All the time

My anxiety is not gone. There's something else causing it instead, but it feels the same. Yeah, my body is always making the same anxiety overload signals no matter what the reason is. The reason is unimportant. Just for once I don't give damn why I feel like shit from morning to midnight. Cause I take care of one thing and then the next thing is causing the same problem, and then the next, and then the next. Like fighting off vermin on a frigging farm and your carrots still get eaten.

My ways of dealing with this anxiety goes from bad to good to bizarre. The good is focusing on breathing, make sugar cake and things like that. The bad is drinking obscene amounts of coffee and beating myself up. The bizarre ways of dealing with anxiety would be, for instance, making it worse on purpose. Or masking it with anxiety over something else. Like doing dungeons in WoW just for "the thrill" of it. It's like fighting fire with fire. Well, if you're running out of water you have to think of another way to put out the fire, or watch your house burn to the ground, right?

Every day I wake up with anxiety tearing a hole in me, so I'd rather keep on sleeping until the sun goes down. Eventually I do get up, but it takes tremendous efforts. And then the anxiety keeps wrapping itself tighter around me, it's like it's choking me.

Right now... I don't know. Just need to get through what I can't seem to get through. I mean, of course I survive it, but it never goes away. Ever. I don't know what to do. I don't want to, and I seriously can't, take pills for it every time. It's just like my headache now, there is no "every time" it is all the time. Constantly. When I decide to take Zyprexa the anxiety only goes away for as long as the drug's effect lasts. Then as it fades away, my anxiety is taking over again. In order to stay "free" from anxiety I would have to take about ten doses of Zyprexa a day. Can't do that, won't do that.

It's for the same reason I can't take pain killers every time I get a headache. I don't want to become a drug addict, I have enough problems already. But I can't live in pain either. Survive, yes. But live? It's hard to compare physical pain to mental pain, but if I should, then I say mental pain is the worst. I don't know why, but I think it might be because mental pain is affecting the whole lot of you in a non scientific sort of way. Like it consumes you, becomes you.

The advice my shrink would give me is to let go and not do anything. But if I was to do that, I'd probably be sitting in a wardrobe and rocking myself. And no, that isn't so far off, cause I actually happen to do that sometimes. Perhaps not both at once, or for a long time, but I like sitting in a dark wardrobe, perfectly still, so still that I can't feel my body. It's like I sort of... disappear.