Chasing me

Seems the bad summer turned into a bad half-year. That sucks. October passed with depressive poems, lacerations and kilos of medication. Just like September, August, July, June, May and April did. What do I want to accomplish that I think these addictions will lead to? Nothing. Just my fucked up way of dealing with anxiety that is too heavy to carry.

Controlling the chaos with caffeine and cutting. I have to cut deeper than I dare for it to have a satisfying effect.

Trying to play WoW with a semi-broken keyboard is annoying the fuck out of me. So much for trying to blow off some steam... Spilled some lemonade on it yesterday or the day before, and now some of the keys are hell to press down. So I need to buy a new keyboard as well. Good thing I'm going to Visby later today.

I deliberately stayed up tonight, since I woke up so late yesterday it was kinda pointless to go to sleep again a few hours later. Feels good not having to think about sleeping, but as you can probably tell, I'm still not able to stop thinking about it. My anxiety has been growing, increasing and decreasing, changing shape and chasing me all day.* Don't know what it is I'm worrying about, what brings me down all the damn time, but I can tell there's more than just one reason, more than one simple answer. There's never a simple answer to anything, really. Especially in my life.

Still obsessing about my love, though more routine-like now. Internet stalking, or well, more lurking actually. That is less creepy, right? I'm trying to not be a creep. So tired, but can't sleep, I'm supposed to be in Visby 11 o'clock, to which it is only two hours. Or was it at 13 o'clock? I can't remember. Oh whatever, my mother will call me well before so I'll have time to get ready. Mom just call, so it's at 11:00.

*And it still does.