Future

I still get a little pissed when I mention I'm trying to lose weight and people tell me that I don't need to. I either try to make them think otherwise, or simply say that it's more of a wanting than what I need. It's a bit of both, cause 70 kg with 168 cm is not an ideal weight/height combination, yet I'm not in any immediate need to become thinner. Right now I'd rather try and build some muscles, cause yeah, that would make me look better and more masculine too.

I don't know if it's so much about looking masculine though, but rather just "better". By my standards it is more masculine by society's standards as well, but I don't want it just because it's considered masculine, if you get what I'm trying to say. I want to get "rid of" curves and get a more even shape with a hint of muscles. That is a more androgynous shape really. Maybe I'm just trying to be realistic with what I can achieve with the outcome I have and how much patience I have to change the way I look.

Just having a flat chest is a tremendous help in the right direction, of course. And also, I believe that is what suddenly made me want to shake things up a bit. Just hoping that inspiration will stay until the summer or whenever I'll be able to start working out. Cause aside the complete awesomeness of it all, it will also be helpful practically. Just not having things moving around when exercising and being able to change in men's locker rooms, for example. Awesome in numerous, if not all possible ways! Yes, I'm very, very pleased with having this surgery done.

Planning for the future already. And I think it was a good time of the year to have that operation, with the spring and summer ahead of me but not too soon. Of course it would have been kind of a bit more awesome if it had happened a bit sooner. That it would have saved me a lot misery that I went through feeling trapped in my own body for all those years, if I had gotten the operation earlier. But now I finally have it done! Better late than never, as you use to say.

When my mother asked me how I feel about having this surgery done and I told her, she said I'm supposed to feel ecstatic about it. So I totally told her that I really do, that this is freeing and life changing in all possible ways. She seemed a bit surprised over my reaction, which I don't really know what to make of. What did she expect? That I'd just shrug and say "it's alright, I guess" after having talked so much about how I longed for it, for years? Mothers, right? Always worried that you would end up being disappointed, whatever it is about.

This might not be the right approach, but I kinda look forward to see the team in Huddinge just to tell them how pleased I am with the result. So that they can book it off as another successful case, or something. I think they'd like to hear that, that it actually helped me so much, and I'll gladly give them that satisfaction. And those "everyone is pleased" situations are pretty neat, aren't they?

Maybe I am saying that a little too soon, that I'm so pleased with it, but I doubt I will need more operations and I think it will heal up nicely. But even if so, I will still never ever ever regret having that surgery in the first place. I'm just so damn sure this is making me happy. That what parents and others who care may say "I don't care what you do, as long as it makes you happy" -thing, you know.

Cause in that sense it really did and does make me happy. Damn I'm yapping my mouth about this! Well, just get used to it, cause I'll probably keep yapping about it for a while!



Soundtrack: "I want it all" by Queen. Kinda suitable, right?