My mother just called me and said she had talked to the team in Huddinge about getting a next meeting with them by the summer. I didn't really think about it, but I'm soon done with this journey. Gonna think a bit about if I should get sterilised too and remove all that junk inside me, but then I'm pretty much done.
Cause yeah, I have thought about getting bottom surgery, but honestly I don't think I need it. I don't really have dysphoria about my junk and it's not like it's something I show around, so to say. It stays in the private and I'm okay with what I have. And besides, it's a bit unnecessary to have surgery if it's not all that important.
So then it's just to report to Rättsliga Rådet and hope they'll accept me to have my sex legally changed and those last four digits in my personal identity number changed as well. Damn. I've been in this mix for so long I had almost lost hope in ever getting done with it!
I remember when I went to a meeting with the team in Uppsala for the first time and had got the information that it would take bout 2-3 years altogether before I can become legally male. Now here I am 4 and a half years later and can't really believe it. I had lost hope to ever come this far more times than I can count and my life depends on it.
I'm starting to feel free in a whole new way. To talk with the deep voice I always wanted, to feel the beard growth that came along just about ten years too late, to be referred to as "he" and it still brings a special kind of smile to my lips, when people think it's obvious that I'm a guy, just that I don't have to bleed once every month which brought a terrible dysphoria every single time, and now when I soon won't need to hide my chest and feeling that constant discomfort ruining everything.
That relief, it's like coming home, to a place that I no longer hate. I don't hate myself and I don't hate my body. I might hate my fucked up mind from time to time, but that's another story. Today it doesn't suck being transsexual, it's a part of me, of who I was, and I will soon be able to put that behind me and just be me. Your typical goth, gay, mentally fucked up guy with a colourful past. It does sound good in my ears, comparing to how I would describe myself before.
To be perfectly honest, I sometimes asked myself just why this is so important to me, just knowing that it's the foundation that I stand on. With so many other problems still making it impossible for me to live a normal life, no matter if I have tits or not. But now I so clearly understand.
I might still be a dark chaos, but I stand more firmly on the ground with it. And I have a chance to give life a try. Now I can finally start working towards living a decent life. I finally have a reason to live. And that is a lot. Happy tears coming now...
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