Read and write

I've completely, or almost completely skipped eating today. I'm tired of it, and I don't use up any energy anyway. I suppose it just takes a special kind of person to be able to feel happy and starving at the same time. Not that I'm that special, but still. It's gotta account for something.

Will I look back upon this time in my life when I get older? Or just old enough to finish writing my autobiography? Soon, there will be absolutely nothing to stop me from publishing something like it. Something so revealing and openly describing of my personality, difficulties, my memories, thoughts and everything that has happened in my life. I won't leave anything out, except for names and just a few events, secrets that are supposed to be kept no matter what.

My greatest concern is, how do I tell such a story with the right feeling? I want to inspire hope, not despair. Acceptance of darkness, not about being consumed by it. Wisdom and clarity, that I went through all that shit and came out stronger than before, not that I crumbled beneath it. Cause sure I did, but that's not the point.

I cannot and do not want to, write a 300 pages letter of complaints about pointless suffering. I can't just think of what I want to get off my chest, I must equally much think of what others may want to read. A story is not complete until it's been read.

Maybe it's obvious, but I didn't think that way before. Then I just wrote whatever I wanted and skipped the rest.

I mentioned that I had written a short story, to my shrink earlier today. She asked me if I wanted to have it published and I said no. You might have seen it. I put it in my other blog and linked it on Facebook. You might have skipped it, or just disliked it and decided not to tell me that. Either way I accept it, because I don't write to get praised or for money. I write because I have to.

It's the only way I can express myself really. Everyone writes to some degree, some write a lot, but I write to survive. That short story wasn't very thought through at all, I didn't care about its outcome. That is a typical example of me just writing to get something off my chest. It's not meant to be read, not meant to be liked.

And this blog then? It's definitely written just to get things off my chest, but also to inform. A heads up, kind of text. Far from a work of art, but it's sure meant to be read.