I've had so much medication now, but I still can't fall asleep. It's not enough to knock me out completely, and that is what I need cause I can't stop all the thoughts in my head. I know I'm not "done" with the day yet, but I need and sort of want, but mostly I just need, to get some damn sleep.
One more Imovane, and if I somehow manage to stay awake with that I'll consider it a miracle and start a religion. And skip sleeping altogether. Cause clearly that must mean that I don't need to sleep, and that I have some sort of super (impractical) powers to be able to break through strong sleeping pills like that.
I use the phrase "break through" when I'm talking medication/pills, to describe how when I either don't get any effect at all, or manage to not let the effect change my state of mind at that moment. Out and about in the real world I say "bryter igenom" in Swedish. Cause it's a bit like the medicine builds a wall around me and I break through it.
Just don't want another sleepless night, I need to sleep in order to be able to get up before noon. And I want sunlight, I want daytime before needing to go back to bed again.
Yes, I did an honest try to fall asleep just now. After squirming in my sheets about half an hour I got up again and took my second Imovane. I'm just mad over that I can't seem to get anything I want. Except for sex change. I get sex change. And that is like the most important thing in my life. Like the only important thing in my life. But then people being important is a totally different matter. I don't mean that anyTHING is more important than anyONE. Cause people aren't things, deeds, thoughts or feelings that I have to live with. Just making it clear.
The second Imovane I took did nada. Yeah, a little slight step towards drowsiness, but seeing as I could and walk around without problems, still tackle millions of thoughts and getting annoyed at everything all the time. No sleep for me tonight, the world seem to have cut in stone.
It's itching a lot now, my chest. That must be a good sign of it healing. When or if I'm going to Uppsala this summer, it must be after I've healed up. Mostly because doing things like travelling and stuff is better not to do in this situation. And I just thought of that I shouldn't drink alcohol as well, and I haven't by the way.
No, those thoughts popped up when I was thinking about my birthday, and maybe not drinking then, was my thought. I can have fun without booze, but my sister would probably complain. Well, she can have a few shots on the side if she wants to, wouldn't be such a big deal. And (hopefully) my parents will understand, and though it might be too much to ask for, it would be nice if they could also respect that.
So I'm giving up on trying to get some sleep tonight. It takes too long to wait for a pill to have effect, and the realising it didn't have any effect, you take something else and then you'll have to wait again for an effect that doesn't come, so you try another one and that effect doesn't make it through either. And then suddenly it's bright and sunny outside. So I'm staying up instead. I just don't wanna sleep the day away just because my night got screwed up.
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