At last and forever

Okay, I've been scribbling about this operation I had for almost two days now, in my paper diary. I can't possibly write it all down here to post, cause it's a lot of rambling about the same things and rather boring things too. Like how annoying it was to wait for the shower to become available. I had to shower twice before the operation, you see, for me to be as clean as possible. I will write down a few of my thoughts here, and a few poems that I wrote the day before as well. Cause damn it's real now, tits are gone. I can't believe it, it feels so damn fantastic, as if I'm actually happy.

I'm sore and get dizzy if I stand up for too long, but of what I saw of the result when they took off the drainage thingies this morning, it looks really good. Better than I expected. So even, not very bruised or swollen; yet, that is. Okay this is kinda fascinating, during the surgery. This is what I remember:

"About 12-13 o'clock I was brought to the operation room. I've never been sedated like that before, so it was... well, pleasant to fall asleep like that. Instantly. I woke up again around 15:00 and I remember that I dreamed about getting the operation, while I was actually getting it. Outer body experience? It would be kinda cool if it was. Cause in the dream I saw it from above, as if I was hoovering as they cut and sutured and fixed. I didn't know I could dream in such a sleep, that it was possible."

I rested for about an hour after the operation, then I slowly started to move around a bit, which was very appreciated by the nurses. I had to lie down and rest about every hour though. I was just bored really, and also I wanted to see just how much I could do, if I could be ready to go home the next day. Damn, I'm so excited to see the healed result!

If anyone wonders if there is a chance I would regret it, I just have one thing to say: there's nothing to regret. I've been restored to the way it should always have been from puberty and all those years up until now. It was a mistake that I ever got tits and I finally got that corrected. Finally! I don't know for how long I've been waiting for this. Cause probably already since I was nine or ten years old and they started growing. Not that I had surgery in my mind back then, but I didn't want tits, that's for sure. They were in the way and they have been in the way ever since. 

I didn't know so much (well okay, nothing) about my surgeon before hand, but I guess I was sort of impatient. After some quick googling a few weeks ago I read that he's engaged in transgender issues and that he thought it was very important to care for transsexuals and their (our) needs. I never saw any results from operation made by him, so of course there was a slight risk that maybe I was rushing a bit too much into unknown territory. But he was cool and as I've stated a few times, I'm really happy with the result so far. 

Oh, and I got misgendered by almost everyone at the ward, but I didn't care. Their opinions were so not my problem at all. Besides, who looks good in a blood stained hospital gown and drainage bags hanging from underneath it? I was the only guy there too, among a bunch of middle aged women in similar situations wearing the same kind of white gowns, so I get the confusion. I guess I just sort of blended in.

It's a bit weird and totally awesome that I during the day before the operation did my best to hide my protruding tits under that not so flattering piece of clothing, and then afterwards I could just walk around without needing to hide anything at all. I don't think I've been this happy for a long time. I feel lighter, as if a heavy burden has been lifted from me. Like maybe, if I stretch out my arms, I can fly.



And now for some poems:

Burden

Hidden pictures
that I just couldn't toss
This despicable face
of who I never was

But I can't hate myself
for who I was way before
but I could have tried
should have done more

Nothing is more important
but I don't know why
I'm like a wing clipped bird
longing for the sky

And I've been living
with this burden far too long
Now I finally have a chance
to change what was made wrong

All I have is time
trapped in this shell
with the darkest of thoughts
I think I'm in hell

*

Keeping me alive

What will I be
what will be left of me
once the burden has been lifted
with texture shifted

Straighten out the line
going from bad to fine
and I'm absolutely certain
it will be worth all the pain

Life can be awfully cruel
but I'm breaking its every rule
What I wouldn't do to survive
this is too keep me alive

It's not about vanity
not a decision of insanity
but something so very strong
it just can't go wrong

I'm quite the mess
self destructive and in distress
How will this change my life
save me from my eternal strife?

*

Save me

I feel like a stranger
with too much hate and anger
The mirror a condescending liar
it burned my dreams but I set the fire

Scoring points for insanity
no, this is my reality
In darkness and chaos I start
with scars in my broken heart

Can they fix it tomorrow
taking away some of the sorrow
cause I've been building a wall
that now finally will fall

And finally I can breathe out
for there will be no doubt
and there is nothing to regret
cause I have my goals set

Save me or I cannot stay
take this affliction away
for I cannot live a normal life
and only this can keep me alive