Power of gods

I'm taking too much sleeping pills now, cause I can't wake up in the morning, at noon, or in the afternoon. I didn't wake up today until my mother called me at ten in the evening. I'm spacing out the dosages too much, as I took the second Imovane at six this morning and it took two hours to reach full effect. The effect isn't supposed to last for twelve hours, so I can't conceive of why I couldn't wake up despite several alarms and the crew calling me multiple times. People must have almost declared me dead...

I can't remember if they went in to my apartment and woke me up that way though. It's possible, since that's what they're supposed to do. Besides, the lid to my cup of water at my bedside table was taken off but not put back on it, which I always do, so I have my suspicions that I actually did wake up and took my pills some time in the morning.

I'm thinking so much about self harm and preferably cutting these days. It can't be healthy. Thinking about it, I mean, though I'm sure the act of doing it isn't so healthy either. It's like I'm triggering myself. Right now I'm in an uneven state of anxiety and hopelessness, it's scratching and tearing inside me, and alternative rock band Manic Street Preachers from Cardiff in Wales takes the edge off it. I remember they were a part of a question/quiz in the Swedish tv-show "På spåret" a year or so ago, and I was the only one in my family who could answer them. Got no credit for it though.

Sad to say though, I discovered this band after looking up famous people who self harm, and found out their former guitarist Richey Edwards was one of them.

I got "homework" from the smoking cessation doctor I saw yesterday. I'm supposed to write down a little information about every cigarette I smoke until our next meeting in a week or so. Like when I lit up, what I'm doing at that time, what I feel and how important I find the cigarette to be. Taken three in the last hour, so I think there will be a lot of scribbling on that sheet. I'm back to chain smoking again... Damn this anxiety is intolerable.

That relieved the pressure, doing a satanic ritual at this midnight, Halloween. Ain't no better day for it, right? It was quite powerful, and not just that the wind started blowing outside my window as I preprepared the ritual and it increased during it to suddenly just calm down again right after - but the power in the words (Enochian, I think) as I read them out loud, over and over I read them, and the power I felt grew stronger each time. Just wow... It felt like the god above tried to interfere, even though that might sound stupid in a way. I suddenly feel more religious than ever before in my life.