Let it be

How did six hours just disappear? Oh, great... I'm losing time again. Time. That is a strange concept, for all I know. And losing it? Isn't that all we do with time, anyways? I mean, how does one hold on to it? I don't know where those hours went or what I did during them, but it could be that I've just forgotten, or that I didn't do much at all for that time. What is time, anyway? I don't believe it's a straight line or that clockworks and calenders can measure ut. It doesn't have a pace or rythm; it goes fast or slow depending on what we do with it, and how much time we have experienced. It's unclear to me if it's because I've lived a lot already that I feel like time can't keep up with me rather than the opposite. Or if it's because I've lived before but don't for how long or even how many times, that I don't really get it. It's rather confusing, all of that.

So, it's 6:50 in the morning. Do I plan to be up all day as well? I dunno, it's possible. I mean, it's not like I ever plan anything. Or I do sometimes, but not as a precise schedule or anything. It's a vague idea for something I might or might not end up doing. I can't make up a plan and expect to be able to go through with it, unless it's very simple. Like "I plan to have spaghetti for dinner", or "I plan to see my psychologist on Thursday". But I can't plan to stay up the whole day cause I don't know if I'll be able to go through with that or if I'm gonna be snoring in my bed in three hours. I couldn't force myself to stay awake if I get in that kinda situation, or whatever I shall call it. Call it lack of self control, perhaps. That's what I do, cause I don't know how else to explain it. So I guess it will do.

It might sound, or look like I'm making excuses for myself. I really don't, and hope you know that. I'm just looking for answers, explanations and reasons for every little fucking detail in my messed up brain. Sometimes I dread that by doing so, I'm messing it up even more. It's like when I try to do some cooking, I put so much effort it it and taste it and change it and fix and poke, wanting it to become better but it all tastes like shit and all I do is making it worse. All I want is to be able to just let it be.