Control

I'm tired today, more than usual. Fell asleep around midnight after I had been awake for 26 hours and awoken at two in the afternoon. So I guess I'm just not used to sleeping at night.

Didn't have the best breakfast today. The tomatoes were moldy, and I kinda freaked. I mean, really freaked. I know I have a slight phobia for mold, but this was just insane. I couldn't eat another piece of bread after, cause I got scared that might be moldy as well! I had to hold my mouth while I threw all the food away to not throw up and I almost fainted. When I sat down by the computer afterwards I noticed I had cried, I was sweating and my heart was beating its way out of my chest. It took hours to wash the taste away, both the real and the imaginary taste.

I'm not sure what's going on, but I seem to be extra sensitive towards weird things going on in my brain. As Vargyl becomes more real to me, talks to me more and the way he looks and moves is becoming more vivid, he's actually getting a personality and opinions on his own. He's almost as real to me as Anna is, by which I mean I'm having a hard time telling myself he's not really real. And anyone else telling me he's not real isn't gonna work, cause I don't mean real in that way.

I mean real as in I'm losing control over him. I seriously got scared of him today, when he said: "You can't know if I won't tell you to hurt someone, and that I won't be able to control you". I was just thinking about stuff, that some people who hear voices can be told by their voices that they should harm other people and they obey their voices. That that isn't gonna happen to me, cause I don't trust my voices and especially not if they're trying to control me. When Vargyl told me that, I realised that how can I possibly know that for sure? I mean I love him, he's got me on my knees, how can I know that I won't let him control me?

Vargyl: Why are you afraid of me? Don't you love me?
Me: That's why I'm afraid of you.
Vargyl: Chill down, I won't hurt you.
Me: I know.

Yeah, I'm a bit wired today. Or the last two or three days, actually. I can barely tell what is real from imaginary; whenever I hear any voices that aren't coming from my family members I have to ask my mom if she heard that too. The whispers, Anna and Vargyl, the phobia thing... I'm a nerv-wreck. But I'll be fine, just need to "chill down" I suppose...