Distinction

Dreamt about K tonight. That was a while ago since last time. In this dream we were a couple, or at least very close friends. I don't remember any details though, only that we talked a lot. My dreams are kinda soft like that, rarely any action of that kind.

Didn't take my pills before I went to bed early this morning, so I only slept for a few hours. I realise I can't really sleep much at all without my sleeping pills. Perhaps not so strange, since I take them for a reason. I shifted back to the dark me yesterday by the way. I felt it the entire day that it was going to happen, but it wasn't until I got the bad news that one of my favourite cats had passed away that it happened, while I was on the phone with my mother.

I don't know if she noticed any change in the way I talked during the phone call. She didn't mention it. It's very much triggered, that shifting thing. I was worried a lot during the day before the phone call which was what lead me to be close to shifting, but the actual trigger was the bad news my mother gave me.

She will be missed, fluffy grey little Whitney. That was her name, the cat. Don't know if you care, but I do. I don't want to go into details, but she didn't suffer at least. I'm just trying to stay strong and pushing away the tears, won't allow myself to break down.

The light me is also triggered, but reversed. It' when something good happens instead.

This is not the real me, it doesn't feel like the real me. More like... the demon. Half human, half demon, of course that's what it's about. The dark me is not evil, but it is my demonic side. I just figured out yesterday. Maybe that's why it scares me, my dark side. So maybe this is a delusion, if I really believe that the demon in me is a secondary personality.

So much has happened this past year, I don't recognise myself half the time. Am I part demon, part human in my soul or am I just delusional to the point of splitting myself up in two categories, two distinct personalities? If I could at least have somewhat common Schizophrenic delusions, then maybe setting that diagnosis on myself would be much easier. That it would be easier to pin down, I mean.

Sometimes I think I'm too smart for my own good. That I just entangle myself in theories and observations but I can't see myself objectively enough. What is crazy, and how crazy am I really? If only I could know for sure.