Me and my realisations. Doesn't seem to be an end to them, does it? However, one of the most recent ones I had is about Anna. She can't feel or in any way experience love at all. She's never been in love with anyone that I have or haven't, she doesn't love any of my family members or friends, and obviously she doesn't have any of her own. The only other people besides me she could possibly befriend would be Vargyl or Satan, and she totally loathes both of them.
I can't even say that she loves me. It is more of a duty to her, I'm her duty. She came to me as my guardian angel and swore to protect me and that's why she exists in the first place, but it was never out of love. She's still like a guardian, except perhaps the "angel" part. Not really a saint, so to say, and she doesn't always stick to that oath nowadays. Well, we're not kids any more.
It came to my understanding that we are total opposites on that matter, like night and day. That she's completely incapable of feeling love and I'm almost constantly more or less in love with someone (cause honestly, have I ever been out of love since fifth grade?)
I've always been hoping for her to like the same person as I do, that that would somehow make me feel more whole. We are bits and pieces of each other, if not entirely the same person cut in half. So if that's the case, I can't help but wonder how deeply I've ever been in love, how terribly lovesick I've ever been: was/is there a part of me not capable of feeling anything for anyone? And that "part of me" being Anna, I mean.
It's hard for me to think of us as the same person, but in a way I believe that it could most likely be so. It's not exactly common for a person to get a "walk in" spirit or something just moving in to your brain all of a sudden right after a terrible childhood trauma. It just doesn't quite resonate as something like that in our case. It's text book mental disorder.
I know it's a contradiction, but I also truly believe that she is indeed a person of her own, another life form of sorts. I can't explain it, as I've mentioned a gazillion times before. But it has to do with the fact that even if we once were the same person before we split, we definitely aren't any more. We've grown apart, developed different personalities and she has every quality any other real person would have - except for a body of her own. A life of her own, cause she is literally living my life.
So what I'm saying is that I shouldn't invalidate her feelings (or lack there of) just because they aren't equal to mine, and state that it doesn't make me feel "whole" when it just further proves that we aren't the same. In my world it is perfectly possible to not be able to feel love at all; in the same way it's obviously possible for me to feel love so insanely strong and much and out of control it has led me to obsessions, stalker-ish behaviour, heartbreak after heartbreak and at least five suicide attempts just because I got more than I could handle. (Love is supposed to be a positive feeling, right? But too much of anything will break you, or even kill you.)
Perhaps I just want to finally share those feelings with her, want her to know what it's like and be in it together. Cause it pisses me off that she's constantly criticising what she can't understand.
No comments:
Post a Comment