Avoidance

I'm becoming more reluctant to this world, and care less about its inhabitants. Most of you know that I've never really like humanity and all it stands for, but that I'm still able to care for single individuals. That hasn't changed, I still care about my friends and family. Before I could empathise with unfortunate strangers displayed on TV, in magazines or that I met online or in real life. Now I don't feel anything for any strangers. I don't care if I come off as a jerk, selfish or even cruel. I won't try to be nice and understanding of those who won't take no for an answer, and I won't pretend to care about what's going on in Syria or wherever. If it doesn't have an impact on my life, why should I care? Or should I say, what's in it for me?

I must admit that I've gone too far a few times though. That guy I met online, I was unnecessarily cruel to him. And at the psych-ward, one of the staff there tried to be nice but I snapped at her. I snapped so harshly I made her cry. I didn't notice it then, but later I started to remembered more details about the whole situation. She hid it well.

Okay, let's move on. How about the environment? Though I've never really been too glad about recycling, at least I could muster to do it before. Now I just don't give a fuck. As long as there's oxygen and food enough for me to stay alive for as long as I have to be alive, I won't care. People around have to literally stop me from throwing light bulbs and batteries among the general, burnable garbage, where I throw just about everything. On this island specifically, people are nuts about recycling! They stare at me in dislike when I say what I think about that.

I lock myself in my apartment, avoiding human contact for as long as I possibly can. Dealing with the crew to the best of my ability: talking with short sentences, changing subject, interrupting them and lying to keep them from asking more annoying questions. And I'm just about to throw my cell phone against the wall when they happen to call while I'm in the middle of something slightly more important than online quizzes. Or when they call too often.

I drag it out for as long as possible, but when I really need to go shopping (for groceries, medicine or stuff for self medication) I hide beneath covering monochrome clothing, sun glasses and music. If anyone would strike up a conversation I just glare at them for a few seconds, mutter and walk away with music blasting in my ears so I won't hear if they kept on talking to me. I just go there, buy what I need, and get the hell out of there.

Not sure what's up with all this to be honest. Yeah, I think I do... maybe, it could be. It could be the testosterone messing with my brain. But it's never been like this before, not to this extreme extent. Maybe it doesn't have to do with anything, just that I'm growing weary of this world. That the more times I decide to stick with it, (cause I might as well stay alive when it's so goddamn hard to die), I simply become more and more reluctant and uncaring about this pit of a world. Becoming old and bitter, perhaps.