A new era

Have I gone through some sort of personality change since I moved into my new apartment!? Cause a lot of shit has been going on. Right now I focus on the possitive things that's been, rather than the negative. (Yes I can actually do that, I'm not that moody). A lot of self realisation, motivation, memories I've dealt with and memories that's been unlocked that I didn't know about before.

The times are changing, and I think I'm stepping into a new era. It's rather intriguing, like my vision is changing. How I view myself, the world around me and my place in it. Revealing my darkness and making something good come out of it. Somedays it's been too much to handle (no shit, I ended up in the psych ward because of it), and it was hard in the beginning, sometime between April and May, but it's getting more stable now. It has been more stable for two weeks now! I'm eating every day, sleeping every night with one exception, taking pills that actually seem to work and feeling eager to learn more about life and myself. Come to an understanding and que sera sera and so on.

I guess you could call it some sort of spiritual awakening, though I'm not sure what to call it to be honest. I'm actually trying to make my life better, more meaningful or worth living. I stand my ground and make sure the psychologists and doctors respect me, hear my words and I won't take no for an answer for something they are obligated to do for me. They've been sitting on their asses for way too long and if dragging them off their chairs is the only way to deal with them - that's what I'm gonna do!

I'm on a diet and have been keeping it up for over a month which made me lose 10 kg and I won't back down before I reach my goal at 60 kg and only then I'm gonna start eating other stuff as well as working out like an idiot at the gym. I'm gonna try hearing aid as soon as the doctors' vacation is over. I've discovered more about why I'm so fucked up and how I got where I am today. Finally made up my mind that I am bisexual no matter how many men and how few women, cause I'm still attracted to both genders and transgendered people. I'm reading into my memories and also found out that I remember much more than I thought I did during ages 6 through 16.

I found more memories from my past lives as well, as I before thought I remembered 2 past lives: that I was Kazanndra, a princess in Dala and that Caspian was from another life before Dala. Only to discover that I was Astaroth, demon prince in Dala together with Caspian, and in a life before Dala I was born as a demon for the first time in a world or realm of darkness. I discovered that through writing I'm unlocking more memories, and by focusing on other memories related to those I can find odd connections to memories from past lives. For example: I saw a persons aura once and thought it was some sort of purple, only to discover it was my favourite colour in Dala, and I can now rather vividly picture it even though its structure isn't made for the human eye to see. As to why I thought it was purple cause that's how my human eyes interpreted it.

I've finally found a religion that suits me and that choice still makes me smile everyday. I am no longer moping about those "lost" magical powers I had as a kid, but rather indulge in and "activate" them again. So I've managed to make my natural hair a bit darker without colouring it. I'm eager to keep unlocking and connecting memories but know my limits and try not to restrain myself too much. Learning how to appreciate the little things in my everyday life. Discuss awful things that's happened to me since I know it's helping me to cope with them, even if the person I open up to doesn't even know me. Realised that I've basically moved on from the rape six years ago and that everything I've done and been through somehow is very synchronized and complete. It all led me here, and I have no idea who I would have been if it would have been different - and to be honest, I don't think I would have liked that guy!

All of this in a just couple of months. I've made some damn progress lately! For years I've been sitting on my ass and just waited for better times, for things to get better all by themselves. One thing Satanism has tought me: you've gotta work for things to get better! You can't just expect that things will dramatically change for the better if you just pray enough! Now all of that isn't really new for me, I mean I've known that since I barely had learnt to speak, but it really isn't about that. The thing is that I've come to terms with it, challenge accepted! I have a lot of things to work with, and taking them one by one is probably simpler, but I know that I have to work on everything at once to be able to accomplish something. Little by little, of course, but I can't start with only being healthier, only self explore, only be creative or only fighting my ass off to get the morons at the psychiatry department to do their job - I have to do it all, or it won't work. They depend on each other and I depend on them.

Harpsicord is my new favourite word. It's beautiful and a wonderful music instrumment, even in more modern compositions. Bring the baroque back!



Soundtrack: Nox Arcana - Days of the Olde