Accustomed to the dark

I think I'm starting to tackle my caffeine habit, as of drinking tea instead of coffee and taking less of them pills. A lot of tea though. Don't know how many cups a day, but I've been awake for two and a half hours now and had 3 already. Small cups, but still. Cause if I fill up a big cup, I end up forgetting it halfway through and leaving it cold, throwing away what is left. It's also a good way to keep warm. It's not cold in here, but I still feel cold.

I took a day off again and slept for 26 hours, so I missed yesterday. Going for those 100 hours this time instead. The crew woke me up at half past nine and asked me if I wanted to get up. I told them the truth, that I never want to get out of bed and I never want to go to bed. I think that is why I do this, staying awake for days and days in a row, and then sleeping for a whole day or more. I don't want to sleep, just as much as I don't want to be awake.

I feel depressed, but I know that I'm not clinically depressed. If I was I wouldn't sit her and write. I would still be in bed, not eating, not caring about anything. I wouldn't laugh or smile or appreciate a cup of tea. Besides, antidepressants don't work on me, and I only take Mirtazapin for its sedative effects. I've tried Sertralin (Zoloft), Fluoxetin, Venlafaxin, Efexor and Cymbalta. That is basically everything except for Anafranil and those really old ones.

But yeah, I do feel depressed. In the sense that I don't want to wake up or go to bed, that I shut myself out from the world, have lack of inspiration for doing anything creative. I miss my creativity above all else. I can put up with this lack of a circadian rhythm (there really isn't a rhythm, only a chaotic and completely out of control sleeping pattern), but not being able to draw, sew or write anything else than diary and blog entries really bugs me.

I feel lifeless. Just withering away. Am I giving up on life? Just letting misery swallow me whole. Just eating to stop my stomach from growling, sleeping cause I finally give up on trying to stay awake, getting out of bed cause I finally give up on trying to sleep, sitting by my computer all days and nights long because I have no will to do anything real. Escaping life by doing nothing, I'm neither dead or alive. Just surviving, breathing, complaining, dreaming. I've lost my will to live, but I have no will to die.

But I still cling to life, cause deep down I do want to live. I just don't know how. Have no energy to even give it a try. Afraid of failure, of being hurt and becoming even more miserable on the way. I'm comfortable in this mess, grown accustomed to the darkness, yet I'm not satisfied with it. I want so much more, but tired of fighting. Just waiting for my motivation to arise again. Just waiting.