For the rest of my life

I've noticed that when I try to find support for my mental problems on various internet forums, I alter them. Not very much, but so that something that is insignificant but unusual on the topic I'm asking for won't be the highlighted area. Like when I somewhere wrote that I hear several voices even though it was only Anna by then. Or when somewhere I wrote that both voices I'm hearing are mean and annoying, just because it was beside the point that one of them isn't and that would be a cause for discussion. Cause it was irrelevant to the topic, and would attract unnecessary attention. That isn't the only reason though. Sometimes I write stuff "for publicity" or whatever you wanna call it. I haven't told people on forums for schizophrenia that I invented, or created Vargyl to begin with, cause it would come off as weird I suppose. See I'm not bloody fitting in anywhere! Not even in a forum thread discussing hallucinations! That's the main thing that's bugging me, I realise. I just want a fucking diagnosis that match my symptoms to the point that I won't longer feel like an outsider in a group where I'm supposed belong. That. Fucking. Curse. I'm sure that's a part of it.

What a fine little prison they threw me in, whoever they were, back there in Dala. I messed up, I know that. That I did something awful in my perfect paradise, so they got rid of me. Yeah, I'm pissed at this world right now. Sure it's got some potential, but it really pisses me off sometimes. I'm not so sure someone in this world cast a curse on me anymore. They did that back in Dala. It was obvious already when I was a child I didn't want to be born here, I hated my parents for bringing me to this world, knowing it wasn't my choice, but I hated the wrong people. Why can't I remember!? What the hell did I do in Dala, and what happened after that? What happened to Caspian and my dragon, are they still out there, waiting for me? I'm dying to know, but I won't try suicide again. Not for a while at least. That thought still disgusts me, but my longing for Dala is like a big aching hole in my soul ripping at the edges.

Norwegian A-HA's song "Swing of things" is still giving me major shivers after all these years. It's only one line of the lyrics really, in the bridge or third verse when Morten sings "and I know that I'll need it for the rest of my life". I don't even know what I'm relating to in that verse, cause he's singing about some girl he's in love with. Is it even anything that I know I will need for the rest of my life? It must be something bitter, cause I always feel sad when I hear that line. Something I have to live with for the rest of my life, and unavoidably, painful need. Yes, that must be it. Anna and Vargyl, they have made such impact on my life and been around for so long (at least Anna) that I don't want to lose them. Of course they are annoying most of the time, even horrible sometimes, but I need them. The thought of losing them makes me sad. I mean, tears pressing, lump in my throat, twisting stomach kind of sad. It's them. It's gotta be. I know that I need the voices I hear for the rest of my life. So, now that's finally sorted out!

Okay, where was I, what was I gonna write about? I'm losing myself in infinate amounts of words today... I've written so goddamn much and completely lost track of it all. What was posted, deleted, saved and put in which writing program file? I know these computer note pads aren't really a writing program, and it's impossible to keep track of the text in them when it's filled up so much space in the file you can't even see the scroller. I'll get back to you on that, and posting this meanwhile.