Only two days left and I don't know what to do with myself. Crawling out of my skin, and damn were these clothes so smothering yesterday? I'm shifting between giggling and having anxiety attacks all the time. Hardly notice one before the other takes its turn. Twisting and turning.
I won't miss my binder. Or will I? It's been my most used piece of clothing for these past five years, and probably my most used ever. It will feel weird not having to put it on anymore. Weird, in a very good way. I can just barely imagine it. I've hesitated to imagine a result, for good reasons I believe. Because it has only made me upset, like dreaming about something impossible. Though it isn't of course, me being here and all. Those fantasies, or whatever I should call them, has made me hate my body even more. Like hey dysphoria, not so nice to see you again!
I realise that I rarely talk about dysphoria, but rather jump right into the self hatred category instead. They are similar yes, but the latter is worse in a way. More destructive, intense and allover rather than focused on specific details. Like I can have dysphoria about my body being too curvy and I hate those damn curves. I wanna cut them off and do anything to get rid off them, but I can't. Self hatred is more that you so genuinely dislike everything or almost everything about yourself. Curves, hair colour, your thoughts and feelings, the way you laugh and so on.
I haven't felt that way for a while now. Not that deep, piercing, pitch black hatred consuming me. Now it's been more like actual dysphoria, or at least I think that's what it is. It's hard to tell, I guess, when you've been consumed by hatred for so long.
I keep forgetting how to breathe again, and have I mentioned it's a bit hard to smile with a chewing gum in ones mouth?
Did another round of bleaching of my hair today, the seventh, I believe? I literally ran into every store in Hemse for the specific bleach product that I use, but it was nowhere to be found. So I took a shot and went with Mood's highlights bleaching. I've heard it should be good. It was something funky about it though, I noticed when I started mixing the components. I took two packages of the exact same kind but they were different inside the boxes. One had purple and the other had light blue powder, for example.
But I still went ahead and drenched my hair in it. It wasn't enough for my whole hair, so it got a little uneven at the roots. The rest I'll see when my hair gets dry. But so far... I think it might be a shade lighter than before. I focus mostly on the lengths now, since that is where it's darkest in colour. But I think I'll "cheat" and go for the eight run already next week to fix the roots. If I'm not too incapacitated from the surgery that is.
Oh my god, I'm really gonna have surgery on Monday! That is so damn soon! Somehow I thought those five weeks of waiting was gonna take an eternity, but damn that time flew by. I don't think I've ever been this long term nervous before. Ever since they called about that first scheduled appointment the 4th of February, I've been on edge. Like really on edge. I can't describe it, it's just... huge.
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