That slow process

Okay, so a little update on my healing process. It's been three weeks (like already?) and there's been some slight changes. The scabs are falling off on my left side and it's a little bit icky so I'm a bit worried but it's probably nothing to worry about. I'm gonna (let my mother) contact the district health centre so hopefully I'll get an appointment this week.

The pain is hard to describe since I still take painkillers so I don't know what it would be like without them, but I do also take them less often. So I suppose it hurts less, or I've just become more sparing with them to avoid getting a habit and to make them last longer.

The pain itself is also hard to describe, I think it's internal rather than external, as it feels like it's spread underneath my skin somehow and not centred where the actual wounds are. In fact they feel kinda numb, even when I've been off painkillers for almost 48 hours when the pain is the most severe before I pop another one. By then it's really horrible, so yeah, kinda need the pills still.

So ehm, won't be taking more pictures until it looks a bit better. Though I think the wounds are healing up more, at least those horizontal ones. They have actually been healing up great from day one, so it's the nipples that I'm slightly worried about. Okay, maybe I'm not just slightly worried, but I've been dealing with weird wounds before and I've never had any problems with infections so far. Seem to be immune to them, maybe.

I recognise this from a wound I had a few years back and though it took a bit longer to heal up than my other wounds, it turned out great without any medical treatment or anything. Though that was a slightly smaller self harm wound made with a tad bit too dirty, erhm... equipments.

So anyway, it's not foreign to me, but as it is a new kinda situation in which I actually care about the outcome, it's a bit more important. Like before I was "oh, scars, I could always use a few more of those, and the bigger the better". Seriously, I was fanatic about getting more scarred. They call me screwed up for a reason, or two. But not with these scars. Sure I don't mind them, in fact they are the only scars I've actually really wanted ever. But I do want them to heal well and don't become too weird.

I'm still very careful with my movements, though something odd when I was asleep all of yesterday occurred. I kinda stretched my right arm up way above my head and woke up doing so, thinking "no, don't do that!" and then a moment later I did it again! Like what the fuck? Like some weird reflex. My body has a whole bunch of reflexes not mentioned in the usual dictionary. Like I stretch either my upper or lower body like suddenly for no good reason and I can't control it. Seriously, it's like a reversed spasm of sorts.

Before it was just weird, but now with the post op thingy, it's really annoying when that happens. Usually I can stop it from getting too wild, but not when I'm asleep. Cause yeah, it does that then too. Really don't know what's up with that. So if my body could like... behave, that would be good.

Though I'm not entirely worried about those little quirks I seem to possess, though they do in a way interfere with the healing process. I can't stop myself from moving around, naturally. Cause I do live alone (and no, I don't want the crew to baby sit me for three months just because I'm newly post op) and that does require me to take care of myself. I can't do that without moving, I can't really do anything without moving, obviously.

So what I mean is simply that it will just have to take it. The little damage it would do that I reach for the milk in my fridge which isn't even that high, or that I carry my garbage to the container which isn't even that heavy, and so on, won't interfere that much with the healing. At least that's my opinion since that hasn't been the problem so far. And as far as I'm concerned the most critical part is this, the first few weeks after the operation.

So movement is my last concern to be perfectly honest, at least as I'm as careful as I can possibly be without asking for assistance to scratch my own back. I don't scratch it by the way, so it was a bad example, but still.

A part of me still can't believe it's true, you know. Maybe my past summer of hallucinations and recurring delusions has made me question reality. Is it really fundamental, is this real or just me imagining it? Did I just post a picture of my boobs thinking I've had surgery but in fact I've just imagined it? Maybe it's not so strange, but I wonder for how long I will feel that way, or come to my senses when I realise if it is real or not. Weeks? Months? Years? God, I hope not years...

It's snowing outside, I didn't think it would do that anymore this season. Here on Gotland that is, it was over a month ago it last snowed and it's been clear for that long. Like really warm and springy, and then bam, more snow. Guess I'm done talking about my operation for now. And when I said "a little update" of course I meant a frigging wall of text...