What started me off with these thoughts on Schizophrenia, was of course Anna. She was the problem, my enemy, my nightmare. I so desperately wanted to find an answer, so that maybe I could get rid of her, before I ended up killing myself in an attempt to kill her, or to "simply" separate us. But I don't have that reason any more. Sure I wanna know who the fuck she is and all that, but it's not because I wanna get rid of her in some way. She has been a nightmare for a lot of the time since we were... I don't know, eleven years old? Something like that. But after every nightmare we have always found a way back to each other, a way to tolerate our situation and even be friends.
Much more lately, as she's been taking my part in this roller coaster this spring, summer and autumn. She's definitely a cold hearted bitch; but she's also right, wonderfully sarcastic and truly supportive. Perhaps she's finally realised that I'm the only one she's got, and "gotten over" her own depression. Now she fights beside me, and my battle has become ours, and we fight on the same side. Perhaps the sad part about it, is that what brought us to this point was when Vargyl showed up. And more precisely, when he started to turn against me.
But it wasn't until that bus-trip from Arlanda that I really understood her true agenda. When she had with both Vargyl and Satan been arguing and commenting and mentally torturing me for about two hours, suddenly helped me "snap out of it" with kindness. True, selfless, caring kindness. Now that doesn't come easily from her!
And to be honest I'm not sure if she even would fit in as a valid symptom of Schizophrenia. I'm starting to realise you have to be quite conversant in that and various other disorders to be able to even have a slightest clue of what a Schizophrenic hallucination is compared to a dissociation, a delusion, a depersonalization or whatever other kinds of defence mechanisms that I haven't yet dwelt into.
So what I'm trying to say is that I don't primarily base this Schizophrenia thing on Anna, but because of everything else. So if I should count her out, how far back in time can I go to find a point where I can say "that is when I lost my mind"? To be honest, I've never had such a good grip on reality to begin with. So the only answers I can provide is either very early onset Schizophrenia (hello, nine?!), or various mental illnesses leading up to Schizophrenia. Such as Asperger, PTSD, OCD, dissociation, transsexualism (it itself has nothing to to with this, but it can put some restrain on you, especially if you weren't right in your mind to begin with) and depression.
And since everything started so early, it's not completely out of the question to think that I have learned to live with it, and there for function considerably well. For I have never known anything else, and it didn't hit me all at once.
The thing is, I realise, I can't cut Anna out. Just imagining, or rather trying to imagine my whole life without her in my past just isn't possible. Everywhere I've been, she's been. Every thought I've thought, she's answered.
Another meaningless post that led me nowhere. It feels like I'm so clouded by all these mental problems blending in together in an indistinguishable fucking mess, and where the hell did I fit into it? I've never been human simply because I've never been sane. I was born into a mental disorder. What was just normal kids' behaviour like imaginary friends, a fantasy land, shyness, clumsiness. Weighted by a bullying too rough for anyone to endure, I never "out grew" my childhood beliefs. Still have the same imaginary friends, still believe in my fantasy land.
So my only question is this really: when does childhood fantasies become a mental disorder? That would be when I got sick.
I never really lived in the real world. I've always clung to the beautiful memories of a past life, talked to people in my head and tried to convince people that I actually can perform real magic. Though I'm not completely gone in my madness, I still have one foot in this reality, or so it appears, how the hell should I know? I mean I do have friends, somewhere there across the ocean, and when I do (or did) see them I am/was still able to have fun, talk about ordinary stuff and dance to a beautiful song by The Cure at a night club. So I'm not completely lost, I know that, but I'm not really there either, am I?
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