Don't become like me

Suicide was never an easy way out. Never. Everyone who thinks that should feel what I felt, think what I thought, see what I saw. When I held those pills, that razor blade or that ear phone cable in my shaking hands just a moment before. In so much pain it can't be measured by anything, quilt for leaving those I love behind, massive amounts of fear of what would happen if I don't die and wake up damaged or of what will happen after I'm dead. Scared of doing it wrong, scared of doing it right, scared of living and scared of dying. Screams suffocated, tears that only barely reaches my eyes. Can't stop shaking, hands are getting cold, mouth dry, feeling dizzy and faint. Wait for the night when everyone has gone to bed. Drink or overdose medicines just to get the strength enough to do it. Just get it over with. It's the hardest decision I've ever made, and I made it fifteen times. It holds no solution, it gives no answers, and you can't possibly know what's gonna happen after you've downed those pills, cut that razor, tied that noose or whatever your method is. No suicide method is hundred percent sure. Not one.

I suppose it was easier when I was sixteen and seventeen, almost getting used to taking overdoses and hope I wouldn't wake up again. I thought it was safe, that no one cared about me, that if I wasn't gonna die I was just gonna wake up the next day and everything would be fine, didn't really care where I might or might not end up in an afterlife if there even was one. But with persistant behaviour like this, you're likely to end up in a chatroom somewhere with other suicidal people, trying to give each other the smallest string of hope. They will inform you of the risks of a suicide attempt. They'll tell you the story of the man who jumped off a fifteen stores building and survived with irreperable permanent damage. Or about the woman that shot herself in the head and survived, but disfigured, blind and deaf. These story's, or images will follow you whenever you start thinking of suicide again. A fate worse than the life you have now, are you willing to take that risk? (I'll whisper in your ear: however horrible you think your life is now, it can always get worse. Trust me, I know.)