Consequences

I can't find my leather choker. Rifled through the whole apartment, knowing I held it not long before I went off to the psych-ward. One of them, to be precise. I don't wanna have the one with pointy studs and the other one is too thin to serve its purpose. Yeah, I feel the need to have a collar of some sort hiding my scar. But I suppose a scarf will do. I should invest in more scarves! I suppose I have to pay for my own stupidity now. Yeah, it's oh so cool to have a permanent necklace... until you realise that it's permanent. Of course I didn't strangle myself to get that scar, only that I right after thought is looked kinda cool. And suicide attempts are always a stupid thing to do, even I know that.

Sometimes I create accounts on internet forums stating that I'm an entirely different person, creating alter egos and sometimes I even act out on these in public. Dress differently, talk differently, make up a different personility and defending it as that actually being me. Sometimes I even feel like I am that person. I've been debating this with Anna (my sounding board) asking her what the hell is going on with me. She says it's just my creativity, and I suppose it is that simple, but I still can't help but wonder if it's something else going on. No, I know I'm creating alter egos as book characters, World of Warcraft characters and imaginary friends. And as long as I know they aren't real I don't have to worry, right? Someone said something about "tulpa" on a forum. Creating a fictive character at the point of almost believing it's real. Having conversations in my head with these characters, elaborating their personalities and behaviours, use of language and so on. And sometimes take on the form of being that character. I suppose it's rather close to some sort of roleplay. Though sometimes I can't help but wonder if maybe I'm going too far.

I'm back on writing on Grimston Estate again and realising my grammar wasn't exactly top notch when I wrote it a year ago. It probably isn't now either, but you get my point. It's a bit of a challenge writing a (short) novel in English, even for me, but when it comes to fiction, I believe it's even more of a challenge writing in Swedish. And I have to decide for one language so.