesn't always have to be sexual. That totally made my usual people watching a lot more fun!

I’m crying, and I have been crying all the way to Ica and back home. At first I couldn't tell if it was just because my eyes weren't used to wearing make up, but you don't snivel this much because of the mascara. I was upset about something I read about my love, so I decided to go for that hike and buy those groceries I needed, to get it off my mind. This time I had an actual trigger for cutting myself. Anna said: “Let's go now” to which I replied: “Yes, before this sting in my heart turns into a hole.” Apparently, it didn't help. No matter how much I thought about eating strangers for dinner...

Firefox is still acting like an idiot. It's slower than my ass and keeps on crashing all the time. I tried to restart it a couple of days ago, but it didn't help. Perhaps it just needs an update or two. And I need an update myself... I saw the bike still lying where I saw it a few days ago, but I didn't take it. Think it will be best if I wait until it's dark before I go around stealing shit.

Realising this embroidery of mine is gonna take ages to complete. I’m working on a door at the moment, and after five or so hours I’m almost done with the frame! It's very small stitches and very many, in different colours, following an exact pattern. Don't even know what it's gonna look like when (or if) it gets done. Well, I’m onto that now.

My dark paradise

Oh, the fuck is this? I’m tired again, with elusive feelings. It's like I’m changing between being energized and lethargic, several times a day. This insomnia is starting to take its toll, my mind just start separating its parts and they drive apart. Somewhere. Divides me and makes everything intangible and hazy. At least I can somewhat focus on my embroidery, but of course I did a few mistakes, but I just work around them instead of correcting. It's a fucking tree, it doesn't need to look perfect. Then I need to figure what to do after I’m finished with the tree.

An open door, I think. And the door should be made of really old broken wood planks, golden handle and antique hinges. Brick wall around the door, just by the edges, fading out. Cats. I’ve gotta have cats in the picture! What should be shown on the other side of the door? First I thought bats, but it'll be better if they are outside/around the door instead. Since it's gonna be a dark, sorta gothic picture, maybe the door leads to a light, green garden or something like that? Can't be too much details though, there's a limit to how small cross-stitches I can make. About 2 square millimetres, so it is a little finicky. It's gonna be my dark paradise.

That's about as far I’ve got regarding planning what the final picture should look like. A little of everything, in other words. Perhaps a little Alice in Wonderland inspired. Or just old houses, and the dead trees and bats in Tirisfal Glades in WoW. Love that zone, by the way, the starting zone for Undead. Which also is my favourite playable race. We'll see how far I’ll get with this embroidery before I’ll run out of inspiration...

Shades of brown

I'm back on embroidering and have finished the text-part. At first I planned on making the whole picture in black, white and shades of grey, but now I consider doing it in colour. Next up is to make a dead tree, and now I’m glad I chose to use normal sewing thread, cause my grandmother left me a lot of that in various colours. I have five shades of brown I’m gonna use for the tree, along with a little red to make it look like it bleeds. Gonna be awesome, but I will have to make an exact sketch on how I want it to look. It's very annoying when I make mistakes and have to undo large areas.

How did I manage to stab myself with a blunt embroidering needle? Right underneath my nail, kinda hurt and bled a little. Except for that I find it a lot more satisfying embroidering on a cloth/canvas made for that than on a normal piece of cloth. With perfect little squares and working with a blunt needle I won't prick my fingers with every other minute. It's a lot easier to undo mistakes without having to cut off the thread.

Finally my adblock installation on Firefox is working, and how sweet it is not having to see all those ads showing up! Especially annoying are those with sound coming from them when you mouse over. I’ve just began embroidering the tree with the darkest shade of brown. I have a vague memory of doing so last time I embroidered something, working with one colour at a time. It really wouldn't work otherwise, since it's quite a complex mixture of the colours. Really should buy a checkered note pad for the sketches, it's quite tedious making all the little squares on blank paper. I’ll post another picture on Dayviews when the tree is done.