Spiralling out of time

Not so strange perhaps, but I really don't feel like myself these days. I'm a shadow. Can't focus on anything, everything is a blur. Like looking out the window of a moving train. Some things you see, others just pass by and you hardly even notice them. You don't notice what you missed until someone points it out to you. And we're not even on the same train.

Nights and days blend together in a flickering light play. I'm lost in numbers but I can't tell the time any more. I don't even know what date it is. Without time everything is disconnected, scattered. I take my meds when they tell me to, but then I can't remember if I took them, even though their bitter taste is still clinging to my throat. That taste that releases when you don't manage to swallow them correctly and they start dissolving in your mouth. And you can't wash it down, cause it's stuck there, for hours or just seconds until you forget about it. Sleep deprivation changes who I am.

I can't feel time, at all. To me, two seconds feels just as long as two hours, two days, or even two years. I'm trying to connect with time by counting, but my numbers are just as useless as a broken watch. I don't fully understand how I perceive time, but it seems to move in circles. Sometimes going backwards, biting its own tail, sometimes moving away some place new before spiralling back again. So maybe it's more like a very uneven spiral. Cause I'm going backwards at the same time as I'm going forward. And people expect me to eat consistently and have circadian rhythm.

How does time feel? Can you feel if you need something depending on how long ago you had it last? Can you tell if it's been a long or a short time, to or from something? Is it different related to the past or the future? I wouldn't know. It doesn't exist. In my world all there is, is astrology and watches, and nothing more. I can't feel it.

I can't feel much at all lately, but something's scratching inside me. Like some wild animal fighting desperately to get free. I put the self destruction on hold, but not for too long, cause if I push it too hard it's gonna end in a disaster. As I said to my shrink today when we talked about my irrational fear of sleep, but this applies in every occasion related to fear: "anxiety isn't dangerous, it can't harm me, I know that - it's what the anxiety can cause me to do that is dangerous".