Living with it

Everything is so frustrating in my life now. Like everything is just a game and nothing ever goes my way. I stop for a second and ask myself: is it even worth fighting for? It feels like I know everything will keep on falling apart and that will lead me to my final suicide attempt. But right now, as far as I know, I hope that will happen as far away in the future as possible.

If I can learn to enjoy, truly enjoy suffering and misery, maybe I actually can enjoy this life. My dark, twisted fairytale. My dystopian paradise. Don't just learn how to survive in constant pain, don't just learn how to live with it and deal with it, learn how to like it. To smile when my head hurts so much I can't even get out of bed, giggle when society takes away my rights as the human being I try to be, laugh when my heart breaks into pieces. Embrace the darkness.

I guess I'm just having one of those days, huh? Is it worth fighting for? I don't know, I don't care, I'll be here until the end whether I fight or not, won't I? That long last end that will be the light at the end of the tunnel. At least I have something to look forward to. And I have been looking forward to it since I was six years old, when I still pinched myself in the arm to try to wake up from this nightmare. But I know now that even nightmares can be real.

Really, what's up with me today!? Seem to be a little out of shape, mentally. Oh, by the way, I've made a decision regarding my sleep-shit: this time I will reach one hundred hours of total sleep deprivation and no more or less. After that there will be no more of this. I've already passed fifty hours, less than half left!

Fuck this insane game, fuck self harm and fuck hypnophobia. I need a vacation from this chaos. I am in control of my life and particularly my body. I'm breaking the habit, or at least I'm gonna try. Maybe the imbeciles at the psych-ward can help me if all else fails. I'm just so tired of this, wanting nothing but least of all this.

And that sums up everything, doesn't it? I want nothing, but least of all I want what is tearing me apart at the moment. Existing is making me cranky today. I haven't eaten anything since yesterday and food sickens me. Maybe I'll go buy some more nutrition shakes, at least that's something.